Tuesday, January 15, 2013

What I Won't Do For You, Reader

There is no end to the pop culture bullets I will take for you, reader! I just read the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy. Did you know there were three books? I didn't. Of course I had to read them all.

When reading 50 Shades, it is impossible not to draw immediate parallels with the Twilight series. As I discovered tonight, 50 Shades of Grey had its beginnings as Twilight fanfic! This makes so much sense. EL James read the Twilight books, found them wanting for sex, as we all did, and porn was born.  Now she's really stinking rich.   

If you've read one or the other, or neither, never fear--I created this handy reference chart just for you!   

50 Shades of Grey
Is our leading lady awkward? Yes. Yup.
But how do we know?Tripping, falling. Brunette.Chews lip. Brunette.
Is she unaware of how bee-yoo-tiful she is? You know it.Of course.
Does she become a sex goddess though, once unleashed by leading man?Eventually. Wade through about six thousand pages first.Tout de suite!
Does leading man have impressively thick hair?Sure!Def
Which he runs his hands through in frustration and/or horniness how often?Constantly.Incessantly.
Flaw of leading manVampire, mmkaySadist and big ol’ perv, yo
Giveaway to central flawSparkles in the sunlight.Inability to be touched + burn marks on chest.
But is he loaded? Though unemployed, yes, somehow he isBusiness mogul, hell yeah!
And does he drive an awesome car?
Fer sureBien sur!
Recurrent couple dynamicMan rescuing woman from imminent perilWoman defiant → man administers spanking→ sex
Will any part of this book inspire reader to sexytimes? DoubtfulDefinitely
Does it end with a marriage and a baby?Of course, duh!Of course, duh!

50 Shades is slowly making its way to the silver screen. If it's well cast with a completely transformed screenplay, it could be like Secretary, a sweet little movie about two perverts who find each other and live happily ever after.  If it's not done well, it will be like Body of Evidence, the 1993 Madonna movie which was supposed to be all ZEXY/ZHOCKING but was laughably ridiculous.

The Interwebs are just abuzz with casting chatter. Who ultimately plays Christian Grey and Anastasia Steele will certainly depend on how explicit this movie is going to be.  According to etonline, screenwriter Kelly Marcel assures us that that movie will be NC-17 and "it's going to be raunchy. We are 100 percent going there."

Who might be going there? A sampling:
  • Alexander Skarsgard. He is sex personified, so I support this choice in theory but at 36 he is too old.
  • Channing Tatum. Is the opposite of sexy and NO.
  • Ian Somerhalder. In that tweenie vampire show. Based on pictures alone, he's a possibility.
  • Henry Cavill. Did you ever see his scenes with Gabrielle Anwar in The Tudors? Jesus on a Triscuit. Professional Critic Seal of Approval.  
  • Matt Bomer. He's on White Collar. At 35, he may be too old as well, but he looks a lot younger than ASkars.
  • Emilia Clarke. Plays Daenerys on Game of Thrones. Maybe?
  • Anne Hathaway. NONONO.
  • And a bunch of other girls that I never heard of. 
I will keep you posted as this important news story unfolds, reader.


Par Avion said...

Plus, ASkars comes to the project with vampire mystique, adding to the parallels. Thanks for taking this bullet. You saved me.

Winger said...

I am in awe of your systematic mind.

Professional Critic said...

Par Avion, I'm happy to be of assistance. You're so right--ASkars True Blood cred can only help.

Winger, what can I say? When I apply myself, there is no cultural watershed too ridiculous for me to grapple with.