Professional Critic, Hopelessly Behind the Times!

Did everyone in the Western world know that Jodie Foster has had the same girlfriend for ten years except for me? Thank you for showing me the light, Perez Hilton! I can't thank you quite as much for the endless pictures of Britney Spears' vagine, but in life we must take the good with the bad. No, I did not have to actually look at the uncensored version but of course I did. Shush now, because I know you will, too.

Recently, I took an online personality test, sort of an abbreviated version of the Meyer's Briggs which I took in grad school. The online version was more fun and included catchier types. In grad school I was the Introverted iNtuitive Thinking Judger (INTJ). Boring. But now, I am "The Expert."

You are the most independent and strong-willed (some might say stubborn) of all the Types. Once you make up your mind to do something - whether it’s starting or ending a relationship, or anything in between - you will do what you want to do. And God help anyone who tries to dissuade you.

Hmm, no ... doesn't ring a bell. Go on ...

You, Ms. or Mr. Expert (only 2 percent of society), are a deep thinker who is always analyzing your relationships and asking the question: does this person fit my detailed design of what an ideal mate should be like? Often the answer is “no,” because your capacity for creating the blueprint for this “perfect mate” often exceeds your ability to find him or her in the real world. Competence and intelligence are two of the most important qualities you look for in a mate. You admire someone who is well-educated and successful in his or her chosen field. Although you prefer someone whose intellect is as sharp as yours, you may fall in love with someone who is not your intellectual equal. When this happens, you may always have that nagging doubt in the back of your mind: “Is this person smart enough for me?”

Are the people that know me laughing their asses off right now? Shush, now. Eespecially if you happen to be my older sister who I strongly suspect is The Expert as well. We recently discussed how hard it is to let go of being right, which is often required for being happy. Damn it.

Ha ... pee

Uh-Guh, daughter of The Mama, is learning how to talk. The results are insanely adorable, particularly when she says "Elmo." The transition from the first to the second syllable is a little hard--she draws out the "llllmmm," her little mouth pursed like a baby fish.

A word she says very well is "happy." She pauses between the syllables, so it is more like ha...pee. Ha ... pee is exactly how I was feeling after reading about the mad scramble drug companies are making to strategize the "new political climate" in which Democrats attempt to negotiate lower drug prices for Medicare. Naturally, Republicans want to prevent this as everyone knows it is both fiscally prudent and morally correct to gouge our nations' elders attempting to obtain lifesaving medications.

In more important news, Pamela and Kid Rock are getting divorced after four months of marriage. Her web "diary" confirms the rumor and calls it "unfortunately impossible." What does that mean? I have no idea.

I'm sad for Pamela but I do like her website. She has some cool PETA info re disturbing animal tests the POM pomegranate juice people are conducting. Ick. Shamefully I have to admit that the most interesting part of her website was the gallery ofPlayboy covers. Pamela is virtually unrecognizable in the earlier photos. I'm not sure exactly what contributes to the transformation of a pretty blond girl to a cartoonish fuckdoll. The gravity defying softballs perched on her chest are part of it but it's not just that. Her face looks totally different. Is it just the makeup? Check it out, probably not at work though. Professional Critic does not want anyone to be canned for inappropriate use of the Internet.

Go, FDA!

Tonight I had dinner with The Mama and her husband. We were discussing the new commercials for the HPV vaccine Gardasil, that urge women and girls to become "one less" woman affected by cervical cancer. The Mama maintains that teens will have no idea what this vaccine is for, nor will they really care since cervical cancer is something teens definitely do not think about.

Indeed, these commercials, which feature wholesome looking girls and young women playing soccer and otherwise leading independent Oprah-style lives, completely fail to mention that the vaccine prevents many strains of HPV, an STD which causes genital warts that can then lead to cervical cancer much much later.

Merck must have gone to great lengths, quite possibly with the use of focus groups featuring the religious right, to de-sex this product. They did such a good job that I'm guessing most viewers, not just teen girls, will actually have no idea what this product is for or why they should ask their doctor about it. Wouldn't it be ever so much easier to side-step the moral handwringing, see it for the public health issue it is, make this vaccine required for school enrollment and call it a day? We'll stay tuned on that front.

But what I really wanted to say was that I just love the FDA website. I check it periodically to see if Mylan, the company that has initial exclusive rights to produce generic amlodipine, aka Norvasc the insanely expensive blood pressure medicine that Miss Kitty is taking, has actually started producing it. Pfizer has had Mylan and other pharmaceutical companies in non-stop litigation to extend their patent-which is of course already expired. Give it up already you greedy bastards! Affordable medicine for the people and the cats!

If you don't understand what the FDA does, and I sure don't, you must check out their warning letters. Any public airing of dirty laundry is of course fascinating but the scope and magnitude of the FDA's purview is just staggering. Many of the warning letters are about food--a lot of them seem to be about adulterated seafood, slightly frightening. But many of these letters are to pharmaceutical companies, taking them to task for a variety of things, but most notably for either overpromising what their drug can do or under-emphasizing nasty/fatal side effects.

There are so many to choose from but since I have an ongoing bug up my ass about Pfizer, check out this one addressed to Henry A. McKinnell, Pfizer Board Chair:

The Division of Drug Marketing, Advertising, and Communications (DDMAC) has reviewed three direct-to-consumer (DTC) print advertisements (ads) titled "Tired of your allergy medicine not working?" (airplane) (ID #ZY179738), "Tired of your allergy medicine not working?" (office) (ID #ZY182060A) and "Maybe it's time to switch allergy medicines" (ID #ZY182060) for Zyrtec® (cetirizine HCI) Tablets, Syrup, and Chewable Tablets submitted by Pfizer Inc . (Pfizer) under cover of Form FDA 2253. The print ads make superiority claims about Zyrtec by suggesting it is clinically superior to some other allergy medicines. To our knowledge, these claims have not been demonstrated by substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience. Therefore, these claims misbrand your drug product in violation of the Federal Food, Drug, and Cosmetic Act (Act) and FDA implementing regulations. See 21 U.S.C. § 352(n) ; 21 CFR 202.1(e)(6).

Later:

The three DTC print ads cited above make false or misleading claims that Zyrtec is clinically superior to some other allergy medicines, namely, that Zyrtec "works" and that at least some other allergy medicines do not work.

The "Tired of your allergy medicine not working?" (airplane) ad features a picture of two people seated on an airplane . A man is sneezing and the text next to his picture states : "In the right seat. On the wrong allergy medicine." The woman in the seat next to him, who is not sneezing, is looking at him . The text next to her picture states : "On top of things. On Zyrtec." The prominent callout headline below the picture states "Tired of your allergy medicine not working? Good thing there's Zyrtec."

The "Tired of your allergy medicine not working?" (office) ad features a picture of people in an office setting . A woman appears to be sneezing into a tissue, and the text next to her picture states: "On the wrong page. On the wrong allergy medicine ." The woman next to her is on the phone and is looking over at her, with the text next to her picture stating : "On the ball . On Zyrtec." The prominent callout headline below the picture states "Tired of your allergy medicine not working? Good thing there's Zyrtec."

The "Maybe it's time to switch allergy medicines" ad features the same office setting as the prior ad. The text next to the woman wiping her nose states : "Needs to switch allergy medicines." The text next to the woman on the phone states: "Needs to switch desks." The prominent callout headline below the picture states: "Maybe it's time to switch allergy medicines when your co-worker volunteers to swap seats with the intern."

For each of the ads, the text under the headline states : "Your allergy medicine should work on all of your indoor and outdoor allergies. Really work. Why put up with a medicine that only treats outdoor allergies? Shouldn't it cover both?" Each ad also tells the consumer to ask their doctor "about switching to prescription Zyrtec," "So you - and your seatmates - can feel good the whole flight" or "So you - and your co-workers - can feel good in the office," respectively.

The overwhelming message from the text and the visuals of these ads is the comparative claim that Zyrtec is more effective in treating allergies in general, or certain types of allergies, than some other allergy products, which are not effective . As noted above, FDA is not aware of substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience demonstrating that Zyrtec is clinically superior to any other available OTC and prescription oral allergy medicine. In addition, it is misleading to suggest that patients taking Zyrtec would be "On top of things" or "On the ball" as compared to patients on other allergy drugs. Furthermore, FDA is not aware of substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience demonstrating that other antihistamines are not effective in treating PAR [Perennial Allergic Rhinitis i.e. allergies people] (i.e., have been tested and failed), as is suggested by these ads. Finally, FDA is not aware of substantial evidence or substantial clinical experience showing that patients who fail on other allergy drugs will be effectively treated by Zyrtec, as the ad suggests. Therefore, these claims are false or misleading.

FDA does not object to the dissemination of truthful, non-misleading statements about approved indications, and we acknowledge that Zyrtec is approved for a broader range of indications than many other antihistamines . Therefore, we do not object to the statement in the ads that, "No other antihistamine is approved to treat more allergies than Zyrtec." Rather, our concern is that this factual statement, which follows the other claims and visuals noted above, does not correct the overall misleading impression that superior effectiveness, not merely a comparison of indications, is being promoted in these ads. Absent substantial supporting evidence or clinical experience, the ads suggest that the absence of a particular claim in another antihistamine's labeling affirmatively means that the antihistamine does not work for that claim. Likewise, they also suggest that Zyrtec is more effective -- either in general or in specific cases -- than at least some other antihistamines.

Isn't this great? The FDA tells them what we all already know--their advertising is a bunch of bullshit. As a Professional Critic, I absolutely love the granularity of their nitpickiness--it knows no bounds.

Check out this excerpt from a warning letter to Gilead, maker of Viread, a hugely succesful HIV drug:

... a representative of Gilead made oral representations at Gilead’s promotional exhibit booth during the 15th National HIV/AIDS Update Conference in Miami, Florida, on March 31 - April 2, 2003, that minimized important risk information and broadened the indication for Viread. Your failure to disclose the fatal risks of lactic acidosis and severe hepatomegaly with steatosis reported with the use of nucleoside analogues raises significant public health and safety concerns. This conduct is particularly troubling because the more than 1,500 attendees of this conference included social workers, AIDS educators, and patients with HIV/AIDS, and you had previously been warned not to engage in such activities.

An FDA mole, infiltrating a medical conference posing as an earnest social worker?

Clearly my next job should be with the FDA.

The Good News Keeps Coming

Is there anything more delicious than a leftover super burrito? After sitting overnight in the fridge the burrito is transformed into an entirely new taste experience--much like hot/cold pizza. Both delightful, yet totally different. That was my breakfast, with buckets of coffee. Yum!

I'm in an especially good mood today because the FDA lifted the ban on silicone breast implants. I plan to call my plastic surgeon as soon as I'm done here to make an appointment. He's been bothering me for years to upgrade to a bigger rack but I've been holding back, wading in the kiddie pool of self-improvement--Botox, Restalyn, microdermabrasion. No scalpels yet though I was starting to consider ass implants to make me look more like J Lo. I've noticed it getting a little flatter, losing some of that oomph it had when it was a younger ass. I guess I could do squats and such, but what a bother! As soon as I stopped it would droop again and I want the permanent fix.

You must be wondering, as my plastic surgeon and my friend Pamela Anderson do, how I've made it this far in life with such woefully small boobs. Lingerie manufacturers seem unable to create an A cup bra that is not as thick as a sofa cushion, so I shouldn't look too different when I'm stuffed with silicone instead of foam rubber. But the best part is they will still be big once the bra comes off, eliminating that potentially awkward moment of discovery.

There's just one small detail that needs to be worked out. Since the FDA hasn't been able to actually determine the number of years that a silicone implant is safe from leaking, and a hysterical contingent of so-called "women's health advocacy" harridans insist that this leakage causes cancer and autoimmune disorders, the FDA is recommending routine MRIs to detect "silent rupture--" which may not be covered by health insurance. I don't have health insurance anyway and I think if you're gong to commit to self-improvement, you need to commit 110%, and that means sacrifice.

Something Sweet

Since I know some vegans, I feel obligated to mention this vegan ice cream website that Blogger featured. Yep, a whole blog about vegan ice cream by Agnes L. of Mountain View, CA.

The very first recipe I read calls for "flax eggs" which sounds unacceptably weird. But from my briefly vegan days I recall the struggle to find the perfect egg substitute that did not result in leaden product, so perhaps Agnes L. has found the solution in flax eggs. In general I think vegan ice cream--actually vegan most things-- are gross--even though I have high cholesterol I forego the ice cream totally because nothing compares to the smooth creamy lusciousness of dairy, mmm dairy. You can see why I had to stop being vegan. I love cheese too much. And also pork.

But Agnes L. is just so darn enthusiastic and represents everything I like about the Bay Area I have to applaud her. Even though after reading her blog I still have no desire to eat vegan ice cream and many of her recipes contain cups of margarine which just goes to show you can be a vegan and still eat crap. Enjoy.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

I was already starting to feel a little depressed and irritable. It's mid-November and the holiday frenzy is starting to gain momentum. Honor the baby Jesus and max out your credit cards on shoddy goods made in China by underpaid sub-standardly housed Wal-Mart employees. Upgrade to a 52 inch plasma TV--if you don't, the terrorists have won.

Ads to help the "needy" are coming out, too. Who knows how they've managed the other ten months of the year but donating the dented cans of creamed corn languishing in your pantry is sure to offset your consumer driven guilt. Blech. Even the news of Britney finally kicking Kevin to the curb barely cheered me. Then I had to stumble upon an article about Potter's Field in New York.

New York, like other cities, buries its poor, unknown and unclaimed in Potter's Field, located on Hart Island near the Bronx. Potter's Field is a generic term for anyplace the poor and unknown are buried. Wikpedia describes the origins of this term as:

...Matthew 27:7 in the New Testament of the Bible, in which Hebrew priests take 30 pieces of silver returned by a repentant Judas and "used the money to buy the potter's field as a burial place for foreigners." It was not called "the potter's field" because a potter owned it, but rather because the land was unfit to grow crops, and therefore only used by potters to dig clay.

Many cities have their own Potter's Field, just as many cities have a Tenderloin district. I thought it was called Tenderloin because it had been a meatpacking district but apparently it is because historically police officers were paid more to patrol these tougher streets, thus allowing them to buy better cuts of meat.

Dying is expensive for surviving loved ones. The cheapest way I know of to handle the dead is Pacific Interment in the Bay Area, where your remains can be disposed of for around $1000. Burial is easily $10,000, not counting the plot. So having a place to bury the poor is a public heath issue--you can't very well let the corpses of poor or unknown people molder in city morgues.

So what's so depressing about all of this? New York's Potter's Field is run by the Department of Corrections. The inmates on Riker's Island bury the dead for 50 cents an hour. Hart Island is not open to the public. To get permission to visit the graves of the dead from the Department of Corrections, you must get a death certificate and burial receipt, which you can only do if you are a relative or legal guardian of the deceased.

It reminds me of the cringeworthy Bushism--that's redundant--like saying chaise lounge. The Bushism, "First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers." Not necessarily killers, but probably criminals of some kind, a stigma that follows the poor to death and beyond.

If people with means had to jump through all these hoops to visit the graves of their loved ones, they would certainly freak out and litigate. One of their arguments would surely be that they paid handsomely for the service of burial and upkeep precisely to have the right to visit freely.

San Francisco's system is slightly better, only because there is no involvement from Corrections. When alerted by the Medical Examiner's office of a deceased indigent or unknown, the Public Administrator's office will attempt to find any surviving relative to pony up the costs of cremation. Anyone who coughs up the dough can have the remains but no money, no remains. The message is the same: if you cannot pay, you do not have any rights concerning the deceased.

I suppose this also speaks to the "professionalization" of services typically provided by families, a far cry from the days when your kin would lay you out on the diningroom table and prepare you for burial themselves. Or the fractured nature of our familial relationships, when it once may have been unthinkable for close family members to be in a distant city alone, let alone dying alone in one.

I really must step away from this now before I become despondent. Someone recently told me something to the effect of, "A certain amount of denial is necessary to get out of bed in the morning." Too true. I must get ready to go to Stitch and Bitch hosted by The Mama, where I will no doubt engage in totally shallow gossip such as aforementioned divorce of Brit and other utterly superficial yet entertaining subjects.

Take That, GOP!

People are coming out like gangbusters these days. First was that N Sync guy whose name I don't remember. Then the dorky guy from Grey's Anatomy who had the hot girlfriend with "a little meat on her" as Lizh says. Then Annie Leibowitz came out, granted in a slightly ambiguous way that allowed people to think she and Susan Sontag were just really really good friends. Oh yeah, and that disgraced minister who admitted that he called an "escort" to a hotel room for a massage and bought meth from him but "didn't use it." I almost fell off my chair, I was laughing so hard about that one. He can stay in the closet as far as I'm concerned. Blech.

But now, Doogie Howser! Can Jodie Foster be far behind???