Saturday, April 14, 2007

Act Now! This Offer Won't Last!

I would like to offer my services to those in need of sensitivity training. You don't know who you are, and that's okay. Not knowing that you're an insensitive clod is sadly just part of being insensitive. It's a vicious circle! But not to worry-- Professional Critic is here to help with my exclusive Sensitivity Seminar.

Now, I know that because you don't know you need it, you may not realize that I'm talking to you. So I'm going to give you a sneak preview of the Seminar, with real-life examples of shocking insensitivity and the new skills you can expect to gain from the Seminar.

To the recommended house-call vet that I did not hire to euthanize Miss Kitty:

You said: "You'll want to put her to sleep rght away."

Ooof, that's oafish! I am not sure that any pet owner is very eager to kill their beloved animal. How about, "No one that loves their animal wants to see them suffer. You're doing the right thing."

To the dirty-looking, sloppily-dressed man employed by the pet cemetary and crematorium* who came out to collect my dead cat wearing elbow-length industrial work gloves:

Yowza! This is so egregiously insensitive, the Seminar will need to utilize a multimedia approach with video clips from Six Feet Under. Note the suits, the hands clasped behind the backs, the quiet respectful demeanor, the sincerity with which they apologize for the loss. Great models for how to interact with the bereaved.

To the pet cemetary/crematorium owners:

After you straighten out your employee (see above), turn your eye to your front desk. Consider occasionally filing the large stack of receipts documenting the various boxes of Fluffy, Kiki, Marmalade, Cocoa, Socks, Ned, etc that animal owners have picked up over the years. Don't forget! It's not a Harry and David fruit basket they're signing for--it's the ashes of their dead pet. Ditto on the garbage cans overflowing with the baskets and blankets of other dead animals. You may want to ask your now neatly-dressed and respectful employee to empty these a bit more frequently.

I hope this sneak preview helps you see how you can benefit from the Sensitivity Seminar. Don't delay! This offer won't last as my patience may run out. Instead of understanding how awkward and difficult it can be to talk to the grief-stricken, I might just tell you to go fuck yourself instead.

*Though this place offers a unique service for animals in the Bay Area, they were shockingly unprofesssional. Please take my words to heart and make some changes. Pet owners will be most appreciative. Please don't further inflame my ill-will by suing me. Thank you.


loyalwareader said...

dear professional critic,

it is so generous of you to offer a sensitivity training to all those boobs that have no idea how grossly insensitive they really are. you and miss kitty deserve so much better treatment than that. if i didn't know that this really happened, i would think that their were hidden camera's behind the scenes saying "surprise you've been punked!" perhaps just another episode of 'punked' done in very poor taste would feel better than knowing that people act like this just because they can and don't know any better. so glad you are offering the training. they need you professional critic!!!

signed, loyal wa reader

Professional Critic said...

thanks loyal wa reader!