Professional Critic, Vacation Edition: Day 3

Not only does this story stick with people, albeit in unpleasant ways, it also gives credence to the idea that truth is definitely stranger than fiction.

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Precious Moments
posted 8/28/07

It's been a while since I've posted and I'm sure that's a disappointment to my legions of reader. I hope this post makes up for it in some small way.

Today I stopped at Safeway to pick up some salsa and sour cream for my weekly dinner with The Mama. As I was walking through the produce aisle, something on the floor caught my eye. I looked down--it was some type of nude colored plastic object. A set of dismembered Barbie legs dropped by a child in the throes of a low blood sugar fit? No. I looked more closely. Oh my God. Is that what I think it is?

Readers, it was a butt plug--the sex toy designed with a flared end so that you can safely stick it up your ass without fear of an awkward ER visit at the end of the night. I was rattled as I stood in line at the checkout. Should I tell the cashier that there's a butt plug in the produce aisle? What do I say if she doesn't know what a butt plug is? Must I be the one to tell her?

I didn't tell her, so great was my desire to skulk off and enjoy a burrito. I just got in my car and drove away. But as I was driving, the question that was bound to emerge, did: how the hell did a butt plug end up in the produce aisle at Safeway? Did it fall out of someone's ass as they pored over the kiwis? That person must have been wearing a skirt and no underwear ... or no underwear and really loose fitting pants. Wouldn't you notice if a sex toy fell out of your butt in the grocery store? But if it did, would you stop, bend down, pick it up and toss it into your cart? What a dilemma. Would Mss Manners know how to handle such a delicate situation? Is this what is meant by the New Etiquette, since we no longer use finger bowls or wear mourning dress?

I did a quck scan of the book preview and there did not seem to be an entry on how to graciously retrieve your dirty sex toy from the grocery store floor. Maybe that will be addressed in the next edition.

But perhaps this somewhat jarring event is all right in line with the universe. As I was looking at the Good Vibes website to see if I could find a picture to illustrate aforementioned butt plug, I learned that August is Anal Sex Month. Who even knew there was such a thing? Our friend at Safeway. Enjoy!