Professional Critic

On Sprouts and Dooce

2012-01-19T20:57:00.001-08:00

Reader, I am killing it with the oven-roasted brussels sprouts right now. My secret, which I will unsecret just for you: bacon fat. This is a better method than putting cooked bacon or pancetta in with the sprouts because the fat melts as they're cooking and just envelopes them in rich porky goodness. A little of this goes a long way--I use a few slugs of olive oil and then maybe a tablespoon of bacon fat doled out in pea-size dollops. Sprinkling of kosher salt, cook until browned and tender, with crispy bits and pieces. That's it. If you want to be fancy you can add shallots, garlic, sweet potatoes and carrots but just sprouts is great. So. Damn. Good.

I just did a key word search on my blog and discovered that I have written about some combination of brussels sprouts and pork products five times already! Which could lead you to conclude that I am either in the grips of early onset dementia or I know what I like and I like to tell you about it over and over. Okay, maybe a third revelation is possible--I continue to be amazed that a sprout, which I grew up eating steamed and therefore wanted to eat exactly NEVER, could be so delicious.

In an non-pork matter, I read today that Heather Armstrong of Dooce fame has separated from her husband. Both she and he wrote about it on their respective blogs. I was moved by his raw honesty of the sudden, harsh shift in his reality. Not that hers is so great either, chased by the dog of depression nipping at her heels, yet having the comfort and normalcy of her children, her animals, her home. There was something so painful in reading Jon Armstrong ask the internet to help him find a place to live, a place to work because of course, he can't work at their company, the one they built together, the one that is about them. Then through reading all of this, my unsettled feeling that their relationship or the unraveling of it is a private matter yet since they built their brand on chronicling the minutiae of their lives together, isn't private at all. The internet is weird.

Because I Take Your Procrastination Very, Very Seriously

2012-01-19T00:12:00.000-08:00

Reader, if you don't know who Ron Swanson is, may I suggest catching up on Parks and Recreation on Netflix? In one of the funniest episodes, Season 3's "The Fight," the office go to the Snakehole Lounge, where Tom is a part owner. To show their support of Tom's enterprise (involving the ever-delightful Jean-Ralphio) they indulge in a beverage called "Snake Juice." Hijinks ensue, the best of which can be seen here.

In a surprisingly horrible ad campaign, the Physicians Committee for Responsible Medicine have a bunch of utterly fatphobic billboards taking aim at cheese, of all things. They're apparently up in arms about childhood obesity and want schools to serve fewer dairy products. (Gets on soap box.) Really? We're sure that childhood obesity is caused by cheese, a whole food, and possibly the only whole food in a school lunch, and not by processed, frozen tater tots, pizza, corn dogs, and chicken nuggets? Or soda or food deserts or cuts to physical education? Are we sure it's the cheese? Really? Check out one irate parent's blog about the reality of school lunches.

Note: in the middle of this post, I paused for a cheese break--Gruyere and Havarti. Delicious!

Speaking of cheese, I guess you've all heard by now that Paula Deen was diagnosed with diabetes three years ago. Why is this news now, you ask? Great question! Because the woman who makes her livelihood shilling super fatty and insanely caloric food, who brought you the hamburger topped with bacon and a fried egg, nestled between two glazed donuts, disclosed her diabetes while announcing her new endorsement deal, shilling Novo Nordisk's diabetes drug Victoza. Which btw, terrible drug name. Her health is her business for sure, but something about the timing of this stinks to high heaven. fyi Serious Eats has a whole article series called "Paula Deen is Trying to Kill Us." Here you can find the recipe for deep fried butter you've been searching for.

A Fondness for Football and Margaret Cho

2012-01-14T00:46:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader. Tomorrow I am going on a silent meditation retreat which I am both happily anticipating and sort of dreading. I'm going to miss the Golden Globes and Downton, which means I'll have feelings of resentment and irritation to work with, in addition to overall technology/media withdrawal and potential overexposure to quinoa. Stay tuned for tales.

This weekend I am also going to miss all the football, le SOB. However, one of my favorite pieces of sports journalism this week has been Brian Moylan's coverage of this weekend's playoffs on Gawker. Be warned, it's pretty filthy but hilariously so. I would eagerly watch the Superbowl if Moylan was covering it. Someone please see to it.

Reader, do you like Margaret Cho? I think she's pretty righteous and boy howdy, is she pissed. She got a new tattoo and posted a picture of it on Twitter. When I first saw it I was concentrating on the artwork and didn't realize at first that it was her asscheek. So yeah, she posted a picture of her be-thonged butt on Twitter and as they do, the body-snarking trolls came out. Straw, meet the camel's back: she just let loose with an epic rage against the destructive power of body hatred directed toward girls and women. An excerpt:

Some outside facebook observer said that my “language” was too much and told me that I had “lost a fan” because she couldn’t condone my “language”. I am sorry for that, as I love my fans, and it sucks to lose one, but obviously she doesn’t understand that when you grow up the way that I did, with kids at school throwing rocks at my face because they hated it because it was so ugly to them and they wanted the blood from my wounds to cover it so it wouldn’t have to be seen and at summer camps stuffed dog shit in my sleeping bag because I was told time and again that I looked like shit – and that I had to empty myself in the dark forest and still sleep in smelling that shit all that night and for weeks after because my family was too poor to afford a new one, my “language” is on the strong side. I apologize for offending the former fan, but I am only myself. That is all I can be, and if I must apologize for that, I don’t mind. All I am trying to say is that no young girl should be told she is ugly. If she is, you kill her spirit, and she may grow up like me, and lose a fan.

Take a few minutes to read the whole post. Usually a "don't feed the trolls" attitude prevails online. Most times I'm inclined to agree but sometimes this is a fine option.

Downton, etc.

2012-01-09T22:09:00.000-08:00

Reader, last night was the Season Two premier of Downton Abbey and was I ever excited. But also distracted by the awesome live tweeting of Patton Oswalt. What is wrong with me, checking Twitter while watching TV? Media oversaturation at its worst! But I couldn't stop myself because Patton Oswalt's live tweeting of Downton was a wonder to behold. Recommend.

Mary's (played by the wonderful Michelle Dockery) dresses last night were fantastic. You can tell there's a war on since she wore one of them twice. THE HORROR. Anyway, fabulous dress #1 can be seen here, third from the top. Not a great picture but you get the idea. Swoon! The gorgeous red number you catch right at the beginning of this clip. Love. It.

While scouring interwebs for Downton pics n clips I'm realizing there are a lot of Season 2 spoilers out there, since the whole thing already aired in England. Trying to avoid them, although earlier today I glimpsed something I didn't want to know and now I can't un-know. Damn you, first-world internet problems!

In other urgent television news, Paul Rudd is going to be on Parks and Recreation. Gods be good! And wow, that phrase totally comes from Game of Thrones. When I cracked open my Kindle to check the wording of that phrase, I turned right to this passage:

Her loins still ached from the urgency of his lovemaking. It was a good ache. She could feel his seed within her. She prayed that it might quicken there ... She was not too old. She could give him another son."

Pretty much sums up what I can't stand about wench/m'lady/heaving bosom books in one short paragraph. Feh.

2012 All Bright and Shiny

2012-01-08T17:31:00.001-08:00

What it is reader! It's a new year and I still kvetch endlessly and watch a lot of TV. And kvetch about TV. Season 2 of Downton Abbey starts tonight and I am bananas excited about it. Have you seen Season 1 yet? You MUST! Lay in some supplies and power through all seven episodes in a row on Netflix. You'll be so glad you did. Who knew a PBS show about the aristocracy in England would become so damn popular? Read Salon's Irin Carmon's take on it here and former SF Chronicle TV critic Tim Goodman's (now writing for The Hollywood Reporter) review here. I'm in good company with my love for Downton.

On the literature front, I now own a Kindle, which is possibly the best $79 I have ever spent. Yes, the version with ads. Which are connected to my location but somehow not to my buying history on Amazon. Hence, the omnipresent ads for Mercedes of Oakland and various local body waxing emporiums. Talk about ad click-throughs that will never, ever happen.

I finally understand the difference between The Hunger Games and Game of Thrones, which I had been confusing for months. So not the same thing, but both worth reading. Admittedly Game of Thrones is not so much up my alley due to my well-documented dislike of fantasy. I won't lie, I skipped a lot of it. There's only so much swordplay, wench this, m'lady that that Professional Critic can take. But since each volume is seventy million pages it seems like I'm still getting the main points. I look forward to seeing it and catching the movie version of The Hunger Games, even though the trailers don't look super promising. I'm not sure if I'm feeling Jennifer Lawrence as Katniss but we shall see.

The Golden Globes are pretty soon but I'm not sure I'll be able to bring myself to watch this increasingly irrelevant awards show. Yes, my beloved Downton got many well-deserved nods, but American Horror Story? Is ridiculous (though Jessica Lange's nod is well-deserved.) Glee is simply terrible. No Nick Offerman? PAH, I spit on you, Golden Globes. But who am I kidding, I'll probably watch. So much kvetching fodder!

Live Blogging the Emmys

2011-09-18T18:29:00.000-07:00

And because the dresses are just as important as the awards, check out Emmy fashions here.

7:59 It's over! And it's raining gold confetti.

7:54 Best comedy, presented by Gwyneth Paltrow. Who isn't even funny. I hate what she's wearing. Hate. It. Parks and Recreation must win this. But no, Modern Family takes it. I like Modern Family but I don't think it reaches the daffy heights of P&R.

7:47 Maria Bello looking pretty and William Macy with shaggy hair and a scarf I can't even begin to comprehend. It's nominees for best drama and Mad Men takes it! Kiernan Shipka is adorable. Why does Christina Hendricks never look as good at events as she does on Mad Men? It mystifies me. I'm happy that MM won this but why didn't they win anything else? Odd.

7:45 Downton Abbey takes it for best miniseries/movie and I say SUPER. Watch it streaming here.

7:44 I despise every dress Jane Lynch has worn. Would it be so wrong for her to wear a suit? It would be so much better. Here's Don Cheadle, who rocks a suit like nobody's biz.

7:38 Kate Winslet wins some actress miniseries thing for Mildred Pierce. What's not to like about Kate Winslet? Plus, her boobs look fantastic, although I think the dress overall is a tad casual.

7:36 Claire Danes, I despise your shiny blue tinfoil dress. I just don't understand.

7:34 Okay, the guy was in Mildred Pierce and he's being a bit bawdy! Going on about inserting himself into Kate Winslet. She's laughing, didn't get a good look at her dress. She usually looks great.

7:32 Hm, another shiny forehead on whoever this lady is. It's Anna Torv. No idea who she is. This is supporting actor for miniseries and some guy with glasses whose name I didn't catch won for some show I didn't hear. I'm so informative. You're welcome!!!

7:30 Sweet Jesus, I am laughing so hard at commenter Kyle on Tim Goodman's blog:
"Every year, Leonard Cohen gets that much closer to finishing that time machine and unmaking that song." BWAHAHAHA. Second favorite part of the Emmys.

7:25 Tom Bosley died? Huh. Andy Whitfield, very sad.

7:22 Oy. This guy, the head of the Emmys, is awful. Time for the dead people montage.

Shit, it's Hallelujah by cheesy crooners. Who are they? I don't know or care. This is killing me. Put me in the montage.

7:18 Melissa McCarthy and Amy Poehler!! But bad dress on Amy. Not at all flattering. It's guys in miniseries. I only saw Luther and it was so-so despite the wonderful Idris Elba starring. The dude from the Kennedys won and I don't care.

Here comes directing for miniseries. Yikes, Melissa's dress is bad, too. What in the world happened in the styling world tonight? Downton Abbey takes it again. Can't wait for the second season!

7:17 Why do they still trot out the vote counting people? It's totally uninteresting.

7:11 I'm confused, we're still on miniseries/movies but now acting awards. Actress goes to Maggie Smith for Downton Abbey. Well-deserved--she was awesome. I'm kind of glad she wasn't there to collect her award from those Entourage dopes. Another weird pairing. Who makes these decisions? Some teenage intern who has never watched anything but Glee?

7:06 Miniseries/movie is always boring because I've never seen any of them. Oh wait! Downton Abbey was great! This will win, no doubt. Carlos I couldn't finish. SNAP! Jane Lynch disses on the cast of Entourage--citing them as the reason she's a lesbian. Priceless! Favorite part of the Emmys so far.

Downton Abbey takes it. This was fantastic, it's streaming on Netflix.

7:05 What the heck? This is unnecessary.

6:58 Best Actor in Drama. WOW, another Friday Night Lights Win. This is big. No Jon Hamm love? Hm. Kyle Chandler really was so good in that show. But Jon! I think he should have won but he'll have another chance. I guess that's the thinking.

6:57 Sweet Jesus, it's a Charlie's Angels line up. Cringey McCringerson. Though Minka Kelly really is something else.

6:55 Julianna Margulies takes best actress in drama. Her dress is weird and quite space-age ugly. What was her stylist thinking? Is that you Rachel Zoe? I do like Good Wife but Elizabeth Moss really needed to win this. Bummer.

6:54 Christ, where to start? Katie Holmes paired with Bryan Cranston? Why in the world would they put these two together? Why is she so shiny? None of her assistant Scientology flunkies had powder?

6:52 What is this fresh hell? These little bits are pointless. Going to feed the cats.

6:49 Getting excited for Breaking Bad tonight. Did BB get nominated for anything this year? For some reason I think no. Didn't do my homework today. Sorry reader.

6:43 Kerry Washington is so pretty and her dress is so hideous. This is my first good look at an Emmy dress and I am not happy. Ugh, this writing is the worst. How can a show celebrating television be written so poorly? Dear God.

Supporting Actor. Great choices here! John Slattery is great, both guys from Good Wife. Oh my goodness this is a tough race. I once saw Peter Dinklage in Whole Foods in NYC. And he wins! I may have to get over my hatred of fantasy elves unicorns etc to watch Game of Thrones. He thanks his dog walker! Love it.

6:42 Directing for a drama and I haven't seen any of these shows. Boardwalk Empire takes it. I have no feelings about that other than that something is not right about that Paz de la Huerta. I would watch any of these shows streaming on Netflix if they were available. You listening Netflix? Keep the good stuff coming.

6:40 Is that guy who got his arm chopped off by a helicopter on ER?

6:39 I watched seven minutes of the new Christina Applegate/Will Arnett show Up All Night. Unwatchable. So disappointed that Will still can't find the right show after last season's stinky Running Wilde.

6:37 I admit that I keep wanting to put an apostrophe in Emmys. Stopping myself, as it is wrong.

6:35 I'm on media overload. I'm watching the show, blogging and watching Tim Goodman's live blog--check it out here. He's the best.

6:32 Ashton, I don't like your hair one bit. Best Supporting Actress in Drama. Some good choices here...Oh, I do love Margo Martindale, but I don't like Justified. She was great in The Riches. Available on Netflix streaming, reader. As is Breaking Bad! This feels like an upset. But a good one, I think.

6:31 Maybe I do feel a little bad. Med Men is some seriously good writing. Hm.

6:29 Late to the party but just in time for the writing awards! Mad Men, wooHoo! Jane Lynch that is a BAD DRESS. Oh! Friday Night Lights takes it! This was a great show. I can't feel bad about it.

Breaking Bad, Apostrophes

2011-08-23T21:18:00.001-07:00

[Spoiler alert!] Reader, it's getting harder to watch Breaking Bad. Not because of the increasingly ruthless chicken truck-jacking scenes (eating the dead driver's lunch while the guards suffocate, so brutal), but because of Walt's near-complete transformation from mild-mannered narcissist into delusional raging asshole. Mike is standing out as the show's anti-hero hero, and I wouldn't mind seeing a bit more of Saul. As Walt falls farther down the rabbit hole of wanna-be gangsterism, moments of levity are hard to come by.

Apparently I missed International Apostrophe Day, but no matter! In Professional Critic's book, every day is International Apostrophe day! In honor of the hallowed day, blogger Sam Tanner tweeted this: An apostrophe is the difference between a business that knows its shit and a business that knows it's shit

So full of win! Reader, I would like a poster of this. And even better, I just spent 15 minutes on this apostrophe tutorial and enjoyed myself thoroughly! Yes, I am a dork, thanks for asking.

I Like TV As Much as the Next Gal, But C'mon

2011-07-19T22:16:00.001-07:00

Like the other 23 million Netflix subscribers out there, I wasn't pleased to receive their recent email announcing a substantial rate hike without simultaneous improvement to the generally meh streaming library. However, I was taken aback by the intensity of the massive public outcry against what amounted to an additional five dollars a month. A slap in the face? A betrayal? Strong language for a modest bump in the entirely non-essential entertainment budget line. Only days before, the California State University system announced a 12% tuition hike that hardly received any coverage. Priorities? Yes, we have them and our future idiot workforce will be our proof.

Apropos of nothing, I am loving on Martha Plimpton so hard right now. She was just nominated for her role on the very funny Raising Hope and her Twitter feed is freaking fantastic. Yes to follow!

And here is Stephen Colbert, responding to a recent and thoroughly eye-rolly advertising campaign in the only sane way one can (probably NSFW):

The Colbert Report
Get More: Colbert Report Full Episodes,Political Humor & Satire Blog,Video Archive

Sunday Round Up

2011-07-17T20:57:00.000-07:00

A thrills and chills kind of weekend here at Chez PC. By thrills I mean mowing through platters of house-made salumi and pate with my favorite meat-eating pal at Adesso. The creamiest, smoothest, most happiness-making chicken liver pate, a duck version with cherries and pistachio nuts that was swoon-worthy. So tasty, so decadent. If I was the kind of a person who juice-fasted I would do it now but instead I just ate some ice cream. Thank God I'm not that kind of person because AmeriCone Dream is fucking delicious.

In chills was today's soccer/futbol World Cup. I refuse to call it the Women's World Cup because the men's game isn't called the Men's World Cup. Soundly rejecting the notion that the default for sports is men's just as I soundly reject the equally hideous "male nurse." It was a suspenseful game but as dejected as the Americans looked at the end, we all know Japan could really use a win.

KY Intense ads are playing incessantly on Hulu. It is bugging me that they are referring to a woman's orgasm as "her big moment." Winning a Nobel Peace Prize or being elected president of the United States would be a big moment, but an orgasm? I get that we have to find coy ways of saying orgasm because for some reason we can't say orgasm on television. This will all get worked out when Michelle Bachmann gets elected and outlaws pleasure.

Wilfred is an American remake of an Australian show in which the main character Ryan sees Wilfred as a crude pot-smoking man in a dog suit but everyone else sees an actual dog. It's hilarious. Elijah Wood is perfectly cast in this role, much to my relief erasing my memory of him as Frodo in that awful, ridiculous, endless fantasy torture-fest my friends made me watch. You know who you are.

Breaking Bad, Season 4. Can. Not. Wait!

Extreme Rain, Extreme Couponing

2011-06-04T11:27:00.000-07:00

Item 1: This fucking rain. Enough. Already.

Item 2: Extreme Couponing. I grew up with a coupon-clipping mom who took the Sunday ritual of rifling through the circulars seriously. Scissors in hand, she would file coupons into her blue alphabetized accordion file which we were not to touch except to retrieve for her en route to the grocery store.

Extreme Couponing is nothing like this. The goal of extreme couponers is not to save a little on things you need this week but to pay as little as possible for as much as possible, whether or not you need it or can possibly use it within this millennium. Extreme Couponers strategically apply coupons, rebates and grocery store discount cards for things they don't need like bags of Nerds and fistfuls of Mentos to apply savings to things that they do need, like cases of soda, valu-paks of hot dogs and pallets of instant mashed potatoes. The goal of every Extreme Couponer is two-fold: to walk away from the grocery store with hundreds of dollars worth of items for less than $50 (less is ideal) and to grow their stockpile--a beloved collection of neatly arranged items warehoused in spare rooms, closets and garages. This show is like Hoarders cross-pollinated with off-the-grid survivalists with a sprinkling of Oprah fairy dust. The sheer determination and organization of these women made me wonder why they weren't applying their prodigious talents running global businesses instead of amassing bottles of Febreeze and Olay Body Wash, but that question is beyond the scope of this ranty post.

Item 3: The FDA issued new eating guidelines last week to address the growing obesity epidemic, called MyPlate.

Pretty straightforward, right? Much easier to look at how your plate is divided than to figure out how much 3 ounces of meat is or how many green beans are in a half cup. If you've even watched ten minutes of Extreme Couponing you'll know that no one on that show is filling half their grocery carts with fruits and vegetables and the most prominent grocery item featured on the show is soda, nowhere to be seen on MyPlate.

Check out nutritionist and food activist Marion Nestle's reaction to MyPlate but if you're not feeling clicky here's a hint of what might need to change to ensure all Americans have access to affordable fruits and vegetables to cover half their plates:

This Mother's Day, Make Every Mother Count

2011-05-03T20:55:00.000-07:00

A mind-boggling statistic: across the globe, a woman dies every 90 seconds from complications related to pregnancy or childbirth. 90% of these deaths are preventable. Lest you think maternal mortality is just a problem in the developing world, think again: the US ranks an abysmal 50 of 171 countries reporting data, behind every other developed nation.

Think that's a problem? So did Christy Turlington. Spurred into action by her own childbirth complication, which was easily addressed in the New York hospital where she gave birth but is worldwide the leading cause of maternal death, Turlington followed the lives of four pregnant women across the globe for a documentary called No Woman, No Cry and created a companion organization, Every Mother Counts. Watch Christy Turlington describe her mission on Charlie Rose.

This Mother's Day, make every mother count. Donate your old phone to be recycled for a health care worker, buy the Every Mother Counts CD at Starbucks, watch the film No Woman, No Cry on the Oprah Winfrey Network May 7th.

Mail Order Mystery

2011-04-23T13:22:00.001-07:00

Reader, I thought the era of mail order catalogs had ended. Victoria had long since figured out I wasn't buying her Secrets. I happily purchase Pottery Barn's beautiful floral linens--on ebay (Sophia duvet cover. Love. It.) Mailing catalogs is expensive and in the time of online shopping, pointless.

But last week a catalog appeared in my mailbox from a company called Ashro. On the cover was a middle-aged African-American woman decked out in an Easter-egg purple peplum suit and a tall brimmed, trimmed hat that looked like an Ascot matron had collided with Patti Labelle's circa 80s hair. Another mail delivery fail, I assumed. But no, it was addressed to me, with an urgent message that I order today or this would be my FINAL CATALOG.

The vaguely threatening language was enough to pique my curiosity, so I leafed through the collection of clothing, shoes and wigs to see if there was anything of interest. In moments, it became quickly and abundantly clear that I am not the demographic Ashro is after. Although Ashro carries an impressive selection of caftans--and there is definitely a caftan in my future--all those yards of polyester sounded too sweaty and staticky.

So I guess this will be my FINAL CATALOG. But I did learn how to measure my head for a wig, so that's something.

Tuesday Round Up: Weirdness, Hanna

2011-04-18T21:23:00.000-07:00

Today has been full of weird happenings, reader. It started with a neighbor pounding on my door at the crack of dawn to tell me he found a wallet in the garage so if anyone was looking for it, he had given it to another neighbor to hold. Who, when I told the building super later, turns out to be out of the country for the past month so this is not possible. Was it a dream? I remember holding Gus, flailing in my arms, desperate to win my neighbor's love. I remember that I wasn't wearing any pants. I remember having the thought that it may not have been the best decision, answering the door with no pants on, but I thought it was the super telling me the building was burning down or something equally urgent. The mystery remains unsolved; hopefully this is the end of any somnambulist tendencies.

This afternoon we had 3.8 earthquake, which isn't huge but definitely noticeable, especially on the 105th anniversary of the 1906 Big One. I was in a meeting and said, 'oh we're having an earthquake' and my coworker said, 'we are?' Her whole office was shaking and rattling but she didn't feel a thing. Later, as I drove over the seismically unsound Bay Bridge I tried not to think about it but failed, of course. Why o why is it taking them so damn long to fix it? JUST FIX IT ALREADY.

The girls and I went to see Hanna over the weekend. Roger Ebert called it a first rate thriller and we were all like: zzzz. Although visually arresting, particularly the opening sequence and early forest scenes with Hanna (the stunning Saoirse Ronan, whose name I still don't know how to pronounce) and her father (Eric Bana, looking great), and with a great Chemical Brothers soundtrack, there just wasn't much there there. Cate Blanchett couldn't decide whether to play an evil Brit or an evil Southerner, so she did both to jarring effect. Halfway through the movie I stopped caring; even the sight of Bana in his skivvies couldn't bring me back. I'm not sure that I would even recommend this as a sick day movie.

Happy Passover, Jews and Friends of Jews!

Pat Tillman

2011-04-14T20:07:00.000-07:00

I reluctantly wrapped up the first season of The Walking Dead, leaving the post-zombie apocalypse world to find my next Netflix offering: The Tillman Story. On the surface, reader, this was a queue management fail but I persevered. There was nothing else to watch.

I knew the Pat Tillman story had something to do with the war in Iraq. However, I think I may have been conflating the Tillman family with the Sheehan family. My lack of sports knowledge is entirely to blame. It truly is a cultural handicap for which I require a reasonable accommodation.

Both the Sheehans and the Tillmans are from California. Each had sons killed in war in 2004: Casey Sheehan in Iraq and Pat Tillman in Afghanistan. The mothers of each man were spurred into action following their deaths; the similarities end there.

After Casey Sheehan was killed by enemy fire in Iraq, his mother Cindy subsequently became an outspoken critic of the war and of Bush's and later Obama's foreign and military policies. In 2008, Sheehan launched an unsuccessful bid for Congress in California, although she captured 16% of the vote, which is really pretty good considering she ran against Nancy Pelosi.

If you're anyone other than me, you already know who Pat Tillman was, but humor me: Pat Tillman was a football player for the Arizona Cardinals who famously turned down a $3.6 million contract to enlist in the Army with his brother Kevin shortly after September 11th.

The documentary, directed by Amir Bar-Lev, describes Tillman as disillusioned with the war after his first deployment in Iraq but returned for his second deployment to Afghanistan, where he was killed by friendly fire. This is not what the Army first reported to the family. In fact, as the movie unfolds, it becomes clear that the Army went to great lengths to cover up this incident, then try to cover up their cover-up.

On the one hand, I get it. The country's most famous soldier, a poster boy for patriotism and sacrifice for country, has been killed by another American with no enemy combatants in sight. What a shit show. Yet, this is one of the things that can and does happen during a war. Based on interviews in the film, I bet the Tillmans would have had a lot more respect had the Army simply acknowledged the terrible reality of these kinds of deaths that are part of war. But no, they suppressed the truth and tried to cover it up despite the event being witnessed by a fellow soldier who has consistently maintained what happened that day. I mean my god, if you're really intending to cover-up, then cover up! Kill all the witnesses! It's like the toddler who 'hides' by covering their eyes with their hands.

It gets worse. When responding to the Tillman family-encouraged government investigation of what happened and why, the responses from military leaders were all essentially variations on "I didn't get the memo" that Tillman had been killed by friendly fire.

Really! It makes total sense that when Tillman enlisted, Donald Fucking Rumsfeld sent him a personal thank you letter, but when Tillman was killed by fratricide, Rumsfeld didn't find out. At least not right away. Actually he's not sure when he found out. The memo may have been sent to the wrong office or misfiled by some incompetent clerk. Sure! I believe that! It's so hard to find good help.

The movie doesn't address the question of whether Tillman was actually assassinated. This is odd, because the circumstances surrounding his death are rather questionable--there was no sign of enemies according to the witness, no evidence of enemy gunfire, so what exactly prompted the other Americans to start shooting?

There are lots of articles on interwebs positing that this is exactly what happened. In addition to the lack of the cue for the shooting, Army medical examiners felt the bullet holes in Tillman's head did not support the story as relayed, but rather pointed to a closer-range shooting. Could the Army have been so worried that Tillman, their celebrity soldier who was disillusioned and not afraid to say so, would publicly tarnish the war that they decided to have him killed? I think I need to entertain the possibility.

Weepy Wednesday

2011-04-12T20:15:00.000-07:00

Oh, reader. The political shit show in this country rolls on, so my love of Twitter was in full flower last night as I caught the developing hashtag #NotIntendedToBeAFactualStatement.

Does this phrase ring a bell? No? Allow me to enlighten: it's the response given by his office when idiot Senator Jon Kyl was called out on his Senate floor claim that abortion is "well over 90 percent of what Planned Parenthood does," when it's really 3%.

REALLY? Lying and then avoiding responsibility for lying is behavior a nursery school wouldn't tolerate. What choice did Stephen Colbert have but to launch a Twitter attack, which naturally the Twitterverse picked up gleefully?

Some of my favorites from Colbert:
Jon Kyl was sent from the future to kill Sarah Conner.
Jon Kyl developed his own line of hair care products just so he could test them on bunnies.
Jon Kyl can unhinge his jaw like a python to swallow small rodents whole.

Wait, there's more!! Some dingalings on Fox and Friends tried to convince their audience that the services offered at Planned Parenthood like breast exams and pap smears could be obtained at your neighborhood Walgreens. The normally poker-faced Colbert could barely keep it together for this absurd turn of reality:

Jesus wept. Here's a balm for your weary soul: Cute Roulette! Like Chat Roulette without the penises!

Shutdown Distraction

2011-04-08T09:50:00.000-07:00

Reader, we're teetering on the edge of a total government shutdown, which somehow in a universe unlike the one I live in, has something to do with abortion. I despise the devolution of politics in this country. Yes, that is a word. I wasn't sure myself.

Clearly I need a bit of distraction from this insanity, so here's a media round-up. In no particular order:

Body of Proof: I've always liked Dana Delaney since China Beach. Remember that show, fellow old people? Delaney's got a great combination of intensity, toughness and vulnerability. Plus, she's super hot. Although she has worked consistently since then, I don't know that she has ever found the right vehicle for her talents. Unfortunately her new show, Body of Proof isn't that vehicle either. Basically House with a lady, with some minor adjustments not even worth mentioning, Body of Proof is eye-rollingly predictable in every possible way: dialogue, characters, plot. Not unlike most network television, but we want more for Dana. I hold hope that the right show will come her way; since Hollywood has so much to offer women over 50, it should be any minute now.

The Walking Dead: I caught the pilot of this zombie show on Hulu a few months back and unexpectedly loved it. I've just finished the first disc of season 1 (pilot plus 3 episodes) and I continue to be transfixed. Suspenseful, scary, creepy, gruesome and sort of funny at the same time, The Walking Dead is the zombie show you never knew you'd like. A great show can absolutely transcend one's general lack of caring about the subject matter: see Friday Night Lights. AMC knocking it out the park these days: Breaking Bad, Mad Men and now this. A veritable trifecta of television awesomeness.

Burlesque: I have so little to say about this movie, I can't even summon full sentences: Christina Aguilera, small-town girl with big pipes and Pussy Cat Doll moves to LA. Cher, struggling club owner. Her best gay friend, Stanley Tucci. Bitchy alcoholic lead dancer, some girl whose name I can't be bothered to look up but you'll recognize her. Power struggle. Aguilera belts and warbles. Boobs. Bling. Trowel-applied make up. Some guy. Love. Triumph over adversity. Zzz.

Twitter: Though I joined in 2008, it wasn't until a few weeks ago when I started following a bunch of people that I got the point of this social networking. At times it is much like overhearing snippets of conversations that you don't understand. However, I am especially enjoying prolific Tweeters Roger Ebert, Mindy Kaling, Stephen Colbert and Jezebel writer Irin Carmon.

The New York Times Paywall: I was a daily reader of nytimes.com as well as a daily user of their iphone app. In the new, post-paywall world, this would cost $3.75 a week. To add iPad or other tablet access to the mix, it's $8.75 a week. Will this be successful? Or will people find so many ways to subvert the paywall (apparently easy to do, Google away) or simply go to other sites for news that they give up, as they did a few years back with their short-lived 2007 paywall experiment? Stay tuned.

Census Results Don't Lend Themselves to Twitter, Damnit

2011-03-29T21:39:00.000-07:00

It has become abundantly clear that I am in fact one of these lazy people for whom 140 characters is sufficiently challenging. However 140 characters isn't enough space to write about some of the data coming out of the 2010 Census so here we go.

There are a number of great places to nerd out with the Census data. This interactive map tracking population change was fun. Michigan was the only state to have lost population since the last Census. Maine saw their African American population grow 1.2%, which somehow represented a 132% increase. I guess there aren't many black folks in Maine. The only state that grew more than 25% was Nevada, but whatever for? Cheap housing and a deep love for Cher?

The American Fact Finder is a somewhat confusing tool to look at Census data that data dorks would probably like. I used this tool to discover that my city, Oakland, has 390,724 people. This seemed low to me and in fact Oakland did experience an overall 2% population decline, as well as a whopping 25% decrease in the African-American population.

California experienced all of its growth in the inland regions, because that's where you can buy a house if you don't have a frazillion dollars. And yet, these are the very same regions with bananas levels of foreclosures.

Nationwide, the suburbs are growing more quickly than urban areas. I guess we knew that. But the suburbs often suck. This was not part of the Census and just the opinion of Professional Critic. However, it is commonly known that there is nothing to do in the suburbs except drive to The Olive Garden for the bottomless bucket of bread sticks.

You'll Fume, But Will Be Glad You Did

2011-03-22T21:05:00.000-07:00

Reader, I put off seeing Inside Job, the Academy Award-winning documentary about the financial crisis, for a long time knowing it would make me blood boilingly, teeth gnashingly cra-zay. However this weekend I broke down, largely because I forgot to keep moving it to the bottom of my Netflix queue, it subsequently appeared in my mailbox and I didn't think I could stomach the guilt of returning it unwatched.

So yes, it was just as I imagined it would be--awful, maddening, heart-breaking, but excellent. Director Charles Ferguson did a great job of breaking down all the contributing factors that led to the entirely foreseeable and totally preventable shit storm, with a minimum of Michael Moore-style inflammatory shennanigans.

Here's Ferguson, on why he made the film and why you should watch it, despite the good possibility that you'll be thrown into a state of rageful despair:

On an unrelated note, last week the Associated Press officially dropped the hyphen in 'e-mail' in their style book. I guess this was kind of a big deal.

Finally, A Use for Twitter I Can Support

2011-03-19T21:17:00.000-07:00

Reader, Monday is World Poetry Day as well as the fifth anniversary of Twitter. To celebrate, post your Twitter poetry or follow other "twaikus" at #poetweet. So much better than reading the inane feuds of semi-literate celebrities.

Respite

2011-03-16T21:36:00.000-07:00

Sometimes, it's a good idea to take a break from bad news. Here's a handful of sweet, happy videos-- the grapefruit sorbet of the internet between courses of earthquake, tsunami, nuclear crisis, fucking morons and even bigger morons. Enjoy!

I don't know if this a PR ploy to make Facebook's Mark Zuckerberg more likable, but it's working. Beast, the new Puli puppy belonging to Zuckerberg and his girlfriend, is freaking adorable.

Emergency Preparedness

2011-03-15T22:31:00.000-07:00

As a Bay Area resident and a friend of Disaster Girl, I have emergency preparedness on my radar. Having it on my radar did not equal actually having any emergency supplies however; it wasn't until last year that I had a proper emergency kit.

Fast forward one year. The gigantic triple disaster on the other side of the Pacific feels like the right sign to check the kit. Water is fine, since it doesn't actually expire despite what it may say. Most of the canned food is expired. The peanut butter and juice boxes, too. Will that kill me or just taste bad? Better safe than sorry. I'm sure the dry cat food is stale. I throw a few pieces on the floor. They eat it. I better swap it out, though--if I wait another year it might become rancid and it would be just like them to go on an ill-timed hunger strike.

I pulled out everything that already did or was about to expire and put it out on my counter as a visual reminder to replace. Then I made a list in my phone of all the items needing replacing, plus a reminder to put some cash in the kit already. Very important and something I keep forgetting to do. Finally, I went online and bought one of these hand crank/solar radios/weather thingie cell phone chargers.

This all makes me feel a tiny bit better, and I try not to think of all the things this kit cannot help with: giant tsunami, the seismically unsound Bay Bridge, nuclear meltdown. Etc.

Thoughts with the People of Japan

2011-03-14T21:34:00.000-07:00

The threat of a nuclear meltdown in Japan looms large tonight while the country struggles to find remaining survivors and recover the dead, who are washing ashore in horrible waves. It's difficult to comprehend this level of terror and trauma, let alone know what to do with it, when there is very little to do.

It can be helpful to do a lovingkindness or metta meditation and dedicate the merit of your practice to the people of Japan.

May all beings be happy and peaceful.
May all beings be safe and protected.
May all beings be free of suffering.
May all beings be at ease.

Technology for Good

2011-03-13T22:42:00.000-07:00

The devastation unfolding in Japan is terrifying and heart breaking. For those looking for information about a missing person or those that have information to share, Google set up a Person Finder, a simple online message board. For those looking to help, here are some options.

Two Entirely Unrelated Items

2011-02-01T19:50:00.000-08:00

Reader, I am new to running, as in running for exercise and one thing that keeps me running instead of collapsing in agony is this. Not a giant rolling pin to make the world biggest chicken pot pie, but a foam roller. A giant cylinder of dense styrofoam over which you roll yourself to stretch out the IT (Iliotibial) band like so. The IT band is a thick band of tissue that runs from your hip to your knee and by God that thing can hurt. Most physical therapy websites say something mild like, "You may experience some soreness." Honestly? The first time I did this, there were tears. Tears! But the foam roller is a life changer.

Apropos of nothing, what is the story with Paz de la Huerta? I know she's on Boardwalk Empire, a show I have not yet seen but suddenly she's all over interwebs, looking rather disheveled, falling out of her top and though I hate to age-snark, also looking much older than her 26 years.

Ah. This article from New York magazine explains clearly why Paz is everywhere. Paz is an insufferable, attention-seeking mess. Bleargh.

Sorry I ended this post on such a downer! Here's a cool version of Michael Jackson's Smooth Criminal:

Golden Globes: Recap

2011-01-16T23:24:00.000-08:00

That red carpet was a fucking disaster. A few rays of light in the fashion darkness:

Dianna Agron looked stunning, as she usually does. Pulls off the fair skin, blond hair, champagne dress beautifully.

Though I would have preferred another color, navy maybe, Claire Danes was a knockout in her simple yet elegant column dress.

Kyra Sedgwick looked lovely in a gauzy orange gown. What can I say? I sort of love her.

I am heartily sick of the one shouldered gown but Mila Kunis looked fantastic.

And though many, indeed most dresses were quite bad, here are some of the worst offenders:

Natalie Portman, you usually look so pretty. Has your unborn child sucked all the style out of you? I can otherwise make no sense of this cheap looking fabric, the flower trying to beat your baby to breastfeeding, and your awful, tacky shoes.

January Jones, between this 'dress' fashioned from Band Aids and your nude Versace ads I feel like a baby seal being clubbed over the head--I GET IT, YOU'RE SEXY.

Michelle Williams: Just no. NO.

Music Monday: The Smiths

2011-01-16T09:54:00.000-08:00

Reader, as a long time Smiths fan I was intrigued to learn about Janice Whaley's The Smiths Project. San Jose-based Whaley has recorded all 71 Smiths song, using only her voice, within the span of one year. Each song has between 30 and 50 vocal layers to recreate the lush, much beloved Smiths sounds. So far my favorite of the bunch is Jean:

You can read more about Whaley in a Chronicle profile.

Some iPhone Competition for AT+T?

2011-01-08T11:57:00.000-08:00

Rumors have swirled before, but this time it sounds like it could be the real thing! Can Professional Critic finally say goodbye to shiteous AT+T while keeping the much beloved iPhone? Fingers crossed.

Music Monday on the First Sunday

2011-01-02T10:22:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader. Thanks to the Mama, a clump of my brain cells is saturated with Willow Smith's godawful Whip My Hair. How do I exterminate this evil earworm? Huff spray paint? Hit the crack pipe? I'LL DO IT.

Thankfully, all I need to do is listen to Jimmy Fallon's genius Neil Young-style cover. This is a song I could have looping through my noggin, no problem:

In the past few months I've seen Nicki Minaj all over interwebs and print media. Over the holidays the Mama and I investigated this Trinidadian hip hop artist to see what all the fuss was about. We started with Your Love. By second 38 we had both heard enough of the whiny, Auto-Tuned ballad. We proceeded to Right Through Me, whose opening "movie" was laden with so much cringe-inducing dialogue and "acting" we almost didn't make it past second 12 to the start of the music, which sadly did nothing to improve our opinion of Ms. Minaj.

At this point we were both totally stumped why Nicki Minaj was famous as a hip hop artist as there was no hip hop in sight, just a pile of steaming cheese. But we gave her one last try with Massive Attack:

Yes, the video is utterly redonk, but I thought the song was pretty good and on this last point the Mama and I finally agreed: Nicki has a pretty impressive ass.

2010: A Look Back

2011-01-01T10:01:00.000-08:00

Dodai Stewart from Jezebel said it better than I ever could in her post entitled: Fuck You, 2010. From the beginning to the very end, 2010 never ceased to deliver truckloads of shit sandwiches. So long, 2010. I won't miss your relentless cruelty one bit.

Music Monday on Sunday Making Up For Saturday

2010-11-28T21:23:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader. As you may have noticed, I missed a day of posting yesterday, putting an end to my streak. Then I discovered that le kittehs had disconnected the wireless during a bout of feline frenzy. All is well now and I will make up for the missed post with a Music Monday on Sunday Making Up For Saturday!

Here's what I've been listening to:

Moby, Natural Blues. I just love this. It's very simple yet maddeningly catchy and soulful, comprised largely of this lyric line:

Oh lordy, trouble so hard
don't nobody know my troubles but God

(This isn't the actual video. I don't like it at all, so you're getting a wacky You Tube creation.)

I've been listening to Under a Blood Red Sky a lot, U2's live album from 1983. I have been listening to it since 1983, so ... 27 years? JESUS GOD. I AM FUCKING OLD.

One of my favorites is Party Girl. This is the best version of this song so I am very happy to have found it on teh interwebz:

Here's 40:

And from 1983's War, Seconds

Here my music journey took an interesting turn. I discovered that U2 had covered The Righteous Brother's Unchained Melody, which is a great song, but alas, U2's version was not at all good, so no video for you. Then I saw an Elvis version, which also wasn't good, sadly, so I let go of it. Then I encountered Suspicious Minds, which is a goody. Here's Elvis in his full-on white fringed jumpsuit and bloat, but still kicking ass and taking names:

We can't leave out the excellent cover by The Fine Young Cannibals!

Of course that's Jimmy Somerville's falsetto in the background. His band The Communards later covered disco megahit Don't Leave Me This Way:

Which was originally sung by Thelma Houston, aunt of Whitney and owner of a mad set of pipes:

And this was one of my mother's favorite songs. Enjoy, reader!

Turkeydaze

2010-11-26T08:09:00.000-08:00

Reader, I thought I would be writing a scathing commentary about the incessant marketing of "Black Friday" and "Cyber Monday." How we can't possibly allow our gratitude to spill over into the day after Thanksgiving because what we really care about is stuff. Cheap stuff.

But then I encountered this clip and thought, this is disgusting. What in the world did black folks ever to do Sandra Lee?

Thanks Giving

2010-11-25T08:20:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader. On this day of giving thanks, I'm grateful for this breath, this moment.

Wednesday Winefest

2010-11-24T09:44:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader! I've just come off a Napa drunkfest with out of town visitors. My liver sort of hurts and the very idea of wine makes me feel a little queasy but let's not dwell on such unpleasantness and instead revel in grapey-ness.

Of the seven wineries we visited, my hands down favorite was Robert Biale. Known for their Zinfandels, they also had a great Sangiovese and other yummy reds that we enjoyed on the patio basking under heat lamps while chatting with the warm and knowledgeable staff. Tasting at Biale is by appointment only, as it turns out all the newer wineries are now per Napa County requirements.

Tasting room views:

Music Monday Meets Confessional Tuesday

2010-11-23T09:35:00.000-08:00

Reader, I'm coming out of the closet.

I like some of the music of John Mayer.

Whew. That's a relief. It's no longer a dirty little secret between me and Pandora.

I know, I KNOW! He has said some of the douchiest things in recent pop star history. He should never allow himself to be interviewed, twittered or facebooked. Music and music only!

Bear with me, reader. Live is the only way to go here. Live, the whiff of cheese emitted by his studio work dissipates.

Two of my favorites:

Monday Reflections

2010-11-22T08:53:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader! Check out today's post over at Second Life.

Saturday Pause for Poetry

2010-11-20T09:43:00.000-08:00

Reader, I heard Garrison Keillor read this on NPRs The Writer's Almanac while driving to work this morning.

Diagnosis

by Sharon Olds

By the time I was six months old, she knew something
was wrong with me. I got looks on my face
she had not seen on any child
in the family, or the extended family,
or the neighborhood. My mother took me in
to the pediatrician with the kind hands,
a doctor with a name like a suit size for a wheel:
Hub Long. My mom did not tell him
what she thought in truth, that I was Possessed.
It was just these strange looks on my face—
he held me, and conversed with me,
chatting as one does with a baby, and my mother
said, She’s doing it now! Look!
She’s doing it now! and the doctor said,
What your daughter has
is called a sense
of humor. Ohhh, she said, and took me
back to the house where that sense would be tested
and found to be incurable.

I assumed this would be a serious poem about a serious illness but it turned out to be not at all like that, but still sad, then funny, then sad.

Cuteness Friday

2010-11-19T09:41:00.000-08:00

Reader, I exhausted myself with yesterday's post on the demise of the Paycheck Fairness Act, so this will be short and so, so sweet:

TGIF!

The Rise and Fall of the Paycheck Fairness Act

2010-11-18T20:50:00.000-08:00

Reader, I had not even heard of the Paycheck Fairness Act until a few days ago. Unfortunately, the bill which passed in the House of Representatives in January of 2009 was shot down by the Senate Wednesday.

Why are we still fretting about gender income disparity in 2010? This is a non-issue, right? Reader, brace yourself for this nugget of sadness:

The American Civil Liberties Union supports S.182, citing the fact that 2008 data from the United States Census Bureau showed that women earned 77 cents for each dollar earned by a man, while the corresponding ratios were 61 cents for African-American women and 52 cents for Hispanic women as compared to wages of white males.

Head, meet desk. How can it be that the gender income gap is still so large?

But, wait! We can explain these numbers, reader! It's because ladies make individual choices of flexible, family friendly work, which is naturally worth less because raising the next generation of workers is not important. Don't even get me started on how ridiculous this justification is, but it turns out the "individual choices" theory isn't even true:

From Newsweek:

Consider this survey from Catalyst, which found that female M.B.A.s who’ve made exactly the “right” life choices—no intention to have children, top-tier schools, high aspirations—still earn $4,600 less per year in their first jobs out of business school. Or U.S. Department of Education data, which separated pay by job sector to determine that whether women who go into teaching or business, social work or science—and before they’ve had the chance to cripple themselves by “life choices” (these are young, childless women we’re talking about)—they will still make roughly 20 percent less than the men they work with.

If you are interested in the history of pay disparity in the US and you've taken your blood pressure pill, you can read more here.

Reader, I've got lots of bones to pick with the President, but I couldn't be more aligned with his message on Wednesday:

I am deeply disappointed that a minority of Senators have prevented the Paycheck Fairness Act from finally being brought up for a debate and receiving a vote. This bill passed in the House almost two years ago; today, it had 58 votes to move forward, the support of the majority of Senate, and the support of the majority of Americans. As we emerge from one of the worst recessions in history, this bill would ensure that American women and their families aren’t bringing home smaller paychecks because of discrimination. It also helps businesses that pay equal wages as they struggle to compete against discriminatory competition. But a partisan minority of Senators blocked this commonsense law. Despite today’s vote, my Administration will continue to fight for a woman’s right to equal pay for equal work.

Can I get an amen?

The Royal Wedding, Plus

2010-11-17T09:25:00.000-08:00

November is a long month, reader.

So William and Kate are getting engaged. Frankly, this pair is a bit of a snore so I won't be making room in my cupboard for the commemorative mug but I am looking forward to seeing the dress. Kate, please don't disappoint.

I guess Facebook thinks they don't claim enough of our time. They've just announced a messaging service so they can no doubt mine more of our personal information and compromise more of our privacy. Why yes, I did just see The Social Network! Terrific writing (screenplay by Aaron Sorkin, as evidenced by rapid fire dialogue), wonderfully acted, especially Jessie Eisenberg as Mark Zucker. Where did this kid come from? He's like a Michael Cera with gravitas. Trailer for you:

Wait, Whut?

2010-11-16T10:37:00.000-08:00

Reader, interesting news is afoot. Read on:

Jessica Simpson has announced her engagement to some football player she's been dating for seven months. A week after her ex Nick Lachey announced his engagement to his girlfriend Vanessa something or other. I get no pleasure in predicting there will be no wedding for Jessica.

As suspected since he resigned as Obama's chief of staff, Rahm Emanuel finally announced that he is indeed running for mayor of Chicago. I don't get this move at all. Any politically minded reader care to 'splain?

Please go look at the stunning creations of one Tex Saverio. He appears to be the heir of Alexander McQueen, may he rest in peace. Btw: highlight of a recent trip to Vegas was a visit to the Alexander McQueen store at the Wynn.

Gwyneth Paltrow sang "Country Strong" from her upcoming movie of the same name at the CMAs and it was real boring. No link for you, reader. Trust. Here she is guesting on Glee with "Forget You." Also boring. This whole paragraph is boring.

Music Monday: Too Old, Too White? Maybe Both.

2010-11-15T09:45:00.000-08:00

Reader, I continue to be perplexed by the ongoing use of the phrases "say my name" and "what's my name" in hip hop and pop music. I get the sexual context, but what of it? Say my name because I'm not sure you remember it? Say my name cause I own you in this moment? Urban Dictionary entry for "say my name:"

a phrase that's usually said when you're having sex. boosts ego and stimulation and expressing that the sexual activity feels great. it can either be said by the passive, the active or both partners.
yes, baby yes! uhhhh! oh! say my name! say my name!

Huh.

Rihanna has a new song, What's My Name, which might as well be called, "Saints Be Praised! I'm Getting Properly Laid!"

Really, Rihanna? That dopey looking whiny rapping Drake? This is the guy that knows how to work your body? He looks like he can scarcely breathe with his mouth closed, but ok. These things can be hard to understand from an outsider's perspective. I do like her hair quite a bit--she looks like an ass-kicking cartoon super hero. And that mesh hair bow is very Madonna Borderline, no?

And For Something Different

2010-11-14T10:33:00.000-08:00

Reader, for today's BloPo, pop on over to Second Life.

Let's Hope This is a Hoax

2010-11-13T10:47:00.000-08:00

Reader, did clothing retailers learn nothing from the Gap logo redesign debacle?

Maybe not. Urban Outfitters just unveiled their logo that looks a lot like what you designed for your junior high literary magazine. In 1993.

What. The. Heck?

Another Celeb Couple Calls It Quits, Plus

2010-11-12T10:36:00.000-08:00

Oh, reader. I'm no better than US Weekly with my gossipy ways. However, I will make a commitment to never broadcast anyone's cellulite. There's a standard for you.

Moving right along. The incredibly talented and gorgeous Rachel Weisz and her husband director Darren Aronfsky have split after nine years of marriage. Can it be true that she's with Daniel Craig? He seems too old for her. Nope, I'm wrong. He's 42 to her 40 but check him out. Weathered, no?

I'm not sure why gay rumors have been swirling around Jake Gyllenhall for years. Is it solely because he played a gay cowboy in Brokeback Mountain? Interwebs search yields one Austin Nichols, actor and friend of Gyllenhalls's since high school and prime suspect boyfriend. Here they are at a Lakers game. If they are together, they are unbearably cute. I would pick this guy over Taylor Swift any day of the week.

Reader, if a train wreck had a wreck with another train wreck, it would be a lot like Married to Rock, the new reality tv show on E! about rock star wives. Wreckiest of all is Josie Stevens, wife of Steve Stevens. What can I say? My jaw dropped the moment she hit the screen ad pretty much never closed. Here's a clip for your viewing torture.

Troubling Fashion Trend: Spats

2010-11-11T10:15:00.000-08:00

Reader, while perusing a Garnet Hill catalog I saw two pairs of boots that made me go 'hmm.'

There's something about the second pair that's kind of zexy but I think it's the corset-style lacing rather than the spat effect. I'm cosigning the tan suede as the black ones just read as professional dom, don't you think?

What the hell is the point of spats, anyway? I thought they were originally supposed to keep your shoes and lower part of your pants protected from all the horse poop in the streets back in the day but I can find nothing to support this theory. I guess they're just decorative. MJ sports gangsta spats in the Smooth Criminal video. Great dancing in this video btw.

I'm inclined to thumbs down this shoe trend. What say you, reader?

Friday Night Lights

2010-11-10T10:15:00.000-08:00

What it is reader! Do you watch Friday Night Lights? I know, you don't. And I totally, totally understand why. Football? Texas? Who cares? Me, either.

Or so I thought. Urged on by my very favorite TV critic Tim Goodman and my very favorite football fan, The Mama, I took the plunge. And was immediately hooked. Hooked! This show is about a marriage and life in a small town. It is smartly written and terrifically acted. And just got canceled due to poor ratings. Don't let that stop you--this is the same viewing audience that garners Charlie Sheen over a million dollars for each episode of Two and a Half Men.

Tami and Eric Taylor just may be my very favorite TV couple. I guess others feel the same way--while trying to find a You Tube clip that captures their thoughtful, loving, sexy awesomeness, I unearthed tons of clip reels Tami/Eric fans had compiled, set to cheesy music. Now that's fandom! Here's a quick taste:

Also worth mentioning: this show is extremely wholesome. No cursing, violence or depicted sex. However lots of sex implied, largely involving crazy-sexy-alcoholic-with a-heart-of-gold Tim Riggins, played superbly by Taylor Kitsch, and Lyla Garrity, the impossibly gorgeous Minka Kelly, recently named Esquire's Sexiest Woman Alive. Who am I to disagree?

Internet Gems: Call and Response

2010-11-09T10:15:00.000-08:00

Reader, I love me some interwebs. And I love that people grace the interwebs with gems like this:

And this:

And this:

Sexism to Conquer Homophobia? I Think Not.

2010-11-08T10:15:00.001-08:00

Reader, sigh. Like every other thoughtful progressive person, I am in favor of repealing Don't Ask, Don't Tell. It's discriminatory. It's reactionary. Oh, and active military members aren't supporting it, either:

“Service members said the most important factors for unit cohesion and readiness were the quality of their officers, training, and equipment,’’ said Laura Miller, a military sociologist at the RAND Corporation, a private research group that has long advised the Pentagon, which conducted the study along with the University of Florida. “Serving with another service member who was gay or lesbian was not a significant factor that affected unit cohesion or readiness to fight.’’

Can I get a DUH!? So why did Dan Choi, poster child of the DADT repeal movement, decide to invoke sexism to battle homophobia by calling Harry Reid "a pussy [who] bleeds once a month" in a recent Village Voice profile?

The Service Women's Action Network (SWAN) quickly called out this dumbass move in an open letter to Choi, excerpted below:

Your comments about women are irresponsible, indefensible and inexcusable, and you should publicly acknowledge that fact. As a human rights advocate, you should know that degrading one group of people to promote the rights of another disserves everyone. Your sexist comments also undermine SWAN”s efforts to achieve our policy objectives, which include promoting equality for all servicemembers.

As an organization that advocates for equal opportunity for all servicemembers and veterans, SWAN is keenly aware that there is still a tremendous amount of misogyny both within the military and the LGBTQ community, and that misogynistic and homophobic language is rampant in the military.

Comments denigrating women's bodies, or suggesting that simply being a woman is abhorrent, are unacceptable. Unfortunately, this type of language is all too familiar to women in the military.

As a direct result of misogynistic language, a hostile work environment for servicewomen–both heterosexual and lesbian–is allowed to thrive. Hate crimes, sexual harassment, lesbian-baiting, gay-bashing and sexual assault have flourished. Adopting and promulgating hate-filled speech against women only serves to increase the danger that servicewomen and LGBTQ servicemembers face on a daily basis.

Choi issued an apology via Twitter. Which is also lame. C'mon Choi, get it together. Because in 2007 women made up less than 20 percent of the Army and Air Force, but accounted for nearly half of DADT’s discharges.

My mind remains boggled that still, STILL! the very worst thing you can call a man is a woman.

Fail.

National Blog Posting Month

2010-11-07T12:11:00.000-08:00

Started seven days ago! But who's counting? The main thing is, I clearly, desperately need external motivation to post anything on this fucking blog. And I have found it in NaBloPoMo! I think. Let's see how I do--2008 was the last time I attempted to Blo everyday.

Today's topic is a question, reader: why is it when I am cozy in bed, Gussie purringly wedged in the crook of my arm, that this kind of seemingly edenic snuggle reverie invariably ends with Gus attempting to gnaw on my skull?

Whoopsie!

2010-09-26T14:36:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! As you can see, I keep forgetting that I have a blog to which I should occasionally post. So here I am to talk with you about an all-important topic: new fall shows. There are so many! Are any of them worth watching? Read on!

Outsourced: Did you see this movie? Cute-ish and watchable, perfect for a feverish/dozing sick day at home, it was better than the series pilot. Do all the Indian characters have to be so clownish? Why did the show have to throw in a white Australian woman as the love interest? Could the main character not have fallen in love with an Indian woman, as happened in the movie? Maybe they will surprise us but I won't be there to see it. Thumbs down.

Running Wilde: Reader, being a huge Arrested Development fan, I had some hopes for this show, despite my fear that it would suck. And suck it did, mightily. Keri Russell simply isn't a comedic actor, the dialogue is dumb and all of the Arrested Development conventions like the voice-over narrator and recycled dialogue, just feel forced. I want to give this a thumbs down, but my loyalty to AD will give it another begrudging try.

Detroit 1-8-7: Standard police procedural: moody detective with demons in the closet. A no-nonsense African-American boss-lady. Coworkers that find him mysterious and prickly but damn, he's good at his job. Sorry, Michael Imperioli, I adored you as Christafuh Moltisanti in The Sopranos but your new show illustrates all too painfully what a difference good writing makes. You definitely deserve your own show; I'm sorry this one isn't better. Thumbs down.

Raising Hope: This show has a somewhat shocking and crude premise, but I ended up laughing a lot. Lots of great folks in this one: Martha Plimpton, Cloris Leachman (whose shtick got old pretty quick) as her batty mother. Deadwood fans will recognize Garret Dillahunt as the dad, and burgeoning love interest Shannon Woodward who was terrific as daughter Di Di on The Riches. I will see where this goes.

And that's as far as I got with the new fall shows. I simply couldn't bring myself to watch the new Jimmy Smits vehicle, Outlaw, nor did I care about The Event, a Lost do-over. How about you, reader? What's on your watch list this fall?

Live Blogging the Emmys

2010-08-29T19:02:00.000-07:00

7:04 pm What it is, reader! As promised, I totally forgot until now to tune into the Emmys. I've just dropped into streaming and it's George Clooney looking dapper, but I am not sure what he's on about.

7:05 Uh, is this even The Emmys? It's like movie miniseries, I guess. Oh yeah, I saw part of that movie about Temple Grandin. Claire Danes did a good job in it. Oh, and that show about Kervorkian, which I did want to see. Lord, I haven't seen any of these things. OH GOD, January Jones, I HATE THAT DRESS! Judy Jetson goes to the prom. And you're annoying.

7:07 I like that Julia Ormond although that dress is also a thumbs down. She looks like she's being attacked by a rogue envelope. I don't like John Krasinksi in a bow tie one little bit.

7:09 I'm bored and going to go out for a run. Catch you later, reader.

7:14 Still here just to mention that Claire Danes looks pretty but that doesn't change the fact that her shilling Latisse is completely weird.

8:02 Back. I ran for 25 minutes, personal best for Professional Critic!. What happened to the live stream? Hmm. Are the Emmys over already? Checking to see if I can find another stream, the one from Chile went bye bye.

8:08 Here it is, voiced over in Spanish. Sophia Vergara looks terrific. Did I spell that right? There's some little bit about whether funny is sexy, which duh.Modern Family is winning something. I find this show so-so but they seem psyched to have won. Good on them.

8:13 Stephen Colbert! Love. He's presenting best supporting actress in a comedy. Tough competition but Jane Lynch takes it, and deserves it. She's hilarious in Glee. I'm not sure if this is sexist or transphobic or what the hell the word is, but I don't love seeing Jane Lynch in a dress. I want her to rock a suit, because she totally, totally would. I am going to seize this break to clean up because I am dripping sweat. That's how HARDCORE Professional Critic is.

8:19 And we're back. Is Lauren Graham wearing a toga? Huh. No likey. This is best guest actor in a comedy and it's Betty White for her SNL appearance and Neil Patrick Harris when he was on Glee. Okay. They're rolling right into director for comedy and it's Ryan Murphy for Glee--who also directed Nip/Tuck and Eat Pray Love. He is nothing if not hard working. Wait, he's thanking Tom Ford? Whatever for? Confused. He dedicates it to his teachers, which is awesome of him. Heartwarming!

8:26 I'm lost here. Modern Family and George Clooney? Wha? Oh, I LOVE how they say LL Cool J in Spanish! El-Lay El-Lay! Best actor in a comedy. Monk is still on? Oh, upset! Who is Jim Parsons? Is he 14? I have never heard of nor seen Big Bang Theory. Natch, I think Alec should have won this.

8:35 It's Neil Patrick Harris, who always looks so classy. It's lead actress in a comedy. Why is Tina mouthing "asshole number 3?" Oh, no. Edie Falco did not have this coming. And she agrees! She says, "This is the most ridiculous thing that's ever happened to me! I'm not funny!" It should have been Amy Poehler. The second season of Parks and Rec was outstanding.

8:38 Was that Kim Kardashian singing with Jimmy? I need to see that dress again. It looked goddess-y and could have been good. But Kim kind of looks good in everything. She has the most rocking bod ever. And here it is. Not sure. What do you think?

8:39 I don't care about reality TV so I'm taking a dinner break.

8:40 Keri Russell, that dress does not fit you up top at all! Pretty color, though. The show you are doing with Will Arnett looks like it's going to be bad. Sorry I have nothing nice to say, Keri Russell.

8:44 Back with dinner, but what in the sam hell is going on? It's some montage. Oh, I can think of something nice to say about Keri Russell! I liked her short hair from Felicity a hundred years ago. Which reminds me! You know who else cut her hair off and looks freaking fantastic? Emma Watson, the girl who plays Hermione in the Harry Potter movies. Very Mia Farrow pixie, adorable.

8:47 On to the dramas. Oh lord, Grey's Anatomy is the worst! This better not win anything. Law and Order? Is this a joke? Mad Men, better. The Good Wife is decent. Wait, are all these nominees? That can't be right. I have never seen Lost. Oh, I get it, just a drama overview. Okay, what is the Emmys fascination with Mariska Hargitay? She seems like a lovely person but her acting is pretty rote. Never seen Friday Night Lights but I should. I will admit that it's about football is a giant turnoff. Should I get over it? It's Mad Men for best director! It's a great show. Matt Weiner is such a giant dork. Love.

8:55 Best support actor, drama. This better be Aaron Paul though John Slattery is also fantastic as Roger Sterling. Yay!! Aaron Paul takes it and very correctly gives mad props to the insanely good writing and directing. Bryan Cranston looks so proud and teary. Srsly reader, if you haven't seen Breaking Bad yet, you are missing out. This is right up there with The Wire and Deadwood.

9:04 We're back. Jimmy Fallon blathering on. I don't really like him. Too much smirking at his own jokes. It's best supporting actress in a drama, oh no, two Mad Men ladies up against each other. WHAT? Archie Panjabi for The Good Wife? Oh, the injustice. Mad Men SNUB! Archie is stunning, however. Wasn't she in Bend it Like Beckham a thousand years ago?

9:08 Edie Falco presenting. I do love her even though she did NOT deserve her win AT ALL. This is best actor in a drama. Stiff competition--Mad Men, Dexter and Breaking Bad. Oh, so weird that Dexter is married to his show-sister. Forgot about that. Bryan Cranston takes it!

Breaking Bad sweeps actor awards! I think this might be his third year in a row taking best actor. Is that his wife in the yellow? She's not going to be very happy when she watches tape of this and sees her boobs falling out of that dress. Bryan also gives props to creator Vince Gilligan, who absolutely deserves it. Actually, he should win something. Maybe he did, while I was out.

9:19 Recommending the Salty Dog Chocolate Bar by B.T. McElrath. Dark choc with toffee pieces and sea salt. Yumzo. Okay, where the hell is the damn Emmy stream? I am ready to be done with this so I can take a shower. I do not smell good. It's just commercial after commercial, en espanol. No entiendo.

Okay, guest actress. Ooh wee, Sissy Spacek was excellent in Big Love! I don't understand this category. Some of these actors were regulars, what makes them "guests?" Well, John Lithgow takes it for his turn on Dexter as the something or other killer. Trinity? And Ann Maraget for I don't know what. I'm going to take this opportunity to say that whoever the presenter is, she looks pretty but her dress is a little boring.

Oh, are these writers? The episode "One Minute" from Season 3 of Breaking Bad was such a freaking nail biter! I was screaming. It's Steve Shill for Dexter for the win. Oh, it's directing. I can feel good about this. Dexter is a really good show.

9:31 Is this the montage for dead people? No, dead shows. It's Jimmy as Elton at a coral piano wearing a suit made out of grandma wallpaper singing about the end of 24. Do not care. Tuning out to the rest of this bit.

Doing some googling during the break. Vince Gilligan hasn't been nominated for anything since 2008. Now that's some effed up shizz right there. Right there!

9:40 Jimmy Fallon is channeling Ricardo Montebaln in that white suit. Kyra Sedgewick takes Best Actress in a drama for The Closer. I do like that show and I think she is perfect in the role. However the competition here overall is somewhat uninspiring.

On to variety. Which sounds like Donny and Marie or the Sonny and Cher Show. This category is kind of a mishmash. I don't want to see awards shows nominated in other awards shows. It's too self-referential. And the Emmy goes to the Tonys ... bleargh.

10:06 Yikes, lost the stream. Found another one but it looks like George Clooney again and movie-mini series. Professional Critic is denied. But here's the opening which made me like Jon Hamm even more, if that's possible.

The Emmys Plus Cuteness

2010-08-26T22:33:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! The Emmys are this Sunday. Maybe I'll live blog but more than likely I'll totally forget and spend the evening watching clips of animal antics on the internuts (see below). But I did take a gander at the nominees and my word, there are a lot of categories. And so specific! "Outstanding Makeup for a Single-Camera Series (Non-Prosthetic)" ... zzzzz.

But, all we care about are maybe eight of the zillion categories, and of those eight I care most about three: best actor in a drama, best supporting actor in a drama and best drama. And those winners should be respectively: Bryan Cranston in Breaking Bad, Aaron Paul in Breaking Bad and dammit, Breaking Bad.

Breaking Bad is the only show that I have paid to download from iTunes because I. Just. Can't. Wait. For slow-ass Netflix. I absolutely do love me some Mad Men but Breaking Bad had me on the edge of my seat so many times this season, literally screaming at the television. Incredible acting, writing and directing. Reader, you watch now, yes? It's only three seasons in. As long as you have a good support team to feed and hydrate you, thirty-six hours of riveting television in one weekend is totally doable.

And last but certainly not least: best buds dolphin and doggie frolic in the bay.. Wah! So sweet. I die.

Two Things That Made Me Laugh Hard

2010-08-02T21:05:00.000-07:00

ONE

From Photoshop Disasters:

Part Tyranosaur, Is She?

Put your arm between your knees. No, not your huge arm, your tiny arm.

"No, not your huge arm, your tiny arm." I cackled all day about that.

I know from watching far too many episodes of America's Next Top Model that the broken doll pose can give the appearance of deformity but still. Cackled.

TWO
This clip of Stephen Colbert and Andy Cohen of Bravo re-enacting a fight between Bethenny and Kelly from The Real Housewives of New York City:

The Colbert Report

Mon - Thurs 11:30pm / 10:30c

Andy Cohen

www.colbertnation.com

Colbert Report Full Episodes

2010 Election

Fox News

Easily amused.

Professional Critic's Media Picks

2010-07-18T16:01:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! Here are some of my recent media picks:

The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo. I started but didn't finish the popular book by the late Stieg Larsson, and too bad, because this was a thoroughly captivating thriller, albeit a bit violent. Fantastic chemistry between Michael Nyqvist and Noomi Rapace, so more to look forward to, as this is part one of a trilogy. The second book, The Girl Who Played with Fire, is in theaters now. This is in Swedish with English subtitles so be warned this isn't multitasking friendly.

Also in theaters now is a surprisingly enjoyable documentary, Joan Rivers: A Piece of Work. I had somewhat unkindly relegated Joan Rivers into the plastic surgery freak/has-been category but at 77 (and with more energy than you can imagine) she is very much back in the game, and hilariously funny.

Another documentary recommendation, The Great Happiness Space, about Japanese host boys, who are paid astonishing sums to entertain wealthy women. This movie takes unexpected twists and turns; at a brief 75 minutes, definitely worth a look.

My only exposure to comedian Louis CK was in his turn playing cop boyfriend to Leslie Knope on Parks and Recreation. His great character was written out of the show, but for a good reason--he now has his own show on FX called Louie. Here's a clip:

Enjoy, reader!

"You Can't Tell Me I'm Not Giving You Hot Pants"

2010-07-06T23:34:00.001-07:00

What it is, reader! I've just launched a new blog called Second Life. Go on over there and check it out.

I'll still be posting here at Professional Critic. I know you have procrastination needs during the workday and I take that seriously, trust.

To celebrate the arrival of the fourth season of Mad Men, here's a montage of seduction scenes to make your pants hot:

For me, Duck at 2:06 takes it. Enjoy!

Professional Critic Brings You the Best of the Interwebs

2010-07-05T19:05:00.000-07:00

What it is reader! Winding down a great weekend with lots of friends, sun, gorgeous scenery, cheese and icy Sauvignon Blanc from Tin Barn.

Just cause I like you, here's what has the interwebs a-buzzing: a video of Sarah Palin at the American Amusement Machine Association's International Bowl Expo, whatever the hell that is, with some fully erect shmo.

And yet, it is still Sarah Palin that causes me to cringe. Interesting.

The Second Part of Life

2010-06-23T22:10:00.000-07:00

Blog comments aren't typically a place one finds pearls of wisdom but I saw one today to share with with you, reader.

Today Gawker featured an article about Captain Phil's ultimately fatal stroke, televised on the reality series The Deadliest Catch. Apparently, this was handled surprisingly tastefully and viewers were moved by the experience of watching events unfold on the screen with the awareness that Phil did not live.

In response to this episode, Gawker commenter Meercat wrote:

The world is divided into two parts. There is the first part where you haven't lost a husband, parent, child, close friend - and the second part where you have.

This division captures not only the rift you experience from yourself, your old self before loss, but also the separation you experience from those who are in the first part of life.

Layers of loneliness in the second part of life.

Too Good Not to Post

2010-06-08T21:57:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader. Today I learned of a new must have ladies' garment as seen on Jezebel. It's the Camelflage, underwear that erase any hints of the pushy labia lurking under your pants. Camelflage, the "original visual privacy undergament."

Who needs Camelflage? According to their website, this woman:

Because the only problem with wearing skin-tight white pants is camel toe. Right?

As I perused the Camelflage website, I was instantly reminded of last month's Vanity Fair, whose cover story featured a portrait of the world's most famous soccer (yes, yes: football) players, their prominently displayed junk straining against tiny nylon football panties.

This was no Ken-doll bulge, reader. You'll have to trust me on this one since Vanity Fair online doesn't show all the photos. I felt like I had stumbled onto gay porn. No worries about "smoothing over" man parts, or being the man "everyone is laughing at behind your back." Sigh.

Hippos, Lesbos and Gizmodos

2010-06-07T22:08:00.000-07:00

Reader, my LORD.

Check out the rest of the baby hippo pictures from Zoo Antwerp here.

I wonder if that hippo babe looks so happy and well adjusted because he has two moms? If this study has anything to say about it, maybe so. No doubt this will send "family values" folks into a right tizz.

Confession: I have no idea who Justin Bieber is.

Apparently Alanis Morisette got married to rapper Mario "MC Souleye" Treadway. And I have no idea who he is, either. But mostly I was just mesmerized by her boobs in this picture.

Gizmodo continues their panting coverage of the new iphone 4. But it's still AT+T so I say maybe wait for another carrier? That we keep hearing about? Unless you can't. Which I totally understand. But don't forget that AT+T is putting the kibosh on unlimited data for new contracts. A move that is full of suck and too typical.

Somehow, These Two Things Go Together

2010-05-25T21:39:00.000-07:00

Reader, the other day I was perusing the posts on Consumerist and buried in the comments of this odd little story was a link to the Bristol Stool Scale:

I'm not sure what more I can add to this. Just thought you should know.

A few days later, I bought a gorgeous bunch of pink peonies at Trader Joe's. Is there anything more lovely?

Music Monday: Where Does the Good Go?

2010-05-17T21:07:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! Another craptastic weather day in the Bay and one day closer to $6 tolls. Sheesh, so negative, I know. The good is here, it's all around, like this French bulldog puppy impersonating a turtle:

COME ON!

BTW, this clip has four million views on YouTube, which shows you that the urge to have your head exploded from puppeh cuteness is universal.

The good is also in Pandora. She offered me Anyone by Moving Units while I was walking around the lake. My groove thing was all what's this now? Tell me more!

Not the official video but I think it kind of fits:

This SNL Digital Short: Great Day joined the ranks of the disturbingly funny with MotherLover and Dick in a Box:

Also much good in Beyonce's new video for Why Don't you Love Me?

Beyonce is smokin' hot in this video. That is also very good.

All I Can Do Is Squee

2010-05-14T23:20:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader. It's been a long while, so I'm going to make my re-entry into the shallow end of the heated kiddie pool of the blogosphere with a short post dedicated to the joys of baby animals.

Baby otter from the Ross Park Zoo
The sleek fuzziness, that Hershey Kiss of a nose, the whiskery little mouth and puffy cheeks.

Baby lynx at the Nashville Zoo
It's commonly understood that baby animal + baby bottle = head explosion from cuteness.

As Gob Bluth would say: COME ON!

One Last Thing

2009-12-31T11:23:00.001-08:00

Good LORD.

2009 Wind Down

2009-12-30T09:44:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader! Posting will continue to be a bit light, but here's some recent highlights.

1. Cat riding Roomba whilst terrorizing argyle sweater-wearing pit bull. My cats are terrified of the vacuum cleaner, so just how is it that it ever occurs to a cat to ride a robot vacuum? I guess I'll have to buy one to find out.

2. A terrifying amount of pork, the Bacon Explosion. I'd like to try one bite, so please invite me over when you make this.

3. The awesomeness of Lady Gaga's year of style.

4. AT&T continues to lamely point iPhone customers to other services instead of fixing their damn network already.

5. Rose, the smiley dolphin we hung out with at Discovery Cove.

Swiff It Good

2009-12-20T00:01:00.000-08:00

Reader, you may recall that my disinterest in housework knows no bounds. I don't care if my shelves are dusty, my tub ringed, water spots speckle the toothbrush holder. I prefer that there not be cat litter in the bed, but I'll carry on if there is.

I have two cats living with me, who are incredibly messy. They throw litter out of the (covered) litterbox, deposit hair, whiskers and nail hulls at an alarming rate, toss their food all over creation. A few weeks back, I finally succumbed to the Swiffer. I resisted this for so long because it's disposable, expensive and why not just mop? But after spending what felt like forever mopping my kitchen floor one day only to have Gus muck it up later that day with wet food and a poop smear, I thought I am never mopping that fucking floor again. And bought a Swiffer the next day.

First I dry Swiffed. It worked fairly well; cat hair did cling to it as promised. But I still had to use the dust pan at the end as the bigger crumbs of cat food and litter didn't. The experience overall was marginally better than sweeping but wasn't transformational.

On to the wet Swiffer, which is basically a giant baby wipe that you attach to a mop head. This experience wasn't quite as happy. To begin, it smells simply awful. Like chemical-y room air freshener in "spring rain" scent which never smells neither remotely springy nor like rain. Why doesn't Simple Green or CitraSolve make these? Secondly, it seemed to leave behind a somewhat greasy film.

Alas, reader, Swiffer is not the magic answer to my sloth-ly housekeeping or my slobbini kittehs.

And proud of it

Rising Star: Parks and Recreation

2009-11-21T09:54:00.000-08:00

Reader! The second season of Amy Poehler's Parks and Recreation just gets better and better. If you abandoned this show sometime during the admittedly mediocre first season, COME BACK!

This week during an office hunting trip gone awry, Leslie protects one of her own from an inquisitive park ranger:

This made me laugh so hard. Amy Poehler is such a fucking hero. Check out back episodes of Parks and Recreation on Hulu.

Happy weekend!

Taking Stock

2009-11-16T19:23:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader! Today when I peered into the fridge looking for dinner, a nearly naked carcass from a Whole Foods rotisserie chicken stared back. Because it feels like such an indulgence to buy these when you could roast your own for half the cost, I felt compelled to squeeze out every drop of chickeny goodness; it was time to make stock.

After picking off all the meat, and there's always more than you think, I threw it all, skin, bones, the whole nine, into a pot and covered it with water. I added veggies, avoiding anything that smells farty when you cook it, as it will not make for happy broth. That means skip all the cruciferous veggies: broccoli, cabbage, brussels sprouts, etc. Think of the things that make the house smell nice when you're cooking them: onions, garlic, carrots, mushrooms. Potatoes fall apart and make the stock cloudy, so I would skip those as well.

I keep a big ziplock going in the freezer with those kinds of things and when I have a full bag, I go for it. But just using the limp stuff in the fridge is fine, too, just cut out the obviously moldy or rotten bits. Add some black pepper to the mix, herbs if you have them, bring it to a boil, lower to a simmer and walk away. Eventually, your house will start to smell like comfort and love; bask.

When you're good and ready, pull out the big stuff with a slotted spoon or skimmer. Then it's time to strain. You could go all kinds of crazy straining but I just pour it through a fairly fine wire colander a couple of times. If you want it super clear, consider straining through a chinois. Here are some options for your viewing/buying pleasure. What you do with the fat is your call. I like it, so I leave it. If you don't, let the broth cool and skim it off.

Because I am looking for just a little stock at a time, after it has cooled, I pour it into ice cube trays. After they freeze thoroughly, crack them open and put them into a ziplock. Voila, broth cubes, ready when you need just a bit of liquid but water won't do.

And in the word of the uber laid back cook Mark Bittman: worry less, cook more. Amen to that!

Apropos of nothing, this bottle of 2006 Bogle Petite Sirah is so damn good. I first learned of the joy that is Petite Sirah nearly a year ago during a road trip you can read about here. Those bottles were $35+, but this one was about $10 at Trader Joe's. What's not to like?

"...You Can't Just Show up with Inelegant-Looking Labia"

2009-11-11T14:25:00.000-08:00

Reader, thank the Maker for the sanity of Kate Harding, who writes for Salon's Broadsheet. Today she jumps into the fray of labioplasty, an increasingly popular cosmetic surgery to change the appearance of the labia, i.e. teenage porn star. A recent British study came out against the practice. In shocking news, plastic surgeons disagreed with their findings. Harding writes:

"Unsurprisingly, Douglas McGeorge, past president of the the British Association of Aesthetic Plastic Surgeons, told the BBC he thinks the concern is "over the top. Essentially this is just about removing a bit of loose flesh, leaving behind an elegant-looking labia with minimum scarring." Oh, well if that's all it is! I mean, obviously, if you want to be taken seriously at a job interview or get a decent table at a hot restaurant, you can't just show up with inelegant-looking labia."

Bwahhahahahaha! Love her! You can catch the whole article here.

Oh, and in case you were wondering, there isn't one female body part that's just fine as is. Just so we're on the same page.

Greetings From The People's Gaypublic of Drugifornia

2009-11-03T20:11:00.000-08:00

What it is, reader! The relentless march of the holiday season has begun. Thanks to genius marketing, we no longer have a series of discrete celebrations but rather one long holiday that begins after Labor Day, HalloThankChristYears, the purpose of which is to buy all manner of shit.

After going out for Chinese with some friends this Hallo, we decamped to a nearby bar to watch the World Series (obvs I was not driving this agenda), Lucita's. Lucita's wasn't a "dive" bar populated by white urban hipsters but was just sort of seedy. Tended by a platoon of ladies costumed at various stops along the sexy continuum: nurse, cat etc, there was a surfeit of cleavage.

Shortly after we arrived, two men dressed as cops came in. Except they were really cops, as it turned out. They posted themselves directly in front of the entrance, such that you would not be able to enter or exit without their physically moving out of the way. Odd. At the same time, we also noticed a steady stream of men going up a half flight of stairs at the back of the bar, then returning a few minutes later.

It did not take an especially fertile imagination to conclude we had stumbled onto a police-protected sex ring. The cops were essentially bouncers--your tax dollars at work! I was semi-outraged.

Turns out, San Francisco has a rich history of police-protected prostitution rings, as documented in Erotic City: Sexual Revolutions and the Making of Modern San Francisco by Josh Sides.

Might those busty bartenders have been B girls, who receive a cut of drink sales that they entice men to buy with their wiles and wares? Additional sleuthing yielded this review of the bar. The writer, a bit of a sexist ass, did seem to pick up that something was amiss in Lucita's but neglected to notice the sex work happening all around him. Perhaps it was just the timing of his visit. If at some point the SFPD gets interested, since hey, they can't seem to solve any homicides, tell them you read all about it on Professional Critic.

In other news ...

Stupak Amendment: What. The. Fuck?

File under: Late to the Party but Sure Am Glad I Made It: Cashmere. Reader, why did it take me thirty eight years of life to start wearing cashmere? Soft, light and delightfully warm, cashmere is indeed God's gift to woolens. If you feel so inclined to buy your favorite blogger a HalloThankChristYear present, do consider this one from Restoration Hardware.

Hi future robe!

The first minute of this episode of 30 Rock still makes me howl:

The suck known as Trauma has been canceled. Not surprising. Here's a taste of Trauma:

Yes, it's all that bad.

Oh, SNAP!

2009-10-30T15:31:00.001-07:00

Celebrity chef/rake Anthony Bourdain has some choice words for Bay Area foodie extraordinaire Alice Waters: "annoys the living shit out of me." For the icing on the cake, calls her "Pol Pot in a muumuu." Although Bourdain's machismo chef shtick can be a bit much at times, this comment made me laugh out loud. Possibly the only thing more irritating than Bourdain's swaggering is Waters' rarefied preciousness.

However, to her credit Waters has put her considerable influence behind improving school nutrition with her Edible Schoolyard project. I can't seem to find anything Bourdain has done to advocate or promote the quality of food in this country. School lunches may not be sexy but they'll do a hell of a lot more to address the epidemics of obesity and diabetes in this country than Bourdain eating organ meats with a local. But! Bourdain never pretended to be a social reformer. He's an entertainer and entertains he does.

Read more here.

Josephine Summons Forth the Deity

2009-10-26T19:29:00.000-07:00

Reader, an irksome fact of life at Chez Professional Critic is my ongoing inability to adequately capture Josephine's cuteness on film. Her brother Gus, while not as adorable in reality, is ridiculously photogenic:

Strikes a pose

even mid nail-chomp.

If this was a season of America's Next Top Model, Gus would be the average-looking girl whose pictures knock your socks off. He is fierce, brings it, works it AND owns it.

Josephine would be the real-life stunner the judges reluctantly boot off after the fourth episode when they realize she simply cannot smile with her eyes.

Camera brings out deeply suspicious nature.

But I keep trying. The other day as Jo lolled on the bed in the glowing late afternoon sun I grabbed the camera. I got this:

Demented

And this

Stoned

And then, this:

Saint Josephine!

I love that she's bathed in this beatific glow, surrounded by thousands of points of colored light. Makes up for the fact that you can't quite see her precious little face, almost.

My Secret Trench Coat, Plus

2009-10-25T20:20:00.000-07:00

What it is reader! I keep forgetting to blog and instead watch lots of television on Hulu, which is a good indicator of just how exciting life is at the moment.

Here's a summary of the madcap adventures of Professional Critic:

1. I tried to employ The Secret to find a new jacket. I have been envisioning a deep teal blue trench coat, lined with some kind of animal print, I think leopard but maybe zebra. It's fitted but not belted, or maybe half belted in the back, and doesn't have all the weird faux military epaulets like your dad's 1975 London Fog. The fabric has a very light sheen. It makes me look mysteriously hip or hiply mysterious. Do you feel me, reader? I saw the jacket so clearly that actually buying it seemed a mere technicality. This was The Secret, was it not? So I sallied forth to manifest my jacket but much to my surprise, I was unable to do so, leaving The Gap, Nordstrom Rack and two of my very favorite independent clothing stores near my house empty-handed. I was so genuinely puzzled that I actually asked the clerk at one store, "where are your teal blue trench coats?" She must have been as confused by my question as I was by the store's woeful lack of teal trench coats, as she pointed to the black and gray coats, declining to make further eye contact.

2. Turns out, I may not be able to control retail fashion inventory with my thoughts, after all. Major buzz-kill Barbara Ehrenreich's new book Bright-Sided is a critique of the idea near and dear to the legions of Oprah that you can control the universe with your thoughts. Here she is, spreading her negativity to Jon Stewart on The Daily Show:

3. Speaking of Negative Nellies, I saw Michael Moore's new movie, Capitalism: A Love Story. It's full of inflammatory statistics presented out of context, heart-string-tugging stories out of the heartland, portraits of corporate greed and working class heroism, and the usual dose of Moore political theater, i.e. wrapping the Wall Street Bull in yellow crime scene tape. Good stuff. But one aspect of corporate shennanigans absolutely floored me: dead peasant insurance. These are life insurance policies a corporation takes out on employees and collects upon their death, whether or not they're still employed by the company. This is not the CEOs being insured, but the rank and file, like door greeters at Wal-Mart. THIS IS LEGAL? HELP ME, RHONDA! You can read about this ultra-repulsive, needs-to-be-outlawed practice here and here

4. I started using my sewing machine and made two new pillows for my couch. Crafty!

Cuteness Tuesday: Oh. Mah. Gah.

2009-10-15T22:14:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! I swung by the Zooborns site after a spell. Get ready to fall out from cuteness:

Baby pygmy rabbit! With color coded ear for easy identification! I die.

It's a panda well-baby exam:

And a baby panda scaring its mama:

Isn't this so much better than balloon boy drama? TGIF, reader!

Weekend Getaway

2009-10-12T23:30:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! This weekend I headed to Point Lobos with Teacher. Point Lobos is a place of magic and wonder and one of my favorite-est places ever.

But first we went to a winery, Chateau Julien. Only one of the wines we tasted did we actually like, Black Nova. Tastings.com said this about Black Nova:

"Deep garnet violet color. Lovely aromas of toffee, cedar, honeycomb, and blueberry cobbler a la mode follow through on a smooth, supple entry to a fruity-yet-dry medium-full body with excellent depth and highly polished oak beautifully supporting the fruit. Finishes with a long, creamy, nutty fade. Very sensual and enticing. Pair with filet mignon."

Can I get an eye roll? Despite this dopey description, Black Nova was fantastically yummy and if you find yourself with $55 burning a hole in your pocket, this would be an excellent way to spend it.

Next, we went to Garland Ranch Regional Park, which we found with the help of trusty iphone. Nestled in Carmel Valley, it was a perfectly gorgeous place to hike:

Then we shopped. Nothing scenic but I did find a pair of $12 jeans, which is sort of exciting.

The next morning we fell into the black hole called The Rachel Zoe Project. Please click on this link--the picture of her tells you exactly what you need to know about Rachel Zoe. If you've never seen this, let me free associate to draw a picture: drama, bag lady, the gays, vacuous, train wreck, beard.

On to Point Lobos. The weather was overcast, but that didn't dampen the amazing experience this place always offers. As usual, the park was teeming with wildlife: harbor seals, sea lions, sea otters, spouting whales, herons, cormorants and tide pools packed with awesomeness, including these vibrant purple sea urchins

and this orange sea star, which I learned is the correct term for starfish. Who knew?

From the small scale to the large, Point Lobos is amazing:

We didn't want to leave.

Yellow Jackets Are Bitchy Assholes

2009-10-05T20:28:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! I write this from a Bendryl induced haze so I apologize in advance if I don't make a lick of sense.

Friday afternoon at work as I was reaching into my bag to get some gum I felt a painful pinch. I yanked my hand out of my bag and this was attached to my finger:

I flung my hand to get it off of me and nearly cried like a baby. It was surprisingly, awfully painful so I took some Benadryl and ibuprofen and iced it for a while. It seemed to work so I thought that was the end of it. A few hours later, though, my finger started swelling up, was red, hot and ridiculously itchy. It wasn't quite this bad, but it was pretty close:

The next day was worse so I ended up calling the advice nurse who asked me if I was drooling or having difficulty breathing. I wasn't--would I wait on hold for ten minutes if I couldn't breathe?--but they asked me to come in anyway. Not sure why since all the doctor did was tell me I was having a normal reaction to a yellow jacket sting and that swelling and itching could go all the way up to my shoulder. I kid you not.

Today is 72 hours post-sting and my entire hand is still crazy itchy. This can last up to a week. Weep.

This is a yellow jacket's ass. Ouchy.

Professional Critic Rounds It Up

2009-10-01T19:19:00.000-07:00

What it is reader!

A round up of the most important news of the day.

Justin Timberlake and Jessica Biel. On? Off? Rhianna? Yes? No? Can I please get a straight answer?

I'm sort of excited to see Whip It!

There are so many new crappy shows this fall! Avoid especially: Eastwick, Trauma. Epic suck. But Glee is pretty awesome.

Kate Harding reminds us that Roman Polanski raped a child. With people (including, yes, Woody Allen) falling all over themselves in their codependence to protect Polanski from the consequences of his own assholic actions, I think they do need to be reminded.

Baby pygmy hippos are so fucking cute:

I guess David Letterman had affairs with some of his staffers, then was the victim of an extortion plot. Can't muster up any feeling about this.

This is Banned Books Week. Celebrate your freedom to read by picking up one of the most challenged books in the US.

Music Monday: Cougarville

2009-09-26T14:34:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader!

I caught the first episode of the new Courtney Cox show, Cougar Town. What can I tell you? It just wasn't good. Too bad, I kinda liked Courtney as Monica on Friends but this show is dopeyville. You can watch it on Hulu, here.

In other cougar news, I just read that the hot hot Mary Louise Parker is dating some youngster named Charlie Mars. I had not heard of him, but he appears to be a Jason Mraz/Jack Johnson, guy-with-a-guitar singer. Mary Louise also stars in his video, Dark Side:

I found this video neither steamy nor interesting and the song, a snoozefest. Perhaps one does need to be high to enjoy it?

All cougarness, or cougarity, aside, a question arises: she is no doubt teh hotness, but why does Mary Louise so embody passivity? Her lethargic character on Weeds is making the show nearly unwatchable (saved by Andy and Doug), but watching this video, I wonder--is this actually just her?

Live Blogging the 2009 Emmys

2009-09-20T17:33:00.000-07:00

5:34 I'm late! What did I miss?

5:35 Oh, the funny ladies! Good, I didn't miss it.

5:36 Oh, Samantha Who isn't a good show at all. Sarah Silverman's moustache! It's Toni Collette for the win, I do so like her, but have never seen United States of Tara. Wait, this is a Steven Spielberg show? Who knew? But what does the bottom of this dress look like? Oh, no, there it is. Don't like it.

5:38 Jon Cryer won an Emmy? Someone please tell me this is a nightmare.

5:39 Holy Blake Lively's boobies in that red dress. Whoa. It's best guest actor/actress. Tina Fey and Justin Timberlake! Tina's dress is boring, disappointing. I'd like to see her branch out a bit, fashion-wise.

5:41 Wait, what is going on with the shoulders of Leighton's dress? It looks like her neck is being attacked by throw pillows.

5:44 Reader, taking this commercial break to tell you that since TV went digital and I dutifully bought the converter box, I gained ten Cantonese channels, five Spanish channels, thirty seven public television stations and lost NBC, ABC and CBS. Hence, watching this streaming on laptop instead of on TV. Is this a conspiracy by cable companies? Methinks yes.

5:48 Rob Lowe still looks so good. Amazing. Actor in comedy! Alec Baldwin rules in this role. Oh but Jemaine from FOTC is so good, too. What is this "Big Bang Theory?" Huh, never saw it. Two and a Half Men, why? WHY? YES! It's Alec!

5:52 Classy acceptance speech by Alec. Says it's the best job he'll ever have. Don't doubt it.

5:54 WTF is this? Not funny, just gross, Family Guy.

5:54 Reality awards. Blergh. I mostly hate this entire genre.

5:57 Cheesy dancing. Yawn.

5:58 Neil Patrick Harris, I guess he's okay. Hayden looks pretty, nice updo. I don't care about any of these reality shows. I like writing and character development, sue me.

6:00 Is Jeff Probst like a total bazillionaire? Nice speech, though. Brief and grateful, light touch.

6:01 More commercials. I need water, this is an endurance event.

6:03 Yummy cocktail sounds better: vodka, lime fizzy water, strawberry lemonade. Delish!

6:06 Oh Tracy Morgan! He's incredibly fun to watch. But I still don't care about reality TV. Oh, a deaf person was on Amazing Race? Interesting. I think the only reality show I have seen in a while is The Real Housewives of New Jersey. Which was pretty good, in a train wreck kind of way. It's The Amazing Race for the win. I don't care.

6:09 For someone who says he's speechless, he has a lot to say. Enough of you, Amazing Race.

6:09 On to miniseries movies. I don't recognize any of these so far. Oh, Gray Gardens. I tried to watch the original movie and I couldn't make it through. So much crazy, I found it painful to watch. Oh, Kevin and Kyra, I love them both. Kyra's dress is too flouncy and floofy, but what a lovely color. So flattering on her.

6:13 I don't know who Shohreh Aghdashloo is, but she's gorgeous, like the Iranian Salma Hayek.

6:14 More miniseries movies that I don't know or care about. This time, the men. Some guy named Ken Howard wins for Gray Gardens. He looks vaguely familiar. Makes a good joke about getting interrupted by a Congressmen or a rapper. Nice. And then he acknowledges his kidney donor. I LOVE IT! Then he sweetly recognizes his wife, whose birthday is today. I love Ken Howard now.

6:18 A commercial for a new movie, The Invention of Lying. Has lots of good people, Ricky Gervais and Tina Fey, sounds promising.

6:20 Most of the people commenting on the live stream seem to be from other countries. Apparently the Tide Cold Water commercial featuring Digable Planets "Cool Like That" made a big impression.

6:22 Chandra Wilson, I don't like that dress one iota. It looks like it's devouring you. Kate Walsh, not sure I love the gray or all that ruching around your hips. I have definitely seen you look much better. Who is this guy now? Some miniseries thing again. He has a nice accent. Brendan Gleeson. All the commenters are talking about his performance in "In Bruges." Anyone?

6:27 Patricia Arquette, what the hell? This one-shouldered black glittery unflattering piece of bad news should have never been put on your body. Jennifer Love Hewitt has on a pretty flowy strapless yellow number that's a bit boring but looks nice on her. She's having a good hair day, too.

6:28 Dearblha Walsh won for something and she needs to be wearing more supportive undergarments. Sweet speech, though.

6:30 Really? The accountants--oh, it's Dr. Horrible. I didn't love this. But I agree that the future of home entertainment is the internet, but this is pretty funny.

6:33 It's Alec! Looooove. Best actress in miniseries movie. More things I've never seen. Jessica Lange takes it for Gray Gardens. Huh. She looks a bit odd. Overdone plastic surgery around the eyes, perhaps? Okay, move it along, Jess. But then she shares a nice moment with Drew, who does the hands clasped together squinty-eye thing. She's adorable, isn't she?

6:37 Refill.

6:39 Isn't it cool that vodka doesn't freeze?

6:41 Already a little buzzed.

6:42 Kiefer and some girl. A commenter calls her Baby Cate Blanchett. I can see it. Another category I don't know anything about. Miniseries/movies. Gray Gardens takes it. Did anyone actually see this?

6:45 More miniseries. When will this be about shows I care about?

6:46 Oh no, it looks like the lady from Little Dorrit has repurposed a bridesmaid dress. Magenta, shiny and hideous. Who allowed this?

6:47 Variety? Oh, like SNL? Nice clip of Tin Fey doing Palin: I can see Russia from my house! Talk shows, The Daily Show etc. David Letterman's weird interview with Joaquin Phoenix. Okay, I get it. Wait, was that the inauguration? That's a variety show?

6:50 Who are these people? Oh, it's the guy from Roseanne. Yes, I know I'm old.

6:51 Is it the alcohol? What the hell is this award actually for?

6:53 Whoa! I ran over to Jezebel's live blog to see if they caught what the award was for and there nestled in the live blog was an announcement by blogger Tracie that she's pregnant! Congrats! But now I'm really lost. And drunk.

6:54 Emmy goes to team from The Daily Show. Not sure what the award is for, but always enjoy The Daily Show. Accepting the award is a contingent of short Jewish men.

7:02 We're back! It's Jimmy Fallon, I don't really like him. But he's mocking Auto Tune in a totally hilarious way. You can see the clip here. Category is music and lyrics. Yet another category I don't care about. Occurs to me that I could have tuned in for the last thirty minutes and seen all the categories I cared about. Oh, wait! It's Flight of the Conchords and Mother Lover from SNL. Mother Lover is totally going to win. Oh UPSET! Some song written for the Oscars won. Weak.

7:06 Ricky Gervais presenting for ... not sure. Steve Carrell doesn't laugh at the joke at his expense. Hm. The Daily Show wins for ... whatever this category is. The short Jews come up again. Jon Stewart is adorable. He lauds Neil Patrick Harris, who seems appreciative.

7:11 This is kinda boring. Must I drink more?

7:14 Hm, ad for a new show featuring Julianna Margulies and Chris Noth. Could be promising. Too bad I've lost the ability to watch network television.

7:16 Drama! NCIS, never seen it. House? Same show over and over. Mentalist? Not that good. CSI? Don't care. Law and Order? Formulaic. Grey's Anatomy? Melodrama. True Blood? Campy fun. Lost? Never seen it. I finally figure out this is not the nominees list. DUH. Here are LL Cool J and Chris O'Donnell presenting for best supporting actor. John Slattery should win, hands down. Maybe the guy from Breaking Bad. Oh. It's Michael Emerson from Lost. He's super duper creepy.

7:21 Supporting actress in a drama. Dianne Wiest for In Treatment! That is a fantastically written and acted show. She should win this. She doesn't. It's Cherry Jones. She's a great actor so I grudgingly give her the Professional Critic stamp of approval.

7:24 Sarah MacLachlan sings to the dead people. When did Eartha Kitt die? Oh, the white guy from the Jeffersons! Ron Silver, didn't know that one. Paul Newman, wah!

7:27 Tracie from Jezebel not pregnant. She was just testing to see if anyone was reading. Sneaky.

7:32 Oh, poo. The fog is rolling in. Damn you, marine layer. Ad for Latisse, to grow longer, fuller, darker lashes. Ask your doctor if Latisee is right for you. Whatever.

7:33 Oh, it's vampire Bill from True Blood and that guy who used to be on Buffy and now on Bones. They tell us about the winners for the Creative Emmys. Seems to be about guest spots. Michael J. Fox won for Rescue Me. He was quite funny in the role of Janet's alcoholic paraplegic boyfriend. Ellen Burstyn looks like she's wearing my grandmother's livingroom curtains. But she rocks.

7:36 Writing award. I care about this, finally. Mad Men takes it! YES! The writing on this show is stellar. Matt Weiner gives encouragement to writers everywhere.

7:39 Simon Baker presenting for best actress in a drama. He's teh secks, is he not? Lots of good choices here, love Kyra in The Closer and Elizabeth Moss in Mad Men but Glenn Close takes it for Damages. I'm good with that. She spends lots of time acknowledging her co-nominees and the writers. Nice touch.

7:43 At the commercial break, realizing that I have yet to see a dress I covet. Also, that it's hard to eat pistachios and type. Sad about both.

7:49 Dana Delaney in unflattering glasses and a dress that doesn't fit her well but nice eggplant color. This is a great category, leading actor in a drama. Tons of contenders. Bryan Cranston takes it for the second year in a row for Breaking Bad! He is incredible in this role but I'm a little disappointed for Jon Hamm, who is just terrific as Don Draper.

7:52 Bob Newhart presenting for best comedy series. Many good choices here, though I would have to say that Weeds is no longer a comedy. 30 Rock takes it! This is a great show. Justice has been done.

7:57 Stephen Moyer, who plays vampire Bill on True Blood, has won Breakout Performance of the Year. This apparently has something to do with Vaseline Body Lotion. A more sober person will need to explain that to you.

8:00 Last category, best drama, presented by Sigourney Weaver. Of course I think Mad Men should win, since Dexter is really a comedy anyway. Mad Men takes it! Wahoo! Oh, January Jones, I think I might like your art deco-y dress. But where is Joan Holloway and all of her voluptuousness? I feel somewhat cheated.

The end, reader. That was kind of a snooze. I think I need to drink more, next time.

TV 'n Stuff

2009-09-16T23:32:00.000-07:00

Reader, tonight I watched one episode of the newish FX motorcycle club drama, Sons of Anarchy. I'm not sure that it will be a keeper but I was delighted to see two actors I liked very much from two of my very favorite shows, Mad Men and Deadwood.

Maggie Siff, who played department store heiress Rachel Menken on Mad Men:

And Dayton Callie, who played the wonderful Charlie Utter on Deadwood:

Interestingly, the show also has lots of parallels to The Sopranos. Maggie Siff's character Tara's struggles with learning just how elbow deep in crime her lover Jax really is. Katey Sagal's (formerly Peg Bundy) advice to her, "You love the man. You learn to love the club" had such a Carmela vibe.

So far neither the writing nor the characters of Sons comes close to their earlier shows, but it's great to see these actors again. Who knows, it could get better. Hulu will have episodes up eight days after air date for three weeks.

California people might be a bit more interested; the show takes place in the town of Charming, which I think is supposed to be Stockton, and features all kinds of Bay area references.

Dangerous Food

2009-09-14T23:07:00.000-07:00

Today's Consumerist article about a couple suing Dunkin Donuts after a hash brown burned their toddler was a real eye-roller. But I did learn that the McDonald's scalding coffee lawsuit, that I used to think was also an eyeroller, really wasn't frivolous at all. As in third degree burns to her legs and genitals, requiring an eight day hospitalization and multiple skin grafts. This was after hundreds of people had already been burned and this particular McDonald's had been warned by corporate to turn the coffee temperature down. You can check out the full background of the McDonald's case here.

And here is a precious video of a spazzy newborn baby elephant:

Fall Fare

2009-09-13T11:55:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! This weekend's cool and rainy weather inspired me to cook something hearty. Since I'm spectaculary lazy, this had to be easy, take a minimum of ingredients, dishes and prep work.

I had a pork tenderloin in the fridge. Pork tenderloin's leanness is tricky-- the threat of dry awfulness is ever-present. But so lean that you don't have to deal with overwhelming amounts of piggy fat in other cuts.

I had maybe 1/3 of a bag of prewashed brussels sprouts from Trader Joes. One large red potato. Shallots. Onions are also okay.

Key to success is a heavy large skillet--non-stick will not do, so don't even ask. We're looking for stainless, cast iron or enamel coated iron that can go from stove top to the oven. And it needs to be big so the food has lots of surface area to brown.

Some minimal meat prep will be worth it: leave the fat, you'll need what precious little there is of it. But remove the silver skin, as that does not make for a happy eating experience. I use a scissor for this. Next, pat it dry with paper towels. This is also important.

Heat up some olive oil in your pan. You want it hot, so the oil is shimmering as you swirl it around in the pan. Lay the loin in the pan. Now back away slowly from the stove--do not touch or peek or you will interfere with the glorious browning process. You want to do around five minutes per side, the whole surface of the loin.

Preheat the oven to 375.

While browning is happening, chop up the potato in smallish chunks, playing dice size. Keep the skin on, for the love of God. Chop the hard ends off and quarter the brussels sprouts. Dice the shallot. Make sure nothing is wet. Water is the enemy of caramelization.

After meat is browned, take it out of the pan. Put veggies in. Smush them around to coat with oil and then leave them be. Really! Don't touch! Maybe after five or so minutes, give them a turn. You'll see evidence of browning. Rejoice. Cook for five more minutes.

Put the browned meat back in the pan. Avoid crowding, otherwise food steams instead of browning. Caramelization makes deliciousness. While an acceptable method of transforming raw food into cooked food, steaming is not delicious.

Stick the whole skillet in the oven, uncovered. I left mine in there about 20 minutes give or take, and gave the veggies a turn about halfway through. Don't stir more than that. Really. It's that browning thing again. Fork the veggies to see if they're ready. Take the meat out and let it rest. Do not poke or cut. Leave it! Back away! Except to stop the cats from getting on the counter and licking it.

If you're more ambitious than me, this would be a great time to make a pan gravy, scraping up the lovely brown bits (the fond), adding some chicken or veggie stock, butter, cooking over low heat. I just put in a blob of butter and call it a day.

While doing this, be careful not to burn the shit out of your hand as I did. If you do, however, take the Lord's name in vain, loudly, get that hand under cold running water and leave it there for a while. Take some ibuprofen. Have a good laugh at your own absent-mindedness.

Eat. Swoon. Realize you forgot to take pictures for reader. Eat some more.

A New Angle on Healthcare Reform

2009-09-02T19:10:00.000-07:00

Hopefully we've all sufficiently progressed in our thinking so we can agree that preventative health care is a better use of scarce resources than emergency care. An important part of maintaining health is routine visits and screenings, natch.

I always leave my six month dental cleaning visit with a goody bag of items: toothbrush inscribed with dentist's name, toothpaste, floss and mouthwash. Sometimes the hygienist will even give a little neck massage. The allergist doles out samples of Claritin. The Breast Health Center gives out bottle of waters, pink stress balls and granola bars. But what have I ever gotten from the gynecologist at my annual visit? Reader, NOTHING.

Why is it that the most invasive and least pleasant of screenings (I have not yet hit the age of colonoscopy) yields no doctor swag? Pap smears and HPV screenings are extremely important for the health of ladyparts and what are our esteemed vag doctors doing to make sure we get there and come back every year? NOTHING.

So in the name of real health care reform, I've made a list of items to fill a gynecological swag bag and experiences to help all the ladies out there eager for their next beaver screening. Gynos, take note:

For the environmentally aware:
Diva Cup
Organic unbleached cotton Natracare products
Acidophilus capsules

For the appearance conscious:
Bikini wax, or decorative pubic hair shaping
Spray-on tanning
Pedicure

For the sex positive:
Samples of quality lube (KY is strictly for pelvic exams, instead Liquid Silk or Pjur.)
Articles from Getting Off: A Woman's Guide to Masturbation

For the practical:
Period tracking calendar
Tampon case inscribed with practice name--good PR! These are cool but a bit steep.
Kegelcisor

For the debauched:
Cocktails
Chocolate
Ecstasy
Caribou trimmed mules

It's about time.

Timeless

2009-08-30T22:15:00.000-07:00

Reader, tonight I was watching some episodes of Flight of the Conchords. Bret and Jemaine are super fabulous, as I wrote about here and if you have never seen FOTC, do correct straightaway. During episode 3 of the second season, Bret's newly-formed gang busts out into song and dance a la West Side Story:

Which reminded me how a few months ago I decided it was bordering on criminal that I had never seen West Side Story, which is all like classic and stuff, so I attempted to watch it on Netflix Watch Instantly. I say "attempt" because I couldn't make it past the Prologue. Unfortunately I was unable to suspend disbelief long enough to be convinced that the roving band of flaming homosexuals in tight pants and dance shoes was a menacing street gang. I just couldn't do it. Here's the whole Prologue; 1:40 on should fill you with fear:

Have you ever seen anything so deliciously gay?

Love is in the Air

2009-08-28T20:17:00.000-07:00

Reader, I generally give my love life wide berth on this blog. There's plenty to whinge about without trawling through that, frankly. But today I received an email through an online dating website that was just too good to keep to myself. Here it is in all its bizarre glory, though I've done some censoring to protect the identity of the ~~wackanoodle~~ writer.

How are you doing and how about your family and work? I like what i see and what your profile has to say. I am have been living in [an east coast city] although am originally from [European country]. I latter traveled to [a different European country] when it seems i was being affected by the Global economic down melt and was able to get some great jobs here. I have many companies that i service their oil and gas pumps.Having been in [east coast city], i want to get back to America because America is where i would like to be for the rest of my life.But before coming back to America, i would like to hook up with the right person, the right woman...lol a woman to grow old with me, a woman to love and beloved...A woman that has good understanding, caring and lovely. A woman with good sense of humor because i have great sense of humor as well.Such a woman with me will ever live to testify what a true relationship i because i am ready to carry my woman as my baby...my laps shall always be her bed and resting place receiving millions of kisses always from me.Have love dance together mostly under rain in the yard...lol We can even party together to shake our ass off provided we get back with it...silly me. Have a lovely night as i hope to hear from you.

Are there words? I didn't have any, initially. How did this guy know it's always been a dream of mine to be carried as a baby or to sit in his laps? Then I ended up thinking this must be the dating equivalent of emails from Nigerian businessmen seeking investors. Can't imagine he gets too many responses, but a lid for every pot etc.

What Not To Wear: Cutting Deeper

2009-08-24T23:15:00.000-07:00

Reader, today was my birthday. I am OLD years old. So I wanted to look, you know, a little nicer. I pulled out a lovely 3/4 sleeve ballerina style wrap sweater with crochet detail that I bought at Filene's Basement about six months ago but had yet to wear. This would be the right occasion to finally take the tags off!

Reader, it looked TERRIBLE. Whatever possessed me to buy a sweater that looked this bad? I clearly remember standing in front of the mirror at Filene's, tying the sweater this way and that, trying to get it to look the way it did in my head. You know, like Debbie Allen in Fame:

My efforts were in vain, but I bought it anyway, of course. I fell into Big Clothing Myth #1: If you love it, it must look good. Never mind what your reflection is actually telling you.

Since I couldn't put my finger on why exactly I didn't look like graceful Debbie Allen but possibly more like homeless woman, I chalked it up to things that I could change. With better pants, better hair, better lighting, in a different time zone, I was going to wear the shit out of this sweater.

But now, it will join the ranks of the discarded, unworn. With eyes unclouded by visions of Debbie Allen, I can see the problems, and they are legion: the sweater terminates at maximum love handle. The back is too loose and boxy, the opposite of what a slim ballerina sweater should be. Though interesting, the color is somewhat difficult. And it is highly likely that my cats would have snagged the crap out of all that crochet work.

Oh well, reader. Chalk it up to a learning experience.

What Not to Wear: Oakland Edition

2009-08-22T11:01:00.000-07:00

I live in a one bedroom apartment with a pretty good amount of closet space but no other storage to speak of. Hence, the trunk of my car serves as a closet annex where I store camping gear and other outside/dirty stuff that would otherwise go in a garage like the grill, beach chairs, etc. But even with this storage on wheels, my bedroom closet was getting over-full and yet I still felt that I had nothing to wear. It was with this sense of frustration that I plowed through my closet this weekend. My mission: ditch anything that hadn't been worn in a year, was not flattering, or didn't fit properly. And be ruthless.

What I learned from today's exercise:

1. It doesn't matter how nice or expensive they are: unless I lose significant inches from my hips, stomach and butt, or grow four inches I must never EVER wear pleated pants again. I have seen tall, lanky women rock pleated pants in that fabulous gender-bending Greta Garbo way. But on my short, short-waisted, muffin-topped self? Schlumpy librarian. Goodbye.

2. Long dresses/skirts: disaster. Skirts should end anywhere in the zone between right above the knee and mid calf. Period. Though I would make an exception for a fabulous muumuu should one ever cross my path. I decided to spend some money shortening my very favorite skirt, an awesome Goodwill find, and a dress that I love, so that I look more fabulous and less like an extra on Big Love.

3. Boxy sweaters make me look like the Liberty Bell. Goodbye.

4. Despite the media blitz on the ropy muscular arms of Michelle Obama, Madonna and Sheryl Crow, I must admit defeat to my gene pool. I have the sausagey upper arms of the Russian/Italian/Irish peasant stock from which I come and am definitely not willing to go to the lengths it would take to overcome it. Instead, I ditched a half dozen shirts whose sleeves were too snug in that critical top third of the upper arm.

5. My sister recently met Stacey London of What Not to Wear and she gave the audience a lot of grief about capri pants, especially for the petite. I'm still on the fence about capris, or as my mom called them, "clam diggers." Done well, they seem to work on even semi-midgets like myself but I did ditch a few pairs today. I'm not sure if I understand yet what causes one pair of capris to be great and the other to be weirdly Munchkin-like. Thoughts, reader?

6. I've got quite a bit of junk in the trunk, as they say. Just like Sir Mix a Lot, I don't think it's possible for a woman's ass to look too big.

The downfall for the callipygian? Poor pocket placement, overly high-waisted, or both. To wit:

Poor Jessica Simpson got slaughtered for being fat in those last two pictures. Sure, she had gained some weight since sporting the Daisy Dukes, but the weight wasn't the problem. It was the damn high-waisted, weirdly-pocketed jeans. (Though that belt didn't help matters.) I said goodbye to a few of those today, too.

Reader, I filled four bags within an hour, brought them to the sidewalk outside my building, and they were gone almost instantly. I love city living! Not only does this save me a trip to the thrift store but I am thus prevented from having second thoughts and putting stuff back in the closet.

There are still some items in my closet that ought not be there according to the rules of my purge, but I made enough space so that I can open the closet door without all manners of clothing, blankets and lampshades falling on my head, so I'm satisfied for now.

Also? The older I get the more it becomes clear that I have exactly the same body shape as my mother. To think of all the times I mocked her unyielding shapewear, or compared her giant undies to a sail! Sorry I was such a brat.

Book Picks!

2009-08-19T21:24:00.000-07:00

Reader, I just finished the most amazingly funny, tragic, and tender novel, City of Thieves by David Benioff. Go now and read it.

Tuesday Recap

2009-08-17T21:58:00.000-07:00

What it is reader! I'm just back from vacay, tan but fighting off a cold. I'm hopelessly out of date with all things interwebby, so let's do a quick recap of the week's events, shall we?

1. Folks' undies all in a twist about healthcare rationing. Really? Never had a doctor prescribe something for you that wasn't on your insurance formulary? You know, that list of drugs your insurance company will pay for?

2. Same folks undies all wadded up about socialized medicine? Expecting MediCare when you're 65? Socialized medicine. Like to get a response when you call 911? Socialized public safety. Like to borrow books from the library gratis? Socialized public services. Expect your kids to get a free education through grade 12? Socialized education. So STFU already! My patience for this non-argument has left the building.

3. Annie Liebovitz is broke. I care, a little, maybe.

4. Jet Blue has an interesting deal: fly all you want between September 8th and October 8th for $599. Offer ends Friday, so step on it.

5. Men can sport a gut and still be considered hip and attractive. This is news?

6. PETA takes sexism and fatphobia to stunning new heights. FAIL. Check out some of the links to other grody PETA ads at Feministing.

7. The third season premier of Mad Men was Sunday. You can read all about it here.

And I'm tired. Happy Tuesday, reader!

Mrs. Lewis, Signing Out

2009-08-05T00:15:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! I've been sans interwebz for a bit now and learned that while an iphone is a lot like a computer, it can't actually take the place of one. Turns out that many of my favorite sites don't have mobile versions and even when they do, must have been tested on people using magnifying glasses.

But all is well again technically speaking at Professional Critic. Though I did find an impressive array of teeth marks in the phone line, it turns out to not be the cat's fault this time.

What the problem was exactly, I'll never know. While driving to work today I received a call from an AT+T robot this morning in response to the trouble ticket, urging me to stay on the line as it was URGENT THAT I SPEAK WITH A CUSTOMER REPRESENTATIVE.

So I listened to hold chatter for a very long time until I was connected to a service rep. After a comedy routine to rival Who's On First, surprise! He can't find me in their system, totally my fault for not having my trouble ticket number with me in the car or memorizing my DSL number, a number which I have never dialed in my life and never will because that's how these things work, friend. And though I have an AT+T cell phone number and every customer service rep I talked to in the past three days has repeated it back to me dutifully, he cannot find me that way, either. And he calls me, over and over, "Mrs. Lewis," which is not remotely close to my name, and really? Isn't my account up on the screen in front of you? Does the name "Mrs. Lewis" appear anywhere in my account? Because I bet it doesn't.

I'm not sure what was so URGENT because everything is copacetic now. But I'm horribly behind on what's been happening on the information superhighway and have nothing to offer except this baby elephant Luk Chai, from the Taronga Zoo, courtesy of Zooborns:

Music Monday, Pteridophyta Edition

2009-07-26T17:53:00.000-07:00

Reader, you may recall that internet radio station Pandora introduced me to Iron and Wine. Since loving Boy with a Coin, I bought the album The Shepherd's Dog and am now grooving on the lovely Resurrection Fern.

Though I couldn't dig up the band video on interwebs, here's the song paired with some enterprising You Tube user's photos:

On a weekend hike ran into a number of ferns, here's one for your nature lovin'pleasure:

On a completely unrelated note, I was torn after reading this article about the insane amounts of sodium in some of Denny's most popular offerings, subject of a new lawsuit in New Jersey. One on hand, don't we all know by now that most restaurant fare is packed with sodium and fat, let alone Denny's whose very specialty is cured breakfast meats? On the other hand, this is so beyond the pale, with some entrees having nearly four times the amount of sodium an adult should have in one day. But what next? Warning notices at the county fair? The deep fried Snickers you are about to eat is battered DEATH.

But labeling does work, at least, it works for me, if "work"= total buzz kill. Peet's recently started offering nutrition information and after studiously ignoring it for weeks I learned that my favorite breakfast treat, the Cream Currant Scone, has 480 calories. I conveniently blanked out the grams of fat. Needless to say, it's one thing to know theoretically that something probably isn't good for you and another thing entirely to see just how bad it is in black ad white. I haven't had once since. Too bad the fat-free oatmeal apricot hockey pucks don't look more appealing.

Oy and Then ...

2009-07-21T22:48:00.000-07:00

Reader, preeminent African-American scholar and Harvard professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. was arrested on his own front porch for allegedly breaking into his own house last week. NOT GOOD. Then James Hannaham from Salon writes that the incident has made him "proud of America" because Gates was only arrested and not actually lynched by the police? Umm ... hooray? You can read more about this fiasco here and here.

Let's take a break from racial profiling and cancer to watch a clip from 30 Rock. This particular segment has got to be one of the damn funniest moments of this show and one of the many times I am absolutely mesmerized by Alec Baldwin:

Occam Applies/Public Service Announcement

2009-07-20T20:54:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader!

Since I am scared shitless of cancer right now I took my pale, easily-burned, freckly ass to the dermatologist last week for a mole check. Interestingly when I scoured interwebs to find some cancer screening links I found several sites that were extremely meh about routine skin cancer screening, most notably Sloan-Kettering. But whatevs, reader! I'm all hypervigilant and am bringing my message to you come hell or high water.

So, back at the derm, you get nekkid and the doctor looks at all your skin, using some thingy that sort of looks like a mini telescope, asking about family history of melanoma (no), sun exposure (yes), and sunburns (hells yes).

He decided to biopsy a mole on my back and sadly since I have never seen it I can't tell you what it looked like, except it had "irregular borders." After slicing it off (getting the anesthetic was the only pain I felt) he threw it into a little jar. For a moment I considered asking him if I could see it so I could report back to you but then worried seeing my bloody disembodied mole might make me pass-outy. Work was expecting me and I didn't have time to linger on the fainting couch.

All is fine and I don't need to go back for two years unless I find something funky. Kind of like when Heather Armstrong from Dooce did, but hers is funnier. She's got lots of skin cancer stories that I am too lazy to link here but you'll see them in her post.

Getting Sliced by Occam's Razor/Public Service Announcement

2009-07-19T14:30:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! Hope everyone's weekend was filled with thrills and chills or you at least finished the laundry.

Reader, have you heard of Occam's Razor? If not, you're surely familiar with the everyday translation: the simplest explanation that takes all the facts into account is usually the right one.

This is the theory hypochondriacs struggle with but Occam's Razor was made for you: in the absence of any other symptom, a headache is not brain cancer, but simply the need for a glass of water, a better night's sleep, maybe an aspirin.

But once in a while, really not all that often, the simplest explanation is not the right one at all.

And so we move on to the public service announcement component to this post, oral cancer awareness! How FUN!! Oral cancers in the young and healthy are on the rise. According to the Oral Cancer Foundation there was an 11% jump in cases in 2007 alone, thought to be due to a strain of HPV. Remember HPV? We talked about HPV a while back, when it leads to cervical cancer but HPV gets up to other mischief in your noggin, when mischief = sucky cancer.

So, reader: ask your dentist to screen you (which s/he should be doing anyway), don't ignore sores in your mouth that won't heal or any of these symptoms either.

Disclaimer: I am not a doctor. DUH.

Disclaimer: Sorry if this post freaks your shit out.

I can haz oral cancer screening?

Thank You, Maker: Volume I

2009-07-12T20:06:00.000-07:00

Dahlias

Hebrew National Hot Dogs (Sorry, couldn't help myself)

When Josephine comes running into the bathroom while I'm on the toilet and stands on my foot while I pet her.

Late afternoon sun

Chocolate covered frozen bananas

Those disgusting/compelling melty mints with the jelly center served in bowls at east coast diners.

How about you?

Free Professional Critic from the Shackles of Monopoly

2009-07-08T14:29:00.000-07:00

Reader, saints be praised! The federal government is finally starting to get concerned over cell phone exclusivity. That's just fancy talk for the conundrum folks are in when they balance the lure of the iphone with the epic suck of AT+T coverage, to name a recent and high profile example.

The exclusivity doesn't make much sense when compared to other industries. PG&E will let the electricity flow no matter what kind of lighting I buy, even the cheapo Ikea lamps. The cable company will take your money no matter what brand of TV you have. You get the point.

I've had AT+T wireless for almost five years on the sadly misguided advice of someone who said the service was great! It is alas, terrible. I drop calls all the time, reliably, in the same places in San Francisco, which is a puny seven square miles. My work cell phone through Verizon never drops calls.

But then I went and bought an iphone which I love and continued my deal with the devil for two more years, dropping calls in these same places, but paying a lot more for the pleasure. What can I say? The iphone rulez.

You can check out known cell dead zones here.

And apropos of nothing, a video of polar bear Knut back when he was a stinkin' adorable little cub and his keeper, who has since died, sadly. That is redonkulous cute, reader.

Monday Miscellany

2009-07-05T22:46:00.000-07:00

What it is, reader! Hope everyone had a safe 4th with all digits intact. Things were all good over here at Professional Critic. Though a minute ago one of my neighbors got hauled off by the popo as he was unable to stop screaming, "I'll kill you, motherfuckers," for the better part of a half hour in that slurred nearly incoherent way of the drug addled and/or deeply disturbed. It's a half way house of some kind so police visits are not at all unusual though not usually this dramatic.

In lighter news, I have started feeding my furry miscreants a raw diet. We started off with a chicken salmon formula, and since it is one of the more reasonably priced varieties, they wanted to have nothing to do with it. Now they eat THE BUNNY and everyone seems happier. It does take some getting used to, you know, seeing blood pool in their bowls but my main reason for doing this has been achieved: the poo no longer stinks. It almost doesn't smell at all. I don't understand why this is, but since the litterbox is in my kitchen, I'm happy. Oh yeah, the health benefits, yada yada, since the stupidly expensive kibble I was buying these fools wasn't good enough.

Here is the cute baby animal du jour, brought to you by our friends at Fuck You, Penguin, and it's a doozy:

I can haz bebeh otter?

Oh, Right, I Have a Blog

2009-06-24T22:09:00.000-07:00

Hi, reader. It's been a while. And uh, stuff? Has happened. But some things have not changed at all.

Baby animals are still cute. Thank God for small mercies.

Tulsa Zoo's new lion cubs from on Vimeo.

Today I ordered an iphone and I am pretty excited about it.

That's about it.

TGIF and Music Monday

2009-06-04T21:03:00.000-07:00

Reader, baby animals simply for the joy of it!

Is this not absurd? Please.

Check out the whole frolicking bebeh rhino series here.

Here's one I haven't seen before, a babe anteater.

It's cute in a weirdly squeaky, animatronic way.

On to the music. A friend sent me a mix CD last week and I want to share some of the especially groovy tunes with you. Here's The Guggenheim Grotto, Her Beautiful Ideas. I like this song very much, and the video basically rules.

Magnetic Fields, I Don't Want To Get Over You. This is not their video, just someone being creative on You Tube, but I like.

TGIF, reader.

Mournful Monday

2009-05-31T17:42:00.000-07:00

Reader, weep. This weekend the pro-life movement demonstrated some contrary feelings about the value of human life by murdering abortion provider Dr. George Tiller while he attended church in Witchita, Kansas on Sunday. Dr. Tiller, who had survived another attempt on his life in 1993, had been a tireless advocate for abortion rights. As one of the few providers in the nation to provide third trimester abortions, he was a lightning rod for the anti choice movement.

Awful and powerless but the ladies at Feministing had some ideas about what people that care about woman having access to safe and legal abortion. Make a donation to Medical Students for Choice. I did so, in memory of Dr. Tiller. It doesn't really matter if abortion is legal if there are no trained doctors to perform them.

Onto a lighter note. The words I hear associated with laundry duties for families run along the lines of relentless, never ending, drudgery, etc. Ironic then, that ads for laundry products show laundering women in such orgiastic rapture. Sarah Haskins sets her laser focus on this particularly idiotic slice of woman-focused advertising:

Traffic School and Baby Animals, The End

2009-05-26T22:07:00.000-07:00

Reader, I've finished traffic school and passed my "test." If you need to catch up on my foray into law breaking and my efforts to wipe the proverbial slate clean, and you really should, you can do so here, here, and here.

The online traffic school had seventeen separate modules and quizzes about all the aspects of driving safety you could ~~never~~ ever want to learn about. Peppered through each module were pieces of a story about some girl named Anna and the details of her day. For example, stuck right in the middle of the module on speed limits would be the line, "Anna had eggs for breakfast." Later, in the drugs and alcohol section, "Anna had diet soda with lunch." Etc.

At the time I didn't pay much attention/didn't quite understand what they were doing there, but when I logged onto the final exam, sixteen of the forty questions were about Anna. I spent more time combing through the modules trying to find out what kind of car Anna drove and her dream vacation destination than I did on driving safety.

If only I had known what a sham online traffic school was I never would have spent as much time as I did reading all the modules and taking all the quizzes. Perhaps embedding these questions is their way of forcing you to have some interaction with the content but boy it irritated the hell out of me. An irritation that can only be soothed by the balm of baby animals.

Here's a home grown one. Isn't she stinkin' adorable?

Some of you know Nellie. She's the formerly feral kitty of Potrero Hill. She looks innocent here but if you know Nellie, you know she grew up to be a murderess of the highest order. No bird or small or medium-sized mammal is safe when Nellie's around.

For example, this little creature would be dispatched in a trice, cute bunneh feet and all.

Agh, those feet! I die.

You must go look at this mama and baby orangutan montage. It is sweetness.

This concludes our series on traffic school, because really? Zzzzzzzzzzz. But this will not be the last you see of baby animals.