Recipe: Oakland Secret Sauce

Reader, we've heard so much from Oakland Mayor Libby Schaaf about the "secret sauce" that makes our town special, but no one seems to know what secret sauce is. I've been tinkering in the kitchen and am pleased to now share my recipe with you!

Oakland Secret Sauce

Prepare a bouquet garni:

·      ½ cup street-sourced, finely shattered auto glass (a mix of tinted and clear glass is preferable)

·      One vegan, gluten-free donut with sprinkles, crumbled

·      Handful of stuffing from an abandoned sofa

·      One bulb fennel, pulled from highway off-ramp, chopped

·      One heaping teaspoon rescued pit bull toenails

Note: though harder to source, adding a few sweaty hairs from a tightly-packed BART commuter to your bouquet garni will make Oakland Secret Sauce pop.

Wrap ingredients in an outstanding public records request and tie tightly with strip of coastal redwood bark. Gently pass bouquet garni through a thick cloud of marijuana smoke 6-8 times. Set aside.

In large bowl, mix:

·      Four cups VC-backed, third wave, shade-grown, fair trade, pour-over coffee

·      Two cups Lake Merritt water collected at low tide and strained through a chinois of parking tickets

·      One cup coconut water  (can substitute kombucha)

·      One quarter leftover caritas burrito, foil removed

Using immersion blender, blend until completely smooth.

Transfer ingredients to a pothole 12-18” across and 6-12” deep.  To test size, set traffic cone into pothole. Only the top half of the traffic cone should be visible.  Let sit overnight.

Note: Potholes widely available throughout City; please refer to See Click Fix app for appropriate potholes near you.

The next morning, remove bouquet garni from the pothole and taste. The Secret Sauce should have complex layers of flavor and spice with smoky notes of asphalt and car exhaust. The mix of flavors will challenge and at times even confuse--though ultimately satisfy--the palate.

Ladle Special Sauce into small Mason jars. Don’t forget to label your sauce! Descriptors such as "hand crafted," "Oakland Grown," "local," "artisanal," and "small batch" are all appropriate. Perfect for selling at the Farmer's Market, gifting to your new tech executive neighbor or as a goodbye Town memento to your priced-out friends.

This recipe is amenable to additions and substitutions. Add your favorites below!