Friday, February 06, 2009

Hi Ho, It's Porn

Appropriate blog fodder is something I'm often thinking about. What exactly should I be writing about here? Considering the humble origins of this blog, to keep me awake during a dull overnight job, pretty much anything goes. Getting a breast cyst aspirated, UTIs and yeast infections, the nasal enema, and finding butt plugs in the produce aisle at Safeway. But what have I never written about? I'll tell you what: porn.

There's a certain amount of suspension of disbelief that comes with porn that I struggle with. This is the same difficulty I have with ridiculous fantasy or sci-fi movies. Hang on a sec, let me just nestle this suggestively spurting garden hose between my mesh t-shirt-clad silicone enhanced knockers. This is how I always garden. What's that? The UPS man is here? Reader, oy.

As a literary girl, I also object to the inelegant prose that infects much porn. While I appreciate the directness of "hot squirter gets her ass jammed," it's a touch lacking as far as well-crafted sentences go.

Hypernerdy Nicholson Baker was one of the best things that happened to written smut because he was actually able to pen a completely literary, plausible, funny yet completely hot scene involving a UPS driver. It was disappointing when he stopped writing about sex and started writing about ridiculousness like World War II. Nicholson? There's lots of war scholars out there but not that many great smut writers, so please come back. I own both Vox and The Fermata (home of said UPS scenes) but as we all know, just like recipes, porn needs to be appropriately cycled to maintain that certain je nes sais shamwow.

But the written word doesn't always cut it. Sometimes you want the visual and two free hands. Does it go with saying that the rest of this post and every link that follows will be totally, completely, utterly NSFW? If you're new to the "information superhighway," that's "not safe for work." As in, don't even think about it unless you relish the idea of looking for a new job in this suck economy. Please note I am posting this on the weekend. You're welcome. If you're offended by porn, please go away now. If you're not 18 yet, please go away.

I'm a pretty big fan of the Gawker media sites, and an almost daily reader of Jezebel and Consumerist. Gawker has many other sites but the third that I frequent is Fleshbot. There's something for just about everyone here and an amazing degree of specificity in these posts, though I haven't yet encountered golden showers, poop scenes and blood sports. If that's your scene, you might be disappointed with Fleshbot's offerings.

If knocked up ladies are your thing, there's pregnancy sex. Perhaps you relish chimp-like dexterity and have a foot fetish? Then you'll like foot jobs. Try to not say WOW when you see girls that squirt. If you must, here's an otherwise pretty but emaciated lady with ultra-fake softball boobs . Perhaps masturbating men are right up your alley, so here's a wanking daddy. Though much of it sucks, here's a sprinkling of some not-so-awful girl on girl action and a well-timed foursome. If you've never heard of bukkake (the Wikipedia illustration is kind of funny), or even if you have check this out. This pool table scene has several stand-out features: she actually has pubic hair and her natural, small boobs. He's kind of an old, regular looking guy, she appears to have a real orgasm, they talk all kinds of filth in a seemingly heartfelt way, he actually comes inside her rather than pulling out for the cliched, awful money shot and when they're done, they kiss, he slaps her ass then goes to pee. Kinda sweet, actually.

Finally, though it's not porn per se, I just had to include this because it's hilarious. But she could be right. Who really knows what the Obamas are up to, anyway?

2 comments:

april m. said...

love.

Professional Critic said...

right back atcha.