Attend Traffic School with Professional Critic, Part I

Reader, you may have heard about my recent brush with the law as I raced to TJ Maxx. Well, Jesus was right, I did hear from the court soon after that with my citation. So I wrote the Superior Court a check for (ouch) $305. Reader, be ye careful on windy roads in small affluent crime-free towns, as the cops have precious little to do and will pull your ass over.

Because this was my first speeding ticket and I was going less than 20 miles per hour over the speed limit, I am doing online traffic school to get the point off my record or something like that and guess what?! I have already learned something!! It is against the law to: Smoke a cigarette, pipe, or cigar when a minor is inside the vehicle, whether the vehicle is on or off. The fine can be up to $100.00. (California Health & Safety Code Section 118948)

Was this true in the 70s? I don't think so. What should have been illegal but also probably wasn't: Dad smoking a pipe while Mom smoked a cigarette and painted her nails in the car. They deserved every upchuck I ever gave them. Sorry, sisters.

Also, pay attention: NEVER let your car roll down a hill.

Aren't you a better driver already? I know I am. Stay tuned for additional helpful driving tips as I make my way through this course over the next few weeks.

Apropos of nothing, here's a baby clouded leopard from my new favorite website, ZooBorns:



Baby otter goes nigh nigh in crook of arm:



Really, I could do this all day. How about this: every time I post about riveting traffic school, I will reward us all with some bebeh animal pictures that will make you grit your teeth with adorableness?

It's a deal.

Monday Miscellany

Reader, I had a retro moment this weekend when I grabbed the container of bacon fat out of my fridge while I was cooking. It wasn't a Maxwell House coffee can but a Whole Foods container instead and the brussels sprouts browned in bacon fat before finishing in the oven were a revelation. Someday I aspire to actually cooking pork in bacon fat, as Jennifer Hess of Last Night's Dinner does. Incredible.

Until I have a kitchen with a proper exhaust fan I'm not sure that I can cook bacon at home too often. My entire apartment reeks of it for days--even the cats smell of it. And as delicious as bacon is, I don't want to smell it for that long. The microwave method works well enough, and although a bit bloodless, it does contain the mess and stench in a way that stove top preparation cannot.

Today the New York Times reported that the American pig Renaissance continues with the re-discovery of the even fattier Hungarian Mangalitsa pig. This is a great little article about how excited chefs get about heirloom breeds. And such cute curly ears, too!


I look forward to eating you one day.

Tonight I caught up on the new NBC show starring Ian MacShane, Kings, a sort of futuristic David and Goliath story. As he is wont to do, McShane chews up every scene he's in, but if you haven't yet seen Deadwood or The Wire, skip Kings and rent these instead.

Music Monday Meets Cuteness Tuesday

Reader, Pandora has introduced me to Spanish band Jarabe de Palo y me gusta! Here's Agua. (Don't let the initial cheesiness put you off).



And Bonito:



I thought I liked Our Kitchen Test by The Isles but when I listened to it here, I discovered that I didn't after all. A commenter compared them to The Housemartins--remember Caravan of Love? Great song. Too bad this video is redonkulous:



This article about ninety-year old women finally having their bat mitzvahs made me tear up.

Reader, a totally random recommendation for laundry detergent: Seventh Generation Laundry Detergent, Blue Eucalyptus and Lavender. The overpowering scent of most commercial laundry detergents leaves much to be desired but scent-free products kinda kill my buzz. I love delicious smelling anything so it kind of makes me sad for clean laundry to smell of nothing. This stuff is great and smells lovely without being all chemical-y and artificial. A little pricey, so maybe if you're doing laundry for a whole family, you'll need to stick to Trader Joe's, but since I'm just doing laundry for me, and I'm slovenly, it works out well.

Brief Grief Edition

Reader, I am back on the east coast for another family death. My Aunt Rose, Nanny's sister, passed away this week. One minor upside of the recent string of deaths is that we're pretty good by now at planning all the details of a funeral so it doesn't feel nearly as overwhelming.

We're about to head off to the nursing home where Aunt Rose spent the last of her 99 years to pack up her belongings but I wanted to share two things that made me laugh today.

This ad for ob tampons. Kinda gross? Sorta. But also pretty damn funny.

And since I know many geeks and many people who are dating/married to geeks, this Wired article about the annoying habits of geeks resonated. Recogize any of these traits? I bet you do.

Music Monday Meets Cuteness Tuesday on Wednesday

Reader, if you've never seen Flight of the Conchords, please remedy without delay. If that's not enough to persuade you, maybe this is. I die.

Did everyone know that the Cyndi Lauper song True Colors is a cover? I didn't. It's Eva Cassidy.



Okay, maybe it's not a cover. Another Wiki page says Eva Cassidy covered this song in 2003, seven years after her death. The mystery will not be solved tonight.

And apropos of nothing, is this baby otter not the cutest fucking thing you've ever seen?

Music Monday Meets TGIF

Reader, holy crap. As if Bjork alone isn't kooky enough, someone on You Tube paired her song Earth Intruders with this video:



I could only take a few minutes of this before I started to feel too weird.

Sue me, I like this song. Who knew it was Jamie Foxx? You probably did.



It's so ridiculous, it works perfectly.

Next up is Feist, I Feel It All:



Gee whiz, I sure do like her.

Happy Friday, reader!

Tell Them Jesus Saved Me

Reader, a few months ago I was heading toward TJ Maxx after taking a wonderful hike in a gorgeous regional park. There's nothing like fresh air to whet my appetite for bargain hunting. I was tooling along a windy road toward my destination, when coming off a hill, I noticed I was going a bit fast. Just as I put my foot on the brake, I saw the police car. I knew I was doomed and sure enough the cop made a U turn and pulled me over.

I'm sure I looked completely insane. Those of you that have ever hiked with me can probably picture it. I was filthy due to returning along a route that turned out to be not quite an actual trail, and had a striped knit cap jammed over dirty windblown hair which was sticking out in every direction in defiance of the hat. I considered my options: should I cry? Make up some fake emergency? Could I pull off flirting when I looked like I had just escaped from a mental institution? Then I remembered a former cop friend who used to tell me how much it bothered him when people he pulled over argued and that he would always let people off with a warning if they simply acknowledged their mistake and apologized.

Reader, maybe I should have flirted or cried because my tactic didn't work. The cop was nice enough as he issued my citation and I resisted the urge to say every smartass thing that came into my head about the police force of this very small, wealthy suburban town and maybe he should try coming to Oakland to chase real criminals instead of bothering Professional Critic in her quest for discount jeans. Can you feel my righteous indignation? Entirely undeserved; I was totally speeding.

Fast forward to a few days ago: I still had not received the details of my infraction in the mail and my court date was coming up quickly. I was not relishing the idea of canceling half a day's worth of meetings to attend to this--or to explain why. I got on the horn to the traffic court.

A nice man named Jesus answered the phone. I explained my situation and he sighed and said my citation was not even in the system yet, they were about four weeks behind processing letters. Again I resisted pointing out that they were actually already eight weeks behind, but who's counting? Jesus said to sit tight, and if I didn't hear anything in another month, to call again.

Jesus, I said, I don't plan to get pulled over again, but if I do, am I going to get arrested?

No, no! Just tell them Jesus said it was okay.

Uh, what is your last name?

He laughed. Oh, we don't give that out for security reasons.

An ID number?

You don't need that, he said assuringly. I'm the only Jesus here.


So, reader, if I get thrown in the poky and use my one call to call you, help me out and tell them Jesus saved me, will you?

Twilight in a Nutshell

Reader, I recently finished the fourth and final book of the Twilight series, for a total of 2,560 pages under my belt. Granted, I skimmed or skipped parts that were repetitive or boring. There were a lot of them. If you ever felt that you ought to know what the brouhaha is all about, but didn't have the patience to pick these books up, this post is for you.

Bella Swan is a seventeen year-old living with her mother in Phoenix. When her mom gets involved with a minor league baseball player, Bella volunteers to go live with her dad, the chief of police in rainy Forks, WA so Mom can hit the road with her man. Emerging theme A: Bella's self-sacrifice.

Once in Forks, Bella is immediately drawn to a strangely beautiful group of kids in her high school, the Cullens. She is particularly fascinated by Edward, but he glares at her hatefully, cringing and running whenever she is near. After witnessing shows of his freaky strength and speed, his cold and pale skin, and getting hints dropped by family friend and Quileute Indian Jake Black, Bella eventually figures out that Edward is a vampire.

Edward admits that he doesn't hate her at all but is in fact insanely attracted to her, driven so mad by the irresistible smell of her blood that he must exercise rigorous self-control as to not destroy her. Emerging theme B: acting on sexual desire can kill you! Also, Hey, that's kinda hot.

Bella wants to sex him up but Edward constantly pushes her away. Though many of these scenes simmer with sexual tension, there's a tinge of ick because Edward is patronizing as he chuckles (a word Meyer uses ad nauseum) at Bella's attempts to seduce him. Here I see the appeal of Twilight for younger girls--in this series the responsibility for everyone's virtue and health sits solely with Edward and it is Bella who can safely test the limits.

We also gradually see that Bella is clumsy and draws danger to her like flies to honey and needs Edward to protect her, even watching her as she sleeps. Emerging theme C: those hapless ladies need to be protected. Emerging theme D: creepy domestic violence dynamic.

All four books are stuffed with lots of needlessly complicated subplots to distract us from the fact that these books are vapid, poorly written and could easily be condensed into one 300 page novel. One subplot involves the Italian vampire overclass called the Volturi, who rear their destructive heads from time to time. Another subplot involves the rivalry between Edward and Bella's friend Jake, who turns out to be a werewolf, the sworn enemy of the the vampire. Jake holds the torch for Bella big time; he and Edward despise each other. Bella always chooses Edward, who's the bigger dick of the two. He in turn forbids Bella to see Jake. (Themes C, D)

Along the way there are multiple variations along the "rogue vampire with a grudge" theme which continue to put Bella in peril. Edward, the Cullens and the werewolves save her ass repeatedly. Because she feels her status as a human makes her a liability to everyone around her, Bella continues to pester Edward about changing her into a vampire and Edward continues to find ways to delay her transformation.

Edward and Bella get married at the beginning of the last book and finally do it, which results in the shredding of lingerie, splitting of headboards and Bella wearing the physical manifestation of Edward's internal struggle to not kill her, giant hand-shaped bruises all over her body. This actually sounds more like a book I'd like to read but since this is a young adult series, we instead get a lot of "he led her into the bedroom ..."

Bella becomes pregnant immediately, but a weirdly accelerated pregnancy since she is carrying a half human, half vampire baby. Edward tries to convince her to have an abortion (this word is never used) because he knows the pregnancy might kill her (theme B). Bella enlists the assistance of Edward's vampire sister to keep her safe, and starts drinking human blood to satisfy the ravenous vampi-fetus. After a month of pregnancy, she gives birth to their daughter. But in the process she nearly dies, so Edward makes her into a vampire. More needlessly complicated events come to pass involving the Volturi subplot but the take-away is that Bella now has her own special vampire skill that allows her to shield her family from the kooky mind torture games the other vampires play. They triumph, etc.

Despite all the convoluted plot twists and turns and immersion in the supernatural, Bella is a conventional girl who simply wants to be with her man and raise her baby. The series upholds basic conservative social tenets: no sex before marriage, no becoming a vampire until procreation happens (because vampires cannot give birth), and in the end the ultimate battle is to protect family. That author Stephanie Meyer is a practicing Mormon sheds light on these choices. These books wouldn't be my first choice for young girls partially for these reasons but mostly because they aren't very well-written.