Tuesday, January 09, 2007

What's Next, Jenny Craig Canine?

The resources of the pharmaceutical industry have finally been put to good use. The FDA recently announced their approval of the first obesity drug for dogs. It's about time we hit hard at the legions of overfed and underexercised housepets and I applaud my friends at Pfizer (the folks that brought you 'wood on demand' and the people that due to endless litigation are keeping Miss Kitty's blood pressure medicine ultra expensive) for taking the first steps toward corralling this growing public health epidemic.

As the human companion of a slightly zaftig pet I find rotundity endearing and utterly adorable. My cat kicks "feline sleek" to the curb and embraces her inner raccoon. But, as a vet once told me, cats can handle extra weight better than dogs and people and then proceeded to inform me that I should feed her 1/8 cup of dry food per day. Have you ever even seen an 1/8 cup measure? Probably not, because in the circles we move in, we would just call that two skimpy tablespoons. Does that seem like enough food for any living creature bigger than a dwarf hamster? I didn't think so either. Also, I value my life and despite weighing about 9 pounds, after some vigorous scratch post activity her nails are lethal weapons and I am a vulnerable target when sleeping.

Side effects to Slentrol include vomiting, loose stools, and diarrhea. Though she has a host of other medical problems, my cat has never been a barfer and is chronically constipated, so these are two things I thankfully have little first hand experience of. But I can imagine, and have heard from friends that live with such animals, that there are few things less pleasant than dog diarrhea especially since due to its explosive nature tends to involve wall to wall carpeting, antique persian rugs, the backseats of cars and beds that unfortunately never had the mattress cover put back on after the last epsiode of the squirts.

Who knows what consumers will think? Perhaps the segment of the population who think it is advisable to remove back teeth to create sculpted cheekbones, smart to enter their daughters in scary Jon Benet style pageants and a-ok to have bags of salt water sewn into their chests will think Slentrol is a great idea.

I'll take the fat animal.

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