Sunday, September 20, 2009

Live Blogging the 2009 Emmys

5:34 I'm late! What did I miss?

5:35 Oh, the funny ladies! Good, I didn't miss it.

5:36 Oh, Samantha Who isn't a good show at all. Sarah Silverman's moustache! It's Toni Collette for the win, I do so like her, but have never seen United States of Tara. Wait, this is a Steven Spielberg show? Who knew? But what does the bottom of this dress look like? Oh, no, there it is. Don't like it.

5:38 Jon Cryer won an Emmy? Someone please tell me this is a nightmare.

5:39 Holy Blake Lively's boobies in that red dress. Whoa. It's best guest actor/actress. Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake! Tina's dress is boring, disappointing. I'd like to see her branch out a bit, fashion-wise.

5:41 Wait, what is going on with the shoulders of Leighton's dress? It looks like her neck is being attacked by throw pillows.

5:44 Reader, taking this commercial break to tell you that since TV went digital and I dutifully bought the converter box, I gained ten Cantonese channels, five Spanish channels, thirty seven public television stations and lost NBC, ABC and CBS. Hence, watching this streaming on laptop instead of on TV. Is this a conspiracy by cable companies? Methinks yes.

5:48 Rob Lowe still looks so good. Amazing. Actor in comedy! Alec Baldwin rules in this role. Oh but Jemaine from FOTC is so good, too. What is this "Big Bang Theory?" Huh, never saw it. Two and a Half Men, why? WHY? YES! It's Alec!

5:52 Classy acceptance speech by Alec. Says it's the best job he'll ever have. Don't doubt it.

5:54 WTF is this? Not funny, just gross, Family Guy.

5:54 Reality awards. Blergh. I mostly hate this entire genre.

5:57 Cheesy dancing. Yawn.

5:58 Neil Patrick Harris, I guess he's okay. Hayden looks pretty, nice updo. I don't care about any of these reality shows. I like writing and character development, sue me.

6:00 Is Jeff Probst like a total bazillionaire? Nice speech, though. Brief and grateful, light touch.

6:01 More commercials. I need water, this is an endurance event.

6:03 Yummy cocktail sounds better: vodka, lime fizzy water, strawberry lemonade. Delish!

6:06 Oh Tracy Morgan! He's incredibly fun to watch. But I still don't care about reality TV. Oh, a deaf person was on Amazing Race? Interesting. I think the only reality show I have seen in a while is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Which was pretty good, in a train wreck kind of way. It's The Amazing Race for the win. I don't care.

6:09 For someone who says he's speechless, he has a lot to say. Enough of you, Amazing Race.

6:09 On to miniseries movies. I don't recognize any of these so far. Oh, Gray Gardens. I tried to watch the original movie and I couldn't make it through. So much crazy, I found it painful to watch. Oh, Kevin and Kyra, I love them both. Kyra's dress is too flouncy and floofy, but what a lovely color. So flattering on her.

6:13 I don't know who Shohreh Aghdashloo is, but she's gorgeous, like the Iranian Salma Hayek.

6:14 More miniseries movies that I don't know or care about. This time, the men. Some guy named Ken Howard wins for Gray Gardens. He looks vaguely familiar. Makes a good joke about getting interrupted by a Congressmen or a rapper. Nice. And then he acknowledges his kidney donor. I LOVE IT! Then he sweetly recognizes his wife, whose birthday is today. I love Ken Howard now.

6:18 A commercial for a new movie, The Invention of Lying. Has lots of good people, Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey, sounds promising.

6:20 Most of the people commenting on the live stream seem to be from other countries. Apparently the Tide Cold Water commercial featuring Digable Planets "Cool Like That" made a big impression.

6:22 Chandra Wilson, I don't like that dress one iota. It looks like it's devouring you. Kate Walsh, not sure I love the gray or all that ruching around your hips. I have definitely seen you look much better. Who is this guy now? Some miniseries thing again. He has a nice accent. Brendan Gleeson. All the commenters are talking about his performance in "In Bruges." Anyone?

6:27 Patricia Arquette, what the hell? This one-shouldered black glittery unflattering piece of bad news should have never been put on your body. Jennifer Love Hewitt has on a pretty flowy strapless yellow number that's a bit boring but looks nice on her. She's having a good hair day, too.

6:28 Dearblha Walsh won for something and she needs to be wearing more supportive undergarments. Sweet speech, though.

6:30 Really? The accountants--oh, it's Dr. Horrible. I didn't love this. But I agree that the future of home entertainment is the internet, but this is pretty funny.

6:33 It's Alec! Looooove. Best actress in miniseries movie. More things I've never seen. Jessica Lange takes it for Gray Gardens. Huh. She looks a bit odd. Overdone plastic surgery around the eyes, perhaps? Okay, move it along, Jess. But then she shares a nice moment with Drew, who does the hands clasped together squinty-eye thing. She's adorable, isn't she?

6:37 Refill.

6:39 Isn't it cool that vodka doesn't freeze?

6:41 Already a little buzzed.

6:42 Kiefer and some girl. A commenter calls her Baby Cate Blanchett. I can see it. Another category I don't know anything about. Miniseries/movies. Gray Gardens takes it. Did anyone actually see this?

6:45 More miniseries. When will this be about shows I care about?

6:46 Oh no, it looks like the lady from Little Dorrit has repurposed a bridesmaid dress. Magenta, shiny and hideous. Who allowed this?

6:47 Variety? Oh, like SNL? Nice clip of Tin Fey doing Palin: I can see Russia from my house! Talk shows, The Daily Show etc. David Letterman's weird interview with Joaquin Phoenix. Okay, I get it. Wait, was that the inauguration? That's a variety show?

6:50 Who are these people? Oh, it's the guy from Roseanne. Yes, I know I'm old.

6:51 Is it the alcohol? What the hell is this award actually for?

6:53 Whoa! I ran over to Jezebel's live blog to see if they caught what the award was for and there nestled in the live blog was an announcement by blogger Tracie that she's pregnant! Congrats! But now I'm really lost. And drunk.

6:54 Emmy goes to team from The Daily Show. Not sure what the award is for, but always enjoy The Daily Show. Accepting the award is a contingent of short Jewish men.

7:02 We're back! It's Jimmy Fallon, I don't really like him. But he's mocking Auto Tune in a totally hilarious way. You can see the clip here. Category is music and lyrics. Yet another category I don't care about. Occurs to me that I could have tuned in for the last thirty minutes and seen all the categories I cared about. Oh, wait! It's Flight of the Conchords and Mother Lover from SNL. Mother Lover is totally going to win. Oh UPSET! Some song written for the Oscars won. Weak.

7:06 Ricky Gervais presenting for ... not sure. Steve Carrell doesn't laugh at the joke at his expense. Hm. The Daily Show wins for ... whatever this category is. The short Jews come up again. Jon Stewart is adorable. He lauds Neil Patrick Harris, who seems appreciative.

7:11 This is kinda boring. Must I drink more?

7:14 Hm, ad for a new show featuring Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth. Could be promising. Too bad I've lost the ability to watch network television.

7:16 Drama! NCIS, never seen it. House? Same show over and over. Mentalist? Not that good. CSI? Don't care. Law and Order? Formulaic. Grey's Anatomy? Melodrama. True Blood? Campy fun. Lost? Never seen it. I finally figure out this is not the nominees list. DUH. Here are LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell presenting for best supporting actor. John Slattery should win, hands down. Maybe the guy from Breaking Bad. Oh. It's Michael Emerson from Lost. He's super duper creepy.

7:21 Supporting actress in a drama. Dianne Wiest for In Treatment! That is a fantastically written and acted show. She should win this. She doesn't. It's Cherry Jones. She's a great actor so I grudgingly give her the Professional Critic stamp of approval.

7:24 Sarah MacLachlan sings to the dead people. When did Eartha Kitt die? Oh, the white guy from the Jeffersons! Ron Silver, didn't know that one. Paul Newman, wah!

7:27 Tracie from Jezebel not pregnant. She was just testing to see if anyone was reading. Sneaky.

7:32 Oh, poo. The fog is rolling in. Damn you, marine layer. Ad for Latisse, to grow longer, fuller, darker lashes. Ask your doctor if Latisee is right for you. Whatever.

7:33 Oh, it's vampire Bill from True Blood and that guy who used to be on Buffy and now on Bones. They tell us about the winners for the Creative Emmys. Seems to be about guest spots. Michael J. Fox won for Rescue Me. He was quite funny in the role of Janet's alcoholic paraplegic boyfriend. Ellen Burstyn looks like she's wearing my grandmother's livingroom curtains. But she rocks.

7:36 Writing award. I care about this, finally. Mad Men takes it! YES! The writing on this show is stellar. Matt Weiner gives encouragement to writers everywhere.

7:39 Simon Baker presenting for best actress in a drama. He's teh secks, is he not? Lots of good choices here, love Kyra in The Closer and Elizabeth Moss in Mad Men but Glenn Close takes it for Damages. I'm good with that. She spends lots of time acknowledging her co-nominees and the writers. Nice touch.

7:43 At the commercial break, realizing that I have yet to see a dress I covet. Also, that it's hard to eat pistachios and type. Sad about both.

7:49 Dana Delaney in unflattering glasses and a dress that doesn't fit her well but nice eggplant color. This is a great category, leading actor in a drama. Tons of contenders. Bryan Cranston takes it for the second year in a row for Breaking Bad! He is incredible in this role but I'm a little disappointed for Jon Hamm, who is just terrific as Don Draper.

7:52 Bob Newhart presenting for best comedy series. Many good choices here, though I would have to say that Weeds is no longer a comedy. 30 Rock takes it! This is a great show. Justice has been done.

7:57 Stephen Moyer, who plays vampire Bill on True Blood, has won Breakout Performance of the Year. This apparently has something to do with Vaseline Body Lotion. A more sober person will need to explain that to you.

8:00 Last category, best drama, presented by Sigourney Weaver. Of course I think Mad Men should win, since Dexter is really a comedy anyway. Mad Men takes it! Wahoo! Oh, January Jones, I think I might like your art deco-y dress. But where is Joan Holloway and all of her voluptuousness? I feel somewhat cheated.

The end, reader. That was kind of a snooze. I think I need to drink more, next time.


Anonymous said...

loved it. thanks melg.

Anonymous said...

Hey PC,
Thank you for posting the piece with Jimmy Fallon - I thought it was the best friggin part of the Grammy's! It looked liked Steve Carrell enjoyed it too...

Professional Critic said...

Agreed, Aliszh! The rest of it was a snooze.

You're most welcome, Anonymous!