My Big, Fat Fred Flintstone Feet

Gah. I just cruised ebay looking for shoes and am feeling truly depressed. Which is much better than how I feel after visiting a shoe store, which is certain I'll need to go barefoot for the rest of my life and should probably give up my shoe-requiring office job and become a professional beach volleyball player. Those of you that know me well will know just how close to the brink of insanity I must feel because:

1) I don't like to be hot
2) I don't like to run
3) I protest the ridiculous bikinis female beach volleyball players are forced to wear/pick out of their butt cracks, while their male counterparts get to play in comfy trunks.

Why the angst, you ask? I have gigunda wide feet, which have only gotten wider over the years, not due to pregnancy or other weight gain but I think just due to genetics (thanks, Dad) and fallen arches (again, thanks Dad). If I ever do become pregnant, my feet will become completely square. I should probably adopt.

Men can stuff their big boaty feet into big boaty shoes and no one cares. Men's shoes typically come in widths to accommodate the various widths of men's feet, a revolutionary concept that hasn't made it to the women's shoe aisle--except of course for those scions of style, the Easy Spirit, certain types of fugly European shoes and Birkenstocks. Oh, and New Balance, who are one of the few companies to make sneakers in widths.

My recent ebay search (key word "wide" in my size, no other search criteria selected) yielded an awful lot of shoes that had the word "orthopedic" in the description. And it is true that after just a few hours in too narrow shoes I feel ready for orthopedics, except nothing is medically wrong with me.

You know, this reminds me of an article I read in People, favored news source, about a model who became anorexic in her quest to stay at model weight, i.e., frightening Nicole Richie style stick insect. Encouraged by her family and agent, she let herself gain 70 pounds and became a successful "plus size model." Her "plus size?" 12. Ah, the freakification of perfectly normal people.

Now I know that plenty of women's shoes are uncomfortable for all women. No one felt good in those insanely pointy toe-cleavage baring shoes that just had their moment in the sun. But in order for these shoes to be uncomfortable, you have to be able to get them onto your feet, something I am not able to accomplish. I cannot jam my flippers into most women's shoes so I don't even bother. In fact, I would rather shop for bathing suits, bras and jeans in the same trip than look for shoes.

Need I say more?