Traffic School and Baby Animals, The End

Reader, I've finished traffic school and passed my "test." If you need to catch up on my foray into law breaking and my efforts to wipe the proverbial slate clean, and you really should, you can do so here, here, and here.

The online traffic school had seventeen separate modules and quizzes about all the aspects of driving safety you could never ever want to learn about. Peppered through each module were pieces of a story about some girl named Anna and the details of her day. For example, stuck right in the middle of the module on speed limits would be the line, "Anna had eggs for breakfast." Later, in the drugs and alcohol section, "Anna had diet soda with lunch." Etc.

At the time I didn't pay much attention/didn't quite understand what they were doing there, but when I logged onto the final exam, sixteen of the forty questions were about Anna. I spent more time combing through the modules trying to find out what kind of car Anna drove and her dream vacation destination than I did on driving safety.

If only I had known what a sham online traffic school was I never would have spent as much time as I did reading all the modules and taking all the quizzes. Perhaps embedding these questions is their way of forcing you to have some interaction with the content but boy it irritated the hell out of me. An irritation that can only be soothed by the balm of baby animals.

Here's a home grown one. Isn't she stinkin' adorable?



Some of you know Nellie. She's the formerly feral kitty of Potrero Hill. She looks innocent here but if you know Nellie, you know she grew up to be a murderess of the highest order. No bird or small or medium-sized mammal is safe when Nellie's around.

For example, this little creature would be dispatched in a trice, cute bunneh feet and all.


Agh, those feet! I die.

You must go look at this mama and baby orangutan montage. It is sweetness.

This concludes our series on traffic school, because really? Zzzzzzzzzzz. But this will not be the last you see of baby animals.

Traffic School (Can Suck It) and Baby Animals, Part III. Plus Some Gratuitous Stuff.

Since discovering I have an additional two months to finish traffic re-education camp, I've become a bit lazy, so today's post will only be about baby animals. And maybe some porn.

Remember the redonk baby snow leopard? These little guys are growing up and have opened their eyes.


Head fuzziness = death causing

Staying on a feline theme, here are some bebeh lions.


Pretty much anytime a baby animal has dangling limbs, it's cute, especially when the paws are so big and nom nom-licious
Reader, all the talk about tea bagging this week (note: has nothing to do with taxes and conservative Republicans of all people should know this) was making me think it was time for another porn post. But while I was diligently searching for some worthy porn to share with you I got sidetracked by the video of Susan Boyle. She's caused all kinds of brouhaha on interwebs after her appearance on Britain's Got Talent (their version of American Idol) singing some crap song from Les Miz. I guess because she's frumpy and not show biz attractive it should be very surprising that she has singing talent. Huh? This whole episode is tres bizarro. This article from Jezebel gets at a bit of what I think, but what was so blech to me was just the expression on the judges' faces, like they were watching the Special Olympics.

Which just about ruined my desire to look for porn, and then when I did start looking saw too many fake boobs at once. But I did see once nice thing that I will share with you, and though a still, it is still porn, so be ye a smarty and do not click through if you're at work, okay? My day at the office will be nothing like this, sadly.

Traffic School and Baby Animals, Part II

Reader, my driving edumacation continues. Did you know that

You may not make a U-turn:

Where a “NO U-TURN” sign is posted.

When vehicles may hit you.

On a one-way street.

Together now: uh DUH.

But then, this:

In front of a fire station. Never use a fire station driveway to turn around.

Having never previously given this any thought, I do understand why this is not a good idea. I have learned something today.

I found this next nugget hard to take this seriously:

Velocitation – Unconsciously Going Too Fast

Velocitation happens when a driver is unconsciously going too fast. It can happen when driving for a long period of time. Drive when you are alert to avoid velocitation.

Velocitation can cause you not to realize that you’re speeding.

Pardon me, officer, I was lost in thought of all the bargains to be had at TJ Maxx and I must have slipped into velocitation which is somehow not just plain old speeding how now? I cannot say. This remains a mystery.

Reader, I also had the license plates stolen off of my car so sometime this week I may also regale you with tales of the DMV. To the credit of the Oakland Police Department, the officer who came to take the report was exceedingly polite and ridiculously cute. He may not have been of drinking age, however. We indulged in a moment of fantasy wherein he said he would go to the area where my car was parked and "see if anyone saw anything," and I nodded my head as if that would happen. A second later he got a call over the radio and said, "I gotta go. Someone got stabbed." I hella love Oakland.

Nuff o'that! Bring on the baby animals.



Endangered baby fennec hare. In danger of me eating it, NOM NOM.



Fennec fox. Fennec must mean "possessing ginormous ears." Apparently you can keep these little guys as house pets.

Happy Monday, reader. Bleargh.

Attend Traffic School with Professional Critic, Part I

Reader, you may have heard about my recent brush with the law as I raced to TJ Maxx. Well, Jesus was right, I did hear from the court soon after that with my citation. So I wrote the Superior Court a check for (ouch) $305. Reader, be ye careful on windy roads in small affluent crime-free towns, as the cops have precious little to do and will pull your ass over.

Because this was my first speeding ticket and I was going less than 20 miles per hour over the speed limit, I am doing online traffic school to get the point off my record or something like that and guess what?! I have already learned something!! It is against the law to: Smoke a cigarette, pipe, or cigar when a minor is inside the vehicle, whether the vehicle is on or off. The fine can be up to $100.00. (California Health & Safety Code Section 118948)

Was this true in the 70s? I don't think so. What should have been illegal but also probably wasn't: Dad smoking a pipe while Mom smoked a cigarette and painted her nails in the car. They deserved every upchuck I ever gave them. Sorry, sisters.

Also, pay attention: NEVER let your car roll down a hill.

Aren't you a better driver already? I know I am. Stay tuned for additional helpful driving tips as I make my way through this course over the next few weeks.

Apropos of nothing, here's a baby clouded leopard from my new favorite website, ZooBorns:



Baby otter goes nigh nigh in crook of arm:



Really, I could do this all day. How about this: every time I post about riveting traffic school, I will reward us all with some bebeh animal pictures that will make you grit your teeth with adorableness?

It's a deal.

Tell Them Jesus Saved Me

Reader, a few months ago I was heading toward TJ Maxx after taking a wonderful hike in a gorgeous regional park. There's nothing like fresh air to whet my appetite for bargain hunting. I was tooling along a windy road toward my destination, when coming off a hill, I noticed I was going a bit fast. Just as I put my foot on the brake, I saw the police car. I knew I was doomed and sure enough the cop made a U turn and pulled me over.

I'm sure I looked completely insane. Those of you that have ever hiked with me can probably picture it. I was filthy due to returning along a route that turned out to be not quite an actual trail, and had a striped knit cap jammed over dirty windblown hair which was sticking out in every direction in defiance of the hat. I considered my options: should I cry? Make up some fake emergency? Could I pull off flirting when I looked like I had just escaped from a mental institution? Then I remembered a former cop friend who used to tell me how much it bothered him when people he pulled over argued and that he would always let people off with a warning if they simply acknowledged their mistake and apologized.

Reader, maybe I should have flirted or cried because my tactic didn't work. The cop was nice enough as he issued my citation and I resisted the urge to say every smartass thing that came into my head about the police force of this very small, wealthy suburban town and maybe he should try coming to Oakland to chase real criminals instead of bothering Professional Critic in her quest for discount jeans. Can you feel my righteous indignation? Entirely undeserved; I was totally speeding.

Fast forward to a few days ago: I still had not received the details of my infraction in the mail and my court date was coming up quickly. I was not relishing the idea of canceling half a day's worth of meetings to attend to this--or to explain why. I got on the horn to the traffic court.

A nice man named Jesus answered the phone. I explained my situation and he sighed and said my citation was not even in the system yet, they were about four weeks behind processing letters. Again I resisted pointing out that they were actually already eight weeks behind, but who's counting? Jesus said to sit tight, and if I didn't hear anything in another month, to call again.

Jesus, I said, I don't plan to get pulled over again, but if I do, am I going to get arrested?

No, no! Just tell them Jesus said it was okay.

Uh, what is your last name?

He laughed. Oh, we don't give that out for security reasons.

An ID number?

You don't need that, he said assuringly. I'm the only Jesus here.


So, reader, if I get thrown in the poky and use my one call to call you, help me out and tell them Jesus saved me, will you?