Finally, I Understand Scientology

You've probably heard about the latest controversy surrounding South Park. In a recent episode, creators Trey Parker and Matt Stone aimed their sights at Scientology and Tom Cruise, intimating that Scientology is a giant closet that harbors Cruise and John Travolta. Cruise is allegedly refusing to do publicity for Mission Impossible III unless the episode is pulled. MI III is a Paramount film and Paramount is owned by Viacom which also owns ... Comedy Central. These stinkin' media conglomerates! But that's for another day.

Earlier in the week, Isaac Hayes, voice of the fabulous Chef and a Scientologist, left the show, issuing this statement: "There is a place in this world for satire, but there is a time when satire ends and intolerance and bigotry towards religious beliefs of others begins," Hayes said. "Religious beliefs are sacred to people, and at all times should be respected and honoured. As a civil rights activist of the past 40 years, I cannot support a show that disrespects those beliefs and practices."

Earth to Isaac Hayes: where've you've been for the past nine years?You've been employed by a show whose characters include a singing piece of crap, plotlines of the faithful flocking to a statue of the Virgin Mary bleeding out of her ass, and a movie titled after a giant uncircumcised shlong featuring Winona Ryder shooting ping pong balls out of her cooter. Your character Chef, no doubt also a civil rights activist, has had frank sexual conversations with schoolchildren, eagerly bedded hundreds of women and sang lustily about your chocolate salty balls.

Can I really be blamed if the impression I have formed about Scientologists is as a group of folks with heads entrenched firmly up their own asses? What do I have to draw on? The hypocrisy of Isaac Hayes? Tom Cruise, stomping on Oprah's furniture or wowing millions of women with his impressive knowledge of psychiatry and post partum depression?

Tired of being misled once again by the liberal Jewish controlled media I go right to the source, the official Scientology website and start reading the celebrity testimonials that appear on every page of the site.

I'm a smart girl, capable of understanding relatively complex concepts but I am not sure what the hell Kelly Preston means when she trills,

"The Purification Rundown heightened my senses greatly. Colors became brighter, my hearing more acute, everything tasted better ..."

Lacking any official explanation of the Purification Rundown, I can only conclude that it is some type of hallucinogen.

Undeterred, I read on. Here's Juliette Lewis:

"I am no longer stuck in the bottomless pit of despair and apathy. Having achieved a state of Clear is the single most important thing I've done for myself."

What is this state of Clear, exactly? Is this what results from a purification Rundown? Perhaps the state of Clear refers to the clear complexion that comes from adult acne medication, a Scientology version of Proactiv. Adult acne can definitely cause both despair and apathy, so I think this might be right. Too bad the site doesn't tell me, but I can buy a Scientology handbook for $100; perhaps the answers are there.

I read on, my interested piqued by a section titled "Practical Solutions for a Dangerous Environment." What can this be about? Child proofing your home? Preparing for a terrorist attack? A Scientology based defensive driving class?

There are seven solutions but it's #2 that catches my eye:

Don't Read the Newspaper

This is very simple. Tell the person, Don't read the newspapers for two weeks and see if you don't feel better."

If he doesn't read the newspapers for two weeks, of course he will feel better. Then tell him, Now read the newspaper for a week, and at the end of that week you will find you feel worse. Then make up your mind whether or not you ought to pay any attention to the newspapers.
This could be proposed to the person as a simple experiment. It isn't even an expensive experiment. As a matter of fact, it is cheaper not to buy newspapers than to buy them.

This is a simple action, but a very effective one which can markedly change a person's outlook on life.

Wow. All of a sudden I experience my own sense of Clear and just like Juliette predicted, it is a relief! The media has been wrong about a lot of things (the need to be emaciated, the need for breast implants, the need for an SUV), but about this they reported correctly: Scientologists do have their heads up their asses. In the dark confines of ones ass, one can avoid the upset that accompanies knowledge of world events. In the ass, one can remain Purified, the sense of Clear intact.

So many things make sense to me now! From now on when I read about Silent Birth (no noise of any kind during birth, not talking to your newborn for the first 7 days of life to prevent the formation of "engrams," impressions formed in the brain by traumatic experiences) I won't feel bad for future mom Scientologists, because when you already have your head up your ass, giving birth isn't nearly so bad.