Saturday, November 18, 2006

The Good News Keeps Coming

Is there anything more delicious than a leftover super burrito? After sitting overnight in the fridge the burrito is transformed into an entirely new taste experience--much like hot/cold pizza. Both delightful, yet totally different. That was my breakfast, with buckets of coffee. Yum!

I'm in an especially good mood today because the FDA lifted the ban on silicone breast implants. I plan to call my plastic surgeon as soon as I'm done here to make an appointment. He's been bothering me for years to upgrade to a bigger rack but I've been holding back, wading in the kiddie pool of self-improvement--Botox, Restalyn, microdermabrasion. No scalpels yet though I was starting to consider ass implants to make me look more like J Lo. I've noticed it getting a little flatter, losing some of that oomph it had when it was a younger ass. I guess I could do squats and such, but what a bother! As soon as I stopped it would droop again and I want the permanent fix.

You must be wondering, as my plastic surgeon and my friend Pamela Anderson do, how I've made it this far in life with such woefully small boobs. Lingerie manufacturers seem unable to create an A cup bra that is not as thick as a sofa cushion, so I shouldn't look too different when I'm stuffed with silicone instead of foam rubber. But the best part is they will still be big once the bra comes off, eliminating that potentially awkward moment of discovery.

There's just one small detail that needs to be worked out. Since the FDA hasn't been able to actually determine the number of years that a silicone implant is safe from leaking, and a hysterical contingent of so-called "women's health advocacy" harridans insist that this leakage causes cancer and autoimmune disorders, the FDA is recommending routine MRIs to detect "silent rupture--" which may not be covered by health insurance. I don't have health insurance anyway and I think if you're gong to commit to self-improvement, you need to commit 110%, and that means sacrifice.

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