I, TOO, AM KING

Dear Sean Puffy John Diddy Daddy Combs:

Thank you THANK YOU for releasing your new "mini movie" in celebration of your new fragrance, I AM KING.

Yesterday had been the first really hard day of this most wonderful time of the year. Too many clerks cheerfully trilling "Happy Holidays," too many unpleasant thoughts and memories. I had to don soft pants and retreat to the couch.

And then I saw a commercial for your new fragrance I AM KING. It was so ludicrous, but so fleeting. I had to see more. Much to my delight I was able to find your movie on YouTube but then! You appeared on Ellen right before my very eyes so I paused the video to get some of you in the flesh. It was nice to see you actually smile since in all your print ads and commercials you're all I'm zo zexy and zerious and I must have my minions hold my umbrella.

I'm impressed that it takes you an hour and a half to get ready each day. Then again, eschewing the towel for air drying takes some time. Add the twenty minutes for outfit selection and that's got to be close to an hour already. But you're a multitasker, doing your push-ups and crunches while the air does its thing. Ellen rightly pointed out that it doesn't make a ton of sense to exercise after showering but that's just Diddy Daddy's way.

You lost me, and Ellen too, when she asked you about your baby girls. Your response? "... they're just like women. They manipulate you." Ellen then cut to a commercial.

So let's get to the movie, which Diddy Puff prefaces with, "I am debuting my new movie "I Am King" for my new fragrance "I Am King" which is available exclusively at Macy's. This fragrance is dedicated to Barack Obama, Muhammad Ali, Martin Luther King ..."

Think of the term "movie" in the loosest sense possible. "I am King" has no discernible plot, characters, or comprehensible dialog. Instead, think of it as they did back in the day, "moving pictures," a series of print ads put in motion, set to music.




Reader, are you thinking what I'm thinking? Shoo in for Oscar!

Don't think you can see comments with embedding, so let me fill you in. The word "douche" in all its forms was in heavy rotation. Here's a few choice tidbits:

"his ego is like beyond the earth itself"

"diddy been watching too much bad porno before making this..."

What a mess. Puffy Sean equates responsibility and manhood with cavorting on yachts with super breasty models, pouting, and wearing diamond earrings bigger than my thumb. I'm sure Barack Obama is delighted that he's equated the responsibility of running a country with that of riding a Jetski in a tuxedo. Yes, we can indeed.

But what I really have to say Piff Puff, is THANK YOU for making this holiday season a little more bearable. Keep it coming.

Love,
Professional Critic