Monday, July 14, 2008

Celebrity Trash Round-Up

This weekend I went camping with The Mama and that always means a few things: junk food, trashy magazines and beer. Junk food = Cheetos (classic, natch--no Flamin Hot for us), Twizzlers, Pringles and brownies. Beer was Coronitas, 7 ounce mini bottles for low-tolerance wusses like us, really perfect. And we still couldn't finish a 6 pack. Trashy magazines were In Touch, Life and Style and Star.

So! Now that I am fully up to speed let me update you on the hottest celebutrash. What you won't hear about is anyone I don't care about: Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey. Or people I don't even know or understand: anyone from High School Musical and Kim Kardashian

Big story #1 is already out of date. Angelina has already birthed her twins, Knox (ugh, like the gelatin) and Vivienne (like it).

Second big story is the Madonna - Guy - A-Rod triangle. First of all, A Rod appears to me a big homogay and not that good looking to boot, or maybe I just don't see the appeal. My take on this whole situation (because my opinion matters to Madonna), is that Madonna's giant ego, which causes her to adopt that psuedo British accent, needs someone like Guy to ground her and keep her from getting too big for her britches. I don't think A Rod can accomplish this and their collective egos could either cause much damage, or if correctly harnessed could provide the United States with a much needed alternative energy source. Madonna should stick with Guy. This infatuation with A Rod is flash in the pan.

In a side Madonna note, her estranged brother Christopher is writing a tell-all biography. Dishy.

Always lots of coverage on the latest Hollywood pregnancies and bebehs. Generally speaking, good for them, and aw, cute. I'll say this--buy them all the designer outfits you want J Lo, that won't change the fact that your twins look like their dad, but with the baby chub they don't resemble Skeletor quite as much. Though to be fair they do seem genuinely happy.

Lots of pictures of "lovebirds" Ellen and Portia. I like this. They get pictured with other hetero celeb couples and are no longer described as "openly lesbian" which is offensive. Portia is adorable and will be even more when she puts on a few pounds and loses the bobblehead.

Also lots of pics of Lindsay and Sam, who are "gal pals." Despite Sam giving Lindsay matching Cartier "Love" bracelets, they don't seem to be getting pegged as "lovebirds." Is it youth? That the relationship is new? Not sure, but stay tuned. I know you will.

Drew Barrymore and Justin Long broke up. The Mama had to explain to me who Justin Long was. So this doesn't quite pack an emotional punch, I have kind of warm feelings for Drew.

Britney's kids are supposedly more attached to the nanny than they are to her, which makes her sad.

Katie Holmes doesn't look very happy. Suri Cruise may or may not have functioning legs. It's hard to tell when she's only photographed being carried around by her parents.

Jessica Alba is stressing about losing her baby weight. Step on it girl, your baby is already a whole month old.

Tori Spelling lost all her baby weight in one month which doesn't change the fact that too much plastic surgery has made her face weirdly masklike and her boobs oddly puckered.

Happy Monday!


Anonymous said...

But do you think that Madonna and A-Rod had an affair?
ps. do you know anything about those hills people? they are always being written about, who are they? i care less about them than i do paris and nicole.
any bugs camping? did the baby go too?

Professional Critic said...

Lynchb, you know that post was for you. No, I don't think they had an affair but maybe she was drawn into his orbit of fabulosity and did some intriguing with him. I don't know a thing about The Hills except that they're always featured in trash mags.