Sunday, February 22, 2009

The 2009 Oscars LIVE Blog!

Reader, join me for the next fucking eternity three hours as I unleash my unique brand of ill-informed judgment on the 2009 Oscar nominees and their stylists. Hopefully this endeavor won't be as soul-sucking as the Super Bowl.

Joining me tonight are:

Liz: educated in costume design and therefore actually qualified to critique entire categories of these awards. Imagine that.
Karen: has actually seen most of these movies. See above.
Our gracious hosts, Seat and Pandy.

Despite the fact that I often forget to brush my hair and see no problem with wearing clothes the cats nested in the prior night, I really do like to look at purty Oscar fashions frocks and --

5:33 Oh snap! This shindig starts at 5:30, not 6. Whoops. Luckily it's just Hugh Jackman acting super gay.

5:37 Okay, ready for this to be over.

5:39 Kind of enjoying Hugh acting gay. Mickey with a gold tooth. Marisa's dress looks pretty, soft dove gray color. Check her out on the red carpet here. Meryl, your hair is not working for me at all. Great dress on Amy Adams but is she wearing a hubcap around her neck?

5:43 Why are they trotting out these ladies? Seat suggests a wrestle-off between them and Mickey Rourke. We bust out howling. It's really for best supporting actress. Tilda no! You look like you're wearing a barber's drape. Penny Cruz! She is stunning. Love that nude lipstick. Whoopi! You're killing me. But that animal print muumuu is a no-no. All the ladies are crying. I love this.

5:46 We agree that Goldie does not look age-appropriate. Seat worries that one or more boobs may pop out.

5:47 Penny wins! This looks like a wedding dress. Outrageous makeup job.

5:50 Karen shows us her new chocolate brown soft leather purse with rocking hardware. We approve.

5:53 Steve Martin and whoa Tina Fey glams it up Studio 54! Not sure how I feel about it. Don't like the side bun but nice cleavage.

5:55 This is for screenplay btw.

5:56 Milk wins. Look at how happy Sean Penn is. Writer Dustin Lance Black is so gaycute. Gus Van Sant is adorable. Everyone's crying, this is so heartfelt. Robin Wright Penn looks incredible. Liz asks, is this guy 16? He makes a big gay affirmation statement! Tell it brother!

5:59 Adapted screenplay. Doesn't Meryl look insanely scary in that austere bonnet? Frost/Nixon was amazing.

6:00 Slumdog wins. Didn't see it so I'll make fashion commentary. That is a nice suit, albeit a bit shiny. Indian man necklace? WTF?

6:03 Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black. Dress is okay, hair is cute but more beachy/casual than Oscars. They had to pan to Angelina and Brad, why? This is bigger than walking on the moon, says Karen.

6:05 This is all about animation, about which I care not a whit. But Seat and Pandy, as the parents of a youngsters, have seen most of them. Pandy liked Kung Fu Panda. It's Wall-E. A big nerd accepts. Don't like that shiny tie.

6:08 Best animated short. I don't care about this. Jack Black looks cute.

6:15 Holy boobies SJP! Great dress, though, tiny little waist. Daniel Craig, barely got a look at him since I was blinded by SJP's knockers. This is art direction btw. These guys are so boring, get off the effing stage already.

6:20 Costume design. It's The Duchess. Karen informs us that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. We all go, Really?? (10:01 Karen emails to correct: it's Nicole Ritchie who's knocked-up) Dude, your speech is boring too. Please stop talking now. Pandy suggests that maybe he's drunk. Karen wonders if he has gas pains. He is kind of hunched over the podium.

6:23 Seat suggests that if SJP took a deep breath, she would pop out of her gown. We agree and wait for it. Makeup now. It's Benjamin Button.

6:25 It's the vampire Edward! We agree the straps on Amanda Seyfred's dress need to go. Looks like she's going to prom. Liz says, "picture this dress without the straps on Penelope Cruz and it would be gorgeous." It's a montage about LOVE.

6:28 We take a break to eat Pandy's delicious chili and cornbread.

6:31 Or not. It's Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller mocking Joaquin Phoenix. She looks stunning in a pinky-purple gown. Pandy calls it "orchid," and we agree that is the right word. We're dying of laughter from how hard Ben is ripping on Joaquin. Nat says "you look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab." Ha! Slumdog again for cinematography.

6:39 Jessica Biel presents. Pandy says "it looks like she just rolled out of bed and wrapped a sheet around herself." Then she says, "look at her neck, it's all red. It looks like she just had sex." We agree, briefly debate sex flush v. beard burn, then eat more chili.

6:42 Seth Rogen looks so skinny! He and James Franco do the stoner thing. It's sorta funny. Don't understand. Am I stoned? It's short film, know nothing about this. Some German guy. We discuss the black tux with a black shirt. Karen says, looks like a waiter. We think the bow tie ruined it. The shirt is weirdly striped and too shiny. Thumbs down.

6:52 Hugh Jackman and Beyonce being cheesy beyond measure with a musical medley. Make it stop.

6:57 We all admire Beyonce's curves. I hated very second of this of medley. Seat says, Beyonce can do no wrong. Baz Luhrmann is freaking adorable.

7:03 Now they trot out some former best supporting actors. Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a robber's black ski hat? Annoying. Diane Lane looks fab. Love her. We speculate about the cause white ribbons represent. No one knows. Heath Ledger is a nominee. His family is there. Heath wins. Karen called it. His mom looks like she's wearing drapes. Is it wrong to say this? It may be. Family goes to the podium. His mom is incredibly young looking. It seems like they're giving them extra time. Cut to Angelina Jolie crying, beautifully.

7:11 Documentary. It's Bill Mahr in a sharkskin suit. The room agrees he can pull it off but I find it a bit shiny. There's a green ribbon on someone's lapel. We need a key to cause ribbon colors. It's Man on Wire.

7:18 Best doc short, Smile Pinky. Director seems genuinely happy and her dress has a cool back. Best speech of the night. Pandy and I agree that she must not have been expecting to win, or she would have put on some lipstick.

7:24 Special effects montage. Will Smith looks great. We like his lapel pin. Benjamin Button wins. I have not seen any of these. But you know what was a fun movie with special effects and smoking hot Gerard Butler? 300.

7:29 On to sound. I got a little lost in my Gerard Butler reverie. His thighs are insane. Dark Knight wins. Boring ass speech. As Karen says, "here's another crowd pleaser."

7:31 More sound? Mixing? Huh? I think all the blood ran out of my brain to digest chili. Mmmm, chili. The sound guys from Slumdog who won, are sweet.

7:34 Film editing. Slumdog wins. The actors are so excited in the audience. This guy has jewelry around his tie knot. Liz observes that he looks like Moby. Danny Boyle needs to powder his shine.

7:42 Eddie Murphy looking very sharp. Black on black is working here. The room is divided in appreciation of Jerry Lewis. Karen and I do not. Liz does. Pandy says he makes her anxious because he's always about to hurt himself. But he does good works, so we must be supportive. Standing O for him. He's 82! Obvs plastic surgery. He has barely a wrinkle.

7:50 Musical medley. We discuss Appalachian children. I guess there was some Dateline special about them? Children of the Mountain.

Alicia Keys in yet another orchid dress. Very, very pretty. The eye makeup is a touch over the top. With Zac Efron presenting best score, Slumdog wins. Then there's singing and dancing and I'm lost again. I've only had one glass of wine yet I cannot follow. I drift along in a pleasant fog. La la la la! There's a wardrobe malfunction with one of the dancers and we all get a look at her flesh colored adhesive bra.

8:01 Child of Seat and Pandy comes home. We discuss what her blog name should be, but come to no consensus. Freida Pinto's dress is a nightmare, sari meets 80s era mother of the bride, though she is lovely. Departures wins best foreign language film.

8:12 Queen Latifah serenades the dead. Forgot about Isaac Hayes. Ricardo Montalban! Paul Newman, wah!

8:19 Reese Witherspoon, NO! The dress is terrible with weird netting around the straps. So disappointing, as she often looks impeccable. Seat calls bad eye makeup immediately and we all agree. Cadaverous. Best director goes to Danny Boyle for Slumdog.

8:25 Former best actresses come out. Anne Hathaway is lauded sweetly by Shirley MacLaine. Kate Winslet, not loving the hair, but love her genuine self. Can't get a good look at the dress yet. Halle Berry has a killer dress. I have no idea who Melissa Leo is. Sophia Loren looks quite odd. Kid says, She scares me! We all laugh. Nicole Kidman lauds Angelina Jolie, who is wearing a planet-size emerald ring. Karen says of Nicole, a bird flew into the front of her dress. As usual, Nicole's face has been terrified into submission by Botox. Kate wins. She's charmingly breathless. But the dress is bad, as is the hair. We forgive, because we love her.

8:37 Former best actors come out. The lauding isn't quite as heartfelt. Robert DeNiro is cute with Sean Penn. Adrien Brody, the long ratty hair is NO GOOD. We like Richard Jenkins but no one here has seen The Visitor. Liz and I agree that Brad Pitt is just not a good actor. Ben Kingsley tells us about Mickey Rourke, who looks pretty tore up from the floor up. Sean Penn takes it. We clap. Best acceptance line EVER: You commie homo loving sons of guns! I did not expect this. Hilarity ensues. Sean Penn calls out the homophobes that voted for Prop 8. Crowd goes wild. Sean throws out sweet props to Mickey Rourke. We all wish he would have thanked his wife.

8:52 Best film. I want Frost/Nixon to win. Karen tells me it won't. She's right. Slumdog Millionaire again. We discuss the shut-out and speculate that maybe it's because it's the only feel-good movie in a depressing year. All the little slumdog kids go on the stage. Seat pretends to be Angelina, pointing out her next third world child on the stage. It's funny because it's true.

Thanks for stopping by, reader!

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