Thursday, December 13, 2012

Unemployed and Working Hard

What it is, reader! As some of you know, I have recently joined the ranks of the happily unemployed. Some may think that when you leave a job without another one on the horizon, you must have pretty big plans for yourself. Yeah. Yeah, I do have pretty big plans: blogging the shit out of the most recent issue of InTouch Weekly. Here we go!

The cover is what drove me to part with $2.99: a split photo of Kate Middleton and Jennifer Aniston, with the screamy headline: FINALLY! They're Both Pregnant!

Reader, I don't know about you but after so many years of having the sad emptiness of Jennifer Aniston's womb being jammed down my throat, I find myself strangely invested in her procreation, brainwashed sheep that I am. But we've been on "bump watch" so many times ... this better be it, InTouch or I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT.

My interest in the Kate story is a bit more base. If you follow the gossips, you know the Princess is expecting and has hyperemesis gravidarum, aka non-stop pregnancy related barfing, which sounds absolutely miserable.  Naturally, I was hoping for some gross stories about ill-timed public vomiting, for example on the Queen's lap during high tea or even better, on one of the Queen's corgis during high tea.

Let's crack this issue open and get to work!

Who Wore It Better? No one. FEH.

50 year-old pathetic hag Demi is continuing to bed the youngsters. Cue the outrage and pearl clutching. Her latest enfant is 26 year-old Vito Schanbel, son of Julian, the shlumpy pajamas-clad artist. I can't summon any feeling about this. Alec Baldwin is 26 years older than his new wife Hilaria and there was no such kerfuffle. I'm calling sexist bullshit on this 'story.'

Something about Angus T. Jones, some guy in that show that I never watch that had that "winning" guy in it zzzzidon'tcareaboutthesepeople

We already knew this guy was a total ass, but here's more proof:  Kelsey Grammar was seen leaving LAX without putting his 4 month-old daughter in a car seat.

Alyson Hanigan from Buffy and How I Met Your Mother makes the cutest freaking children jesus god.

Teresa Guidice, of Real Housewives of Somewhere table-flipping fame, continues to be famous for looking and acting like a crazy person.

Unsurprising yet sadly, Lindsay Lohan continues to be a mess.  She punched a psychic in the face in a bar. Any psychic on their j-o-b really should have seen this coming and ducked, amirite? I really wish for her that Liz and Dick wasn't so terrible. Will Lindsay be able to swim away from her cursed gene pool? I'm rooting for her.

Kate and William Making Bebehs: She's radiant, he's thrilled, friends say she'll be a great mother, blah blah blah. Not one vomit story. I WANT MY MONEY BACK.

Jessica Simpson is pregnant again but we knew this a long time ago. Print media, you just can't keep up.

Human cake topper Mario Lopez apparently got married. To a woman. Am I the only one who thought he was gay?

The money shot: JEN'S PREGNANT! Evidence: photos of Jen wearing a bulky winter coat because it's winter, with yellow arrows pointing to her "baby bump." No visible bump whatsoever. Insiders say she is "holding her belly," and "smiling at Justin." Fed up with this lame non-story, I googled "is jennifer aniston pregnant?" But as soon as I typed "is jennifer" it was obvious that I was in good suspicious company.  I remained unconvinced--until I linked to a story that she didn't drink champagne or eat sushi at her own engagement party. As soon as this story is confirmed, I'm sure we'll rev right into fetus fretting without missing a beat because OLD.

Another fucking article about whether/when Angelina and Brad will get married. Good gravy, they are raising six children, at least one of whom is gender non-conforming and they are quite adamantly supportive of it.  As long as they don't make anymore absurd Chanel ads, whatever they do is okay with me. Because they care what I think, deeply.

Is Gavin Rossdale stepping out on Gwen Stefani with the nanny? It would be hard to otherwise explain this picture of his hand on her ass.

Britney Spears, whose forehead no longer moves, may be getting Botox injections.

Uber hottie Camilla Belle is dating that doofusy praying football guy.

Former Playmate Holly Madison is knocked up and doesn't feel sexy. Indeed, she looks incredibly awkward and self-conscious in her bikini pictures. Girl, go check out  Demi's 1991 naked preggo Vanity Fair cover. That is how you do pregnant sexy, which is the same way you do any sexy. Own your shit, girl.

They've Lost Too Much Weight: a bunch of ladies get called out for being too skinny. Of this group, only Kerry Washington has that very concerning giant-headed lollipop look. She looks a bit like Calista Flockhart did during her Ally McBeal days, when she insisted she was perfectly healthy except later she admitted she was anorexic and bulimic.

Everyone's wearing ... Oxblood dresses! I like this color and raise no objection.

53% of poll takers say they would wear gold lame shorts. Best non sequitur of the issue.


Winger said...

Someone is really named Hilaria? Because that is worth $2.99 right there.

Professional Critic said...

Yep, that is really her name. For a long time I thought her Twitter handle was a joke (@hilaria), but apparently she's Spanish. Whoops!