Sarah Haskins, I continue my one woman lovefest for you with the latest installment of Target Women: Skin Care.
Drat, reader. Embedding isn't working so to see this, go here.
Reader, weep. I was planning to keep this post light today in preparation for the second part of Outsourcing Clinical Drug Trials that I plan to subject you to later this week but I have become seriously bummed out by a comments thread on Jezebel. As you may know, I am a daily reader of the bloggers' smart, sparkly, feminist posts. But this nubbin which briefly mentioned Ryan Seacrest's maybe-gayness being escalated to possibly-def-gayness at the Oscars unleashed a stream of comments I found incredibly disturbing. The comments, which I'm chalking up to young, urban-dwelling fabulous provincialism, were all of the "what's the big deal, it's private" and trended toward such hostility to the idea that sexual orientation was anybody else's business I had to get all 70s feminist with a "the personal is political" comment.
I think it will be great day when folks are as unimpressed by queerness as they are by heterosexuality. But as evidenced by the recent victory of Prop 8 in California and multiple other anti-gay measures in other states, we're still a distance from that day. And celebrities, even icky ones like Seacrest, by virtue of their mad dollars and fame, are sheltered from the most brutal homophobia and for better or worse, likely to touch the most lives, are perfectly positioned to come out.
/rant over.
Pandora's been telling me about Iron and Wine. This wasn't the song I was thinking of but I became mesmerized by the flamenco dancers' strong arms, beautifully expressive hands and ultra-shiny hair. It's Boy with a Coin:
This the song I heard on Pandora, Naked As We Came
Tuesday, February 24, 2009
Sunday, February 22, 2009
The 2009 Oscars LIVE Blog!
Reader, join me for the next fucking eternity three hours as I unleash my unique brand of ill-informed judgment on the 2009 Oscar nominees and their stylists. Hopefully this endeavor won't be as soul-sucking as the Super Bowl.
Joining me tonight are:
Liz: educated in costume design and therefore actually qualified to critique entire categories of these awards. Imagine that.
Karen: has actually seen most of these movies. See above.
Our gracious hosts, Seat and Pandy.
Despite the fact that I often forget to brush my hair and see no problem with wearing clothes the cats nested in the prior night, I really do like to look at purty Oscar fashions frocks and --
5:33 Oh snap! This shindig starts at 5:30, not 6. Whoops. Luckily it's just Hugh Jackman acting super gay.
5:37 Okay, ready for this to be over.
5:39 Kind of enjoying Hugh acting gay. Mickey with a gold tooth. Marisa's dress looks pretty, soft dove gray color. Check her out on the red carpet here. Meryl, your hair is not working for me at all. Great dress on Amy Adams but is she wearing a hubcap around her neck?
5:43 Why are they trotting out these ladies? Seat suggests a wrestle-off between them and Mickey Rourke. We bust out howling. It's really for best supporting actress. Tilda no! You look like you're wearing a barber's drape. Penny Cruz! She is stunning. Love that nude lipstick. Whoopi! You're killing me. But that animal print muumuu is a no-no. All the ladies are crying. I love this.
5:46 We agree that Goldie does not look age-appropriate. Seat worries that one or more boobs may pop out.
5:47 Penny wins! This looks like a wedding dress. Outrageous makeup job.
5:50 Karen shows us her new chocolate brown soft leather purse with rocking hardware. We approve.
5:53 Steve Martin and whoa Tina Fey glams it up Studio 54! Not sure how I feel about it. Don't like the side bun but nice cleavage.
5:55 This is for screenplay btw.
5:56 Milk wins. Look at how happy Sean Penn is. Writer Dustin Lance Black is so gaycute. Gus Van Sant is adorable. Everyone's crying, this is so heartfelt. Robin Wright Penn looks incredible. Liz asks, is this guy 16? He makes a big gay affirmation statement! Tell it brother!
5:59 Adapted screenplay. Doesn't Meryl look insanely scary in that austere bonnet? Frost/Nixon was amazing.
6:00 Slumdog wins. Didn't see it so I'll make fashion commentary. That is a nice suit, albeit a bit shiny. Indian man necklace? WTF?
6:03 Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black. Dress is okay, hair is cute but more beachy/casual than Oscars. They had to pan to Angelina and Brad, why? This is bigger than walking on the moon, says Karen.
6:05 This is all about animation, about which I care not a whit. But Seat and Pandy, as the parents of a youngsters, have seen most of them. Pandy liked Kung Fu Panda. It's Wall-E. A big nerd accepts. Don't like that shiny tie.
6:08 Best animated short. I don't care about this. Jack Black looks cute.
6:15 Holy boobies SJP! Great dress, though, tiny little waist. Daniel Craig, barely got a look at him since I was blinded by SJP's knockers. This is art direction btw. These guys are so boring, get off the effing stage already.
6:20 Costume design. It's The Duchess. Karen informs us that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. We all go, Really?? (10:01 Karen emails to correct: it's Nicole Ritchie who's knocked-up) Dude, your speech is boring too. Please stop talking now. Pandy suggests that maybe he's drunk. Karen wonders if he has gas pains. He is kind of hunched over the podium.
6:23 Seat suggests that if SJP took a deep breath, she would pop out of her gown. We agree and wait for it. Makeup now. It's Benjamin Button.
6:25 It's the vampire Edward! We agree the straps on Amanda Seyfred's dress need to go. Looks like she's going to prom. Liz says, "picture this dress without the straps on Penelope Cruz and it would be gorgeous." It's a montage about LOVE.
6:28 We take a break to eat Pandy's delicious chili and cornbread.
6:31 Or not. It's Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller mocking Joaquin Phoenix. She looks stunning in a pinky-purple gown. Pandy calls it "orchid," and we agree that is the right word. We're dying of laughter from how hard Ben is ripping on Joaquin. Nat says "you look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab." Ha! Slumdog again for cinematography.
6:39 Jessica Biel presents. Pandy says "it looks like she just rolled out of bed and wrapped a sheet around herself." Then she says, "look at her neck, it's all red. It looks like she just had sex." We agree, briefly debate sex flush v. beard burn, then eat more chili.
6:42 Seth Rogen looks so skinny! He and James Franco do the stoner thing. It's sorta funny. Don't understand. Am I stoned? It's short film, know nothing about this. Some German guy. We discuss the black tux with a black shirt. Karen says, looks like a waiter. We think the bow tie ruined it. The shirt is weirdly striped and too shiny. Thumbs down.
6:52 Hugh Jackman and Beyonce being cheesy beyond measure with a musical medley. Make it stop.
6:57 We all admire Beyonce's curves. I hated very second of this of medley. Seat says, Beyonce can do no wrong. Baz Luhrmann is freaking adorable.
7:03 Now they trot out some former best supporting actors. Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a robber's black ski hat? Annoying. Diane Lane looks fab. Love her. We speculate about the cause white ribbons represent. No one knows. Heath Ledger is a nominee. His family is there. Heath wins. Karen called it. His mom looks like she's wearing drapes. Is it wrong to say this? It may be. Family goes to the podium. His mom is incredibly young looking. It seems like they're giving them extra time. Cut to Angelina Jolie crying, beautifully.
7:11 Documentary. It's Bill Mahr in a sharkskin suit. The room agrees he can pull it off but I find it a bit shiny. There's a green ribbon on someone's lapel. We need a key to cause ribbon colors. It's Man on Wire.
7:18 Best doc short, Smile Pinky. Director seems genuinely happy and her dress has a cool back. Best speech of the night. Pandy and I agree that she must not have been expecting to win, or she would have put on some lipstick.
7:24 Special effects montage. Will Smith looks great. We like his lapel pin. Benjamin Button wins. I have not seen any of these. But you know what was a fun movie with special effects and smoking hot Gerard Butler? 300.
7:29 On to sound. I got a little lost in my Gerard Butler reverie. His thighs are insane. Dark Knight wins. Boring ass speech. As Karen says, "here's another crowd pleaser."
7:31 More sound? Mixing? Huh? I think all the blood ran out of my brain to digest chili. Mmmm, chili. The sound guys from Slumdog who won, are sweet.
7:34 Film editing. Slumdog wins. The actors are so excited in the audience. This guy has jewelry around his tie knot. Liz observes that he looks like Moby. Danny Boyle needs to powder his shine.
7:42 Eddie Murphy looking very sharp. Black on black is working here. The room is divided in appreciation of Jerry Lewis. Karen and I do not. Liz does. Pandy says he makes her anxious because he's always about to hurt himself. But he does good works, so we must be supportive. Standing O for him. He's 82! Obvs plastic surgery. He has barely a wrinkle.
7:50 Musical medley. We discuss Appalachian children. I guess there was some Dateline special about them? Children of the Mountain.
Alicia Keys in yet another orchid dress. Very, very pretty. The eye makeup is a touch over the top. With Zac Efron presenting best score, Slumdog wins. Then there's singing and dancing and I'm lost again. I've only had one glass of wine yet I cannot follow. I drift along in a pleasant fog. La la la la! There's a wardrobe malfunction with one of the dancers and we all get a look at her flesh colored adhesive bra.
8:01 Child of Seat and Pandy comes home. We discuss what her blog name should be, but come to no consensus. Freida Pinto's dress is a nightmare, sari meets 80s era mother of the bride, though she is lovely. Departures wins best foreign language film.
8:12 Queen Latifah serenades the dead. Forgot about Isaac Hayes. Ricardo Montalban! Paul Newman, wah!
8:19 Reese Witherspoon, NO! The dress is terrible with weird netting around the straps. So disappointing, as she often looks impeccable. Seat calls bad eye makeup immediately and we all agree. Cadaverous. Best director goes to Danny Boyle for Slumdog.
8:25 Former best actresses come out. Anne Hathaway is lauded sweetly by Shirley MacLaine. Kate Winslet, not loving the hair, but love her genuine self. Can't get a good look at the dress yet. Halle Berry has a killer dress. I have no idea who Melissa Leo is. Sophia Loren looks quite odd. Kid says, She scares me! We all laugh. Nicole Kidman lauds Angelina Jolie, who is wearing a planet-size emerald ring. Karen says of Nicole, a bird flew into the front of her dress. As usual, Nicole's face has been terrified into submission by Botox. Kate wins. She's charmingly breathless. But the dress is bad, as is the hair. We forgive, because we love her.
8:37 Former best actors come out. The lauding isn't quite as heartfelt. Robert DeNiro is cute with Sean Penn. Adrien Brody, the long ratty hair is NO GOOD. We like Richard Jenkins but no one here has seen The Visitor. Liz and I agree that Brad Pitt is just not a good actor. Ben Kingsley tells us about Mickey Rourke, who looks pretty tore up from the floor up. Sean Penn takes it. We clap. Best acceptance line EVER: You commie homo loving sons of guns! I did not expect this. Hilarity ensues. Sean Penn calls out the homophobes that voted for Prop 8. Crowd goes wild. Sean throws out sweet props to Mickey Rourke. We all wish he would have thanked his wife.
8:52 Best film. I want Frost/Nixon to win. Karen tells me it won't. She's right. Slumdog Millionaire again. We discuss the shut-out and speculate that maybe it's because it's the only feel-good movie in a depressing year. All the little slumdog kids go on the stage. Seat pretends to be Angelina, pointing out her next third world child on the stage. It's funny because it's true.
Thanks for stopping by, reader!
Joining me tonight are:
Liz: educated in costume design and therefore actually qualified to critique entire categories of these awards. Imagine that.
Karen: has actually seen most of these movies. See above.
Our gracious hosts, Seat and Pandy.
Despite the fact that I often forget to brush my hair and see no problem with wearing clothes the cats nested in the prior night, I really do like to look at purty Oscar fashions frocks and --
5:33 Oh snap! This shindig starts at 5:30, not 6. Whoops. Luckily it's just Hugh Jackman acting super gay.
5:37 Okay, ready for this to be over.
5:39 Kind of enjoying Hugh acting gay. Mickey with a gold tooth. Marisa's dress looks pretty, soft dove gray color. Check her out on the red carpet here. Meryl, your hair is not working for me at all. Great dress on Amy Adams but is she wearing a hubcap around her neck?
5:43 Why are they trotting out these ladies? Seat suggests a wrestle-off between them and Mickey Rourke. We bust out howling. It's really for best supporting actress. Tilda no! You look like you're wearing a barber's drape. Penny Cruz! She is stunning. Love that nude lipstick. Whoopi! You're killing me. But that animal print muumuu is a no-no. All the ladies are crying. I love this.
5:46 We agree that Goldie does not look age-appropriate. Seat worries that one or more boobs may pop out.
5:47 Penny wins! This looks like a wedding dress. Outrageous makeup job.
5:50 Karen shows us her new chocolate brown soft leather purse with rocking hardware. We approve.
5:53 Steve Martin and whoa Tina Fey glams it up Studio 54! Not sure how I feel about it. Don't like the side bun but nice cleavage.
5:55 This is for screenplay btw.
5:56 Milk wins. Look at how happy Sean Penn is. Writer Dustin Lance Black is so gaycute. Gus Van Sant is adorable. Everyone's crying, this is so heartfelt. Robin Wright Penn looks incredible. Liz asks, is this guy 16? He makes a big gay affirmation statement! Tell it brother!
5:59 Adapted screenplay. Doesn't Meryl look insanely scary in that austere bonnet? Frost/Nixon was amazing.
6:00 Slumdog wins. Didn't see it so I'll make fashion commentary. That is a nice suit, albeit a bit shiny. Indian man necklace? WTF?
6:03 Jennifer Anniston and Jack Black. Dress is okay, hair is cute but more beachy/casual than Oscars. They had to pan to Angelina and Brad, why? This is bigger than walking on the moon, says Karen.
6:05 This is all about animation, about which I care not a whit. But Seat and Pandy, as the parents of a youngsters, have seen most of them. Pandy liked Kung Fu Panda. It's Wall-E. A big nerd accepts. Don't like that shiny tie.
6:08 Best animated short. I don't care about this. Jack Black looks cute.
6:15 Holy boobies SJP! Great dress, though, tiny little waist. Daniel Craig, barely got a look at him since I was blinded by SJP's knockers. This is art direction btw. These guys are so boring, get off the effing stage already.
6:20 Costume design. It's The Duchess. Karen informs us that Nicole Kidman is pregnant. We all go, Really?? (10:01 Karen emails to correct: it's Nicole Ritchie who's knocked-up) Dude, your speech is boring too. Please stop talking now. Pandy suggests that maybe he's drunk. Karen wonders if he has gas pains. He is kind of hunched over the podium.
6:23 Seat suggests that if SJP took a deep breath, she would pop out of her gown. We agree and wait for it. Makeup now. It's Benjamin Button.
6:25 It's the vampire Edward! We agree the straps on Amanda Seyfred's dress need to go. Looks like she's going to prom. Liz says, "picture this dress without the straps on Penelope Cruz and it would be gorgeous." It's a montage about LOVE.
6:28 We take a break to eat Pandy's delicious chili and cornbread.
6:31 Or not. It's Natalie Portman and Ben Stiller mocking Joaquin Phoenix. She looks stunning in a pinky-purple gown. Pandy calls it "orchid," and we agree that is the right word. We're dying of laughter from how hard Ben is ripping on Joaquin. Nat says "you look like you work at a Hasidic meth lab." Ha! Slumdog again for cinematography.
6:39 Jessica Biel presents. Pandy says "it looks like she just rolled out of bed and wrapped a sheet around herself." Then she says, "look at her neck, it's all red. It looks like she just had sex." We agree, briefly debate sex flush v. beard burn, then eat more chili.
6:42 Seth Rogen looks so skinny! He and James Franco do the stoner thing. It's sorta funny. Don't understand. Am I stoned? It's short film, know nothing about this. Some German guy. We discuss the black tux with a black shirt. Karen says, looks like a waiter. We think the bow tie ruined it. The shirt is weirdly striped and too shiny. Thumbs down.
6:52 Hugh Jackman and Beyonce being cheesy beyond measure with a musical medley. Make it stop.
6:57 We all admire Beyonce's curves. I hated very second of this of medley. Seat says, Beyonce can do no wrong. Baz Luhrmann is freaking adorable.
7:03 Now they trot out some former best supporting actors. Why is Philip Seymour Hoffman wearing a robber's black ski hat? Annoying. Diane Lane looks fab. Love her. We speculate about the cause white ribbons represent. No one knows. Heath Ledger is a nominee. His family is there. Heath wins. Karen called it. His mom looks like she's wearing drapes. Is it wrong to say this? It may be. Family goes to the podium. His mom is incredibly young looking. It seems like they're giving them extra time. Cut to Angelina Jolie crying, beautifully.
7:11 Documentary. It's Bill Mahr in a sharkskin suit. The room agrees he can pull it off but I find it a bit shiny. There's a green ribbon on someone's lapel. We need a key to cause ribbon colors. It's Man on Wire.
7:18 Best doc short, Smile Pinky. Director seems genuinely happy and her dress has a cool back. Best speech of the night. Pandy and I agree that she must not have been expecting to win, or she would have put on some lipstick.
7:24 Special effects montage. Will Smith looks great. We like his lapel pin. Benjamin Button wins. I have not seen any of these. But you know what was a fun movie with special effects and smoking hot Gerard Butler? 300.
7:29 On to sound. I got a little lost in my Gerard Butler reverie. His thighs are insane. Dark Knight wins. Boring ass speech. As Karen says, "here's another crowd pleaser."
7:31 More sound? Mixing? Huh? I think all the blood ran out of my brain to digest chili. Mmmm, chili. The sound guys from Slumdog who won, are sweet.
7:34 Film editing. Slumdog wins. The actors are so excited in the audience. This guy has jewelry around his tie knot. Liz observes that he looks like Moby. Danny Boyle needs to powder his shine.
7:42 Eddie Murphy looking very sharp. Black on black is working here. The room is divided in appreciation of Jerry Lewis. Karen and I do not. Liz does. Pandy says he makes her anxious because he's always about to hurt himself. But he does good works, so we must be supportive. Standing O for him. He's 82! Obvs plastic surgery. He has barely a wrinkle.
7:50 Musical medley. We discuss Appalachian children. I guess there was some Dateline special about them? Children of the Mountain.
Alicia Keys in yet another orchid dress. Very, very pretty. The eye makeup is a touch over the top. With Zac Efron presenting best score, Slumdog wins. Then there's singing and dancing and I'm lost again. I've only had one glass of wine yet I cannot follow. I drift along in a pleasant fog. La la la la! There's a wardrobe malfunction with one of the dancers and we all get a look at her flesh colored adhesive bra.
8:01 Child of Seat and Pandy comes home. We discuss what her blog name should be, but come to no consensus. Freida Pinto's dress is a nightmare, sari meets 80s era mother of the bride, though she is lovely. Departures wins best foreign language film.
8:12 Queen Latifah serenades the dead. Forgot about Isaac Hayes. Ricardo Montalban! Paul Newman, wah!
8:19 Reese Witherspoon, NO! The dress is terrible with weird netting around the straps. So disappointing, as she often looks impeccable. Seat calls bad eye makeup immediately and we all agree. Cadaverous. Best director goes to Danny Boyle for Slumdog.
8:25 Former best actresses come out. Anne Hathaway is lauded sweetly by Shirley MacLaine. Kate Winslet, not loving the hair, but love her genuine self. Can't get a good look at the dress yet. Halle Berry has a killer dress. I have no idea who Melissa Leo is. Sophia Loren looks quite odd. Kid says, She scares me! We all laugh. Nicole Kidman lauds Angelina Jolie, who is wearing a planet-size emerald ring. Karen says of Nicole, a bird flew into the front of her dress. As usual, Nicole's face has been terrified into submission by Botox. Kate wins. She's charmingly breathless. But the dress is bad, as is the hair. We forgive, because we love her.
8:37 Former best actors come out. The lauding isn't quite as heartfelt. Robert DeNiro is cute with Sean Penn. Adrien Brody, the long ratty hair is NO GOOD. We like Richard Jenkins but no one here has seen The Visitor. Liz and I agree that Brad Pitt is just not a good actor. Ben Kingsley tells us about Mickey Rourke, who looks pretty tore up from the floor up. Sean Penn takes it. We clap. Best acceptance line EVER: You commie homo loving sons of guns! I did not expect this. Hilarity ensues. Sean Penn calls out the homophobes that voted for Prop 8. Crowd goes wild. Sean throws out sweet props to Mickey Rourke. We all wish he would have thanked his wife.
8:52 Best film. I want Frost/Nixon to win. Karen tells me it won't. She's right. Slumdog Millionaire again. We discuss the shut-out and speculate that maybe it's because it's the only feel-good movie in a depressing year. All the little slumdog kids go on the stage. Seat pretends to be Angelina, pointing out her next third world child on the stage. It's funny because it's true.
Thanks for stopping by, reader!
Live Group Blogging the Oscars
Reader, come back at 6pm PST to catch the Oscars live blog. I've seen two of the five best picture nominees, which makes me more qualified to blog about this than anyone else. See you soon.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Outsourcing Clinical Drug Trials Plus Friday Fluff
Reader, gah. It is the end of a workweek, not even a full-length week, and I am crisp. I am very much looking forward to taking my hot cocoa into the tub with the fourth, last Twilight book and breathing through my mouth. But since I have your best procrastination at heart, I leave you with these blog nuggets.
The outsourcing trend has started to blossom big time with clinical drug trials. Since the only reason to outsource that I'm aware of is to save money (open to hearing other ideas), I'm naturally suspicious that this does not spell good news for inhabitants of these other countries. I take the point of this article, that there are currently no widespread ethical concerns with this practice but if history of how we do our business in developing countries is any indicator, something funky is happening, we just don't know it yet. And, as we know when the Heparin hit the fan here and in China, the FDA's global reach is virtually non-existent. I'm staying tuned on this one.
Moving to more weighty subjects, internet radio station Pandora really wants me to listen to Imogen Heap and Frou Frou. I happily oblige.
Here's Heap's trance-y Come Here Boy
Here's FrouFrou with Breathe In
Finally, this picture made me nearly ill from teh cuteness:
TGIF, reader.
The outsourcing trend has started to blossom big time with clinical drug trials. Since the only reason to outsource that I'm aware of is to save money (open to hearing other ideas), I'm naturally suspicious that this does not spell good news for inhabitants of these other countries. I take the point of this article, that there are currently no widespread ethical concerns with this practice but if history of how we do our business in developing countries is any indicator, something funky is happening, we just don't know it yet. And, as we know when the Heparin hit the fan here and in China, the FDA's global reach is virtually non-existent. I'm staying tuned on this one.
Moving to more weighty subjects, internet radio station Pandora really wants me to listen to Imogen Heap and Frou Frou. I happily oblige.
Here's Heap's trance-y Come Here Boy
Here's FrouFrou with Breathe In
Finally, this picture made me nearly ill from teh cuteness:
TGIF, reader.
Tuesday, February 17, 2009
Wednesday Round-Up
Well, at least she's more honest than her mom. Bristol Palin, in an interview with Greta Van Sustern, admitted that abstinence isn't realistic. Duh.
Hoo boy, remember way back when we posted about the Vermont Country Store, shiller of old school everything? They've expanded their inventory to include cock rings and vibrators. Even better, when they were flooded with outraged letters (those in most need of cock rings and a vibrators btw), the owner's son had this to say: "It turns out they wanted these products, and they spoke with their wallets." You can see their frankly impressive selection of vibrators here. And no, it's not just the lame battery operated kind.
But wait, reader, what? They also carry a product called Oooh! That's It!, 'G spot gel.' The box crows, "With the find it guide, inside!" I'm dying of laughter and need to know if this is for real. Unfortunately I could not find Ooooh! That's It! at either Babeland or Good Vibrations so I have a feeling it may not be all it's cracked up to be on the box.
Salma Hayek married that guy. Huh.
What's sexier than one Scottish accent? Two, especially if they belong to Shirley Manson of Garbage and Craig Ferguson.
California is busted-ass broke.
This tattoo made me laugh so hard.
Hoo boy, remember way back when we posted about the Vermont Country Store, shiller of old school everything? They've expanded their inventory to include cock rings and vibrators. Even better, when they were flooded with outraged letters (those in most need of cock rings and a vibrators btw), the owner's son had this to say: "It turns out they wanted these products, and they spoke with their wallets." You can see their frankly impressive selection of vibrators here. And no, it's not just the lame battery operated kind.
But wait, reader, what? They also carry a product called Oooh! That's It!, 'G spot gel.' The box crows, "With the find it guide, inside!" I'm dying of laughter and need to know if this is for real. Unfortunately I could not find Ooooh! That's It! at either Babeland or Good Vibrations so I have a feeling it may not be all it's cracked up to be on the box.
Salma Hayek married that guy. Huh.
What's sexier than one Scottish accent? Two, especially if they belong to Shirley Manson of Garbage and Craig Ferguson.
California is busted-ass broke.
This tattoo made me laugh so hard.
Sunday, February 15, 2009
Salma's Incredible Breasts Bust Up Madonna/Whore Dichotomy
Reader, perhaps you're acquainted with the magnificence that is Salma Hayek's breasts? No? Check out a recent episode of 30 Rock, in which they are featured prominently:
You may have heard about the recent brouhaha surrounding said breasts. During a trip to Sierra Leone to support the Pampers/UNICEF One Pack = One Vaccine Campaign, Salma cross breastfed a week-old infant. Check out the whole clip chronicling the issue and the campaign here. Be warned that this clip depicts the death of an infant.
What was most incredible to me wasn't Salma whipping out her boob to feed this baby but that one in three children in Sierra Leone die before the age of five. And of those, over 20% die of tetanus, for lack of a maternal vaccine that costs seven cents per dose. Seven cents, reader. One mind-boggling fact after the next. Donate to UNICEF's tetanus program here because tetanus sucks.
Almost as incredible was seeing one of the sexiest women in the media use her breasts not for the thing she is paid millions of dollars to do: nourish a baby. And why is this so shocking? According to Hoyden About Town, "because Salma Hayek’s breasts are public property, that’s why." We've seen a lot of them, that's for sure. This flagrant violation of our compact with Salma has put people in a tizz, people who "... can't decide whether to jerk off or prosecute."
Without a doubt, though, the act of feeding one baby has probably made more people aware of tetanus than a thousand UNICEF campaigns put together. I say stick it in your ear, Madonna/whore complex. Salma, you're outrageously sexy and a right on mama.
Watch more Joblo.com videos on AOL Video
You may have heard about the recent brouhaha surrounding said breasts. During a trip to Sierra Leone to support the Pampers/UNICEF One Pack = One Vaccine Campaign, Salma cross breastfed a week-old infant. Check out the whole clip chronicling the issue and the campaign here. Be warned that this clip depicts the death of an infant.
What was most incredible to me wasn't Salma whipping out her boob to feed this baby but that one in three children in Sierra Leone die before the age of five. And of those, over 20% die of tetanus, for lack of a maternal vaccine that costs seven cents per dose. Seven cents, reader. One mind-boggling fact after the next. Donate to UNICEF's tetanus program here because tetanus sucks.
Almost as incredible was seeing one of the sexiest women in the media use her breasts not for the thing she is paid millions of dollars to do: nourish a baby. And why is this so shocking? According to Hoyden About Town, "because Salma Hayek’s breasts are public property, that’s why." We've seen a lot of them, that's for sure. This flagrant violation of our compact with Salma has put people in a tizz, people who "... can't decide whether to jerk off or prosecute."
Without a doubt, though, the act of feeding one baby has probably made more people aware of tetanus than a thousand UNICEF campaigns put together. I say stick it in your ear, Madonna/whore complex. Salma, you're outrageously sexy and a right on mama.
Saturday, February 14, 2009
Happy Valentine's Day
Reader, wonderful Jenn over at Breed 'Em and Weep has written a lovely Valentine's Day post that with a helpful reminder that the name Valentine stems from the Latin word for "worthy." What a beautiful sentiment and a great opportunity to reflect on all the people in our lives worthy of our love.
Regardless of your relationship status, this day is for you.
Feel the love now.
And while you're at it, watch the Valentine's Day episode of 30 Rock.
Regardless of your relationship status, this day is for you.
Feel the love now.
And while you're at it, watch the Valentine's Day episode of 30 Rock.
Thursday, February 12, 2009
Music Monday Meets Anti-Cuteness Tuesday on Thursday
Reader jdub sent in a tip about literal videos, where the action of the video is narrated instead of the song lyrics. You'll see what I mean in a second.
Tears for Fears, Head Over Heels:
Rick Astley, Never Gonna Give You Up:
(Strikes one bad chord with a comment about Michael J. Fox but otherwise very funny)
Apropos of nothing but came across two Duran Duran videos too good not to share.
Girls on Film:
Planet Earth:
I really love how they're so into their New Romantic look here. The ruffle on Nick Rhodes' shirt threatens to engulf his entire head.
Reader, while I was looking for something cute to show you, I instead found Joaquin Phoenix, the love of my loins, going down in flames on Letterman.
To his credit, Letterman did try to engage Phoenix, who at best can be described as not himself. Eventually, he gives up and lets 'er rip: "Can you tell us about your days with the Unabomber? Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight." Since I love Joaquin this is a little painful to watch, especially when you watch the 2005 Letterman clip that showcases his charmingly adorable self. Whatever is going on with the guy, let it pass quickly.
In other not cute, but still somehow so right news, Mickey Rourke is dating Courtney Love. Professional Critic approves of these two slightly batty, plastic surgery-mauled messes getting together.
Tears for Fears, Head Over Heels:
Rick Astley, Never Gonna Give You Up:
(Strikes one bad chord with a comment about Michael J. Fox but otherwise very funny)
Apropos of nothing but came across two Duran Duran videos too good not to share.
Girls on Film:
Planet Earth:
I really love how they're so into their New Romantic look here. The ruffle on Nick Rhodes' shirt threatens to engulf his entire head.
Reader, while I was looking for something cute to show you, I instead found Joaquin Phoenix, the love of my loins, going down in flames on Letterman.
To his credit, Letterman did try to engage Phoenix, who at best can be described as not himself. Eventually, he gives up and lets 'er rip: "Can you tell us about your days with the Unabomber? Joaquin, I'm sorry you couldn't be here tonight." Since I love Joaquin this is a little painful to watch, especially when you watch the 2005 Letterman clip that showcases his charmingly adorable self. Whatever is going on with the guy, let it pass quickly.
In other not cute, but still somehow so right news, Mickey Rourke is dating Courtney Love. Professional Critic approves of these two slightly batty, plastic surgery-mauled messes getting together.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
Music Monday Meets Cuteness Tuesday
Reader, what it is. Here's some stuff Pandora has been coughing up that I want to share.
Rufus Wainwright, Vibrate. Can't embed it, but here it is. I fell bang in love with Rufus after seeing him open for Roxy Music when he was promoting Poses. Could this have been 2001? Jesus. Then saw him play twice more and had a little Rufus overload. But I'm coming back around. He's just delightful and can play the shit out of a live show. Vibrate is lovely and touching, a modern day declaration of adoration: my phone's on vibrate for you. Sweet.
Next, from the Donnie Darko soundtrack, a super cover of Tears for Fears' Mad World by Gary Jules:
Here's the TFF 1982 original. Check out the awesome hair and new wave dancing at 1:55. Oh and 2:29! Ha! Classic 80s.
I'm grooving on TFF now. Here's Pale Shelter, another great one:
One last one I can't embed, Change.
For the cuteness portion of our post, we're going to visit our friends at the awesome Fuck You, Penguin. Enjoy, reader.
Rufus Wainwright, Vibrate. Can't embed it, but here it is. I fell bang in love with Rufus after seeing him open for Roxy Music when he was promoting Poses. Could this have been 2001? Jesus. Then saw him play twice more and had a little Rufus overload. But I'm coming back around. He's just delightful and can play the shit out of a live show. Vibrate is lovely and touching, a modern day declaration of adoration: my phone's on vibrate for you. Sweet.
Next, from the Donnie Darko soundtrack, a super cover of Tears for Fears' Mad World by Gary Jules:
Here's the TFF 1982 original. Check out the awesome hair and new wave dancing at 1:55. Oh and 2:29! Ha! Classic 80s.
I'm grooving on TFF now. Here's Pale Shelter, another great one:
One last one I can't embed, Change.
For the cuteness portion of our post, we're going to visit our friends at the awesome Fuck You, Penguin. Enjoy, reader.
Monday, February 09, 2009
The Wrestler
I thought I was on the mend from a vile illness so I went out with some friends to see The Wrestler on Saturday. I've been wanting to see this ever since hearing a great interview with director Darren Aronofsky on NPR. You can listen to the podcast here. Aronofsky directed Pi and Requiem for a Dream, amongst others, and is married to gorgeous Rachel Weisz. Here's a totally gratuitous picture of Rachel:
So when I pictured Mickey Rourke, I kinda saw something like this, a scene from Body Heat:
Granted this was 1981. But something has contributed to his incredible transformation, far beyond what twenty plus years can do. There's speculation about plastic surgery gone wrong and steroid use, both of which he alternately confirms and denies.
Here's the trailer for The Wrestler:
See what I mean? Anyway, the movie was good, if by good you mean alternately devastating and depressing. I think he did a good job but not sure how his performance stacks against the other nominees. Sean Penn was wonderful in the role of Milk; the only other movie I have seen from that list. Marisa Tomei, who was also nominated for her role in The Wrestler, doesn't wear a lot in this movie, and although I was unmoved by her performance, she looks incredible.
I was fast asleep when this happened but Seth Myers is continuing the "Really" segment on Weekend Update that he did with the much missed Amy Poehler, this time taking aim at the stupid outrage surrounding Michael Phelps getting stoned:
So when I pictured Mickey Rourke, I kinda saw something like this, a scene from Body Heat:
Granted this was 1981. But something has contributed to his incredible transformation, far beyond what twenty plus years can do. There's speculation about plastic surgery gone wrong and steroid use, both of which he alternately confirms and denies.
Here's the trailer for The Wrestler:
See what I mean? Anyway, the movie was good, if by good you mean alternately devastating and depressing. I think he did a good job but not sure how his performance stacks against the other nominees. Sean Penn was wonderful in the role of Milk; the only other movie I have seen from that list. Marisa Tomei, who was also nominated for her role in The Wrestler, doesn't wear a lot in this movie, and although I was unmoved by her performance, she looks incredible.
I was fast asleep when this happened but Seth Myers is continuing the "Really" segment on Weekend Update that he did with the much missed Amy Poehler, this time taking aim at the stupid outrage surrounding Michael Phelps getting stoned:
Friday, February 06, 2009
Hi Ho, It's Porn
Appropriate blog fodder is something I'm often thinking about. What exactly should I be writing about here? Considering the humble origins of this blog, to keep me awake during a dull overnight job, pretty much anything goes. Getting a breast cyst aspirated, UTIs and yeast infections, the nasal enema, and finding butt plugs in the produce aisle at Safeway. But what have I never written about? I'll tell you what: porn.
There's a certain amount of suspension of disbelief that comes with porn that I struggle with. This is the same difficulty I have with ridiculous fantasy or sci-fi movies. Hang on a sec, let me just nestle this suggestively spurting garden hose between my mesh t-shirt-clad silicone enhanced knockers. This is how I always garden. What's that? The UPS man is here? Reader, oy.
As a literary girl, I also object to the inelegant prose that infects much porn. While I appreciate the directness of "hot squirter gets her ass jammed," it's a touch lacking as far as well-crafted sentences go.
Hypernerdy Nicholson Baker was one of the best things that happened to written smut because he was actually able to pen a completely literary, plausible, funny yet completely hot scene involving a UPS driver. It was disappointing when he stopped writing about sex and started writing about ridiculousness like World War II. Nicholson? There's lots of war scholars out there but not that many great smut writers, so please come back. I own both Vox and The Fermata (home of said UPS scenes) but as we all know, just like recipes, porn needs to be appropriately cycled to maintain that certain je nes sais shamwow.
But the written word doesn't always cut it. Sometimes you want the visual and two free hands. Does it go with saying that the rest of this post and every link that follows will be totally, completely, utterly NSFW? If you're new to the "information superhighway," that's "not safe for work." As in, don't even think about it unless you relish the idea of looking for a new job in this suck economy. Please note I am posting this on the weekend. You're welcome. If you're offended by porn, please go away now. If you're not 18 yet, please go away.
I'm a pretty big fan of the Gawker media sites, and an almost daily reader of Jezebel and Consumerist. Gawker has many other sites but the third that I frequent is Fleshbot. There's something for just about everyone here and an amazing degree of specificity in these posts, though I haven't yet encountered golden showers, poop scenes and blood sports. If that's your scene, you might be disappointed with Fleshbot's offerings.
If knocked up ladies are your thing, there's pregnancy sex. Perhaps you relish chimp-like dexterity and have a foot fetish? Then you'll like foot jobs. Try to not say WOW when you see girls that squirt. If you must, here's an otherwise pretty but emaciated lady with ultra-fake softball boobs . Perhaps masturbating men are right up your alley, so here's a wanking daddy. Though much of it sucks, here's a sprinkling of some not-so-awful girl on girl action and a well-timed foursome. If you've never heard of bukkake (the Wikipedia illustration is kind of funny), or even if you have check this out. This pool table scene has several stand-out features: she actually has pubic hair and her natural, small boobs. He's kind of an old, regular looking guy, she appears to have a real orgasm, they talk all kinds of filth in a seemingly heartfelt way, he actually comes inside her rather than pulling out for the cliched, awful money shot and when they're done, they kiss, he slaps her ass then goes to pee. Kinda sweet, actually.
Finally, though it's not porn per se, I just had to include this because it's hilarious. But she could be right. Who really knows what the Obamas are up to, anyway?
There's a certain amount of suspension of disbelief that comes with porn that I struggle with. This is the same difficulty I have with ridiculous fantasy or sci-fi movies. Hang on a sec, let me just nestle this suggestively spurting garden hose between my mesh t-shirt-clad silicone enhanced knockers. This is how I always garden. What's that? The UPS man is here? Reader, oy.
As a literary girl, I also object to the inelegant prose that infects much porn. While I appreciate the directness of "hot squirter gets her ass jammed," it's a touch lacking as far as well-crafted sentences go.
Hypernerdy Nicholson Baker was one of the best things that happened to written smut because he was actually able to pen a completely literary, plausible, funny yet completely hot scene involving a UPS driver. It was disappointing when he stopped writing about sex and started writing about ridiculousness like World War II. Nicholson? There's lots of war scholars out there but not that many great smut writers, so please come back. I own both Vox and The Fermata (home of said UPS scenes) but as we all know, just like recipes, porn needs to be appropriately cycled to maintain that certain je nes sais shamwow.
But the written word doesn't always cut it. Sometimes you want the visual and two free hands. Does it go with saying that the rest of this post and every link that follows will be totally, completely, utterly NSFW? If you're new to the "information superhighway," that's "not safe for work." As in, don't even think about it unless you relish the idea of looking for a new job in this suck economy. Please note I am posting this on the weekend. You're welcome. If you're offended by porn, please go away now. If you're not 18 yet, please go away.
I'm a pretty big fan of the Gawker media sites, and an almost daily reader of Jezebel and Consumerist. Gawker has many other sites but the third that I frequent is Fleshbot. There's something for just about everyone here and an amazing degree of specificity in these posts, though I haven't yet encountered golden showers, poop scenes and blood sports. If that's your scene, you might be disappointed with Fleshbot's offerings.
If knocked up ladies are your thing, there's pregnancy sex. Perhaps you relish chimp-like dexterity and have a foot fetish? Then you'll like foot jobs. Try to not say WOW when you see girls that squirt. If you must, here's an otherwise pretty but emaciated lady with ultra-fake softball boobs . Perhaps masturbating men are right up your alley, so here's a wanking daddy. Though much of it sucks, here's a sprinkling of some not-so-awful girl on girl action and a well-timed foursome. If you've never heard of bukkake (the Wikipedia illustration is kind of funny), or even if you have check this out. This pool table scene has several stand-out features: she actually has pubic hair and her natural, small boobs. He's kind of an old, regular looking guy, she appears to have a real orgasm, they talk all kinds of filth in a seemingly heartfelt way, he actually comes inside her rather than pulling out for the cliched, awful money shot and when they're done, they kiss, he slaps her ass then goes to pee. Kinda sweet, actually.
Finally, though it's not porn per se, I just had to include this because it's hilarious. But she could be right. Who really knows what the Obamas are up to, anyway?
Tuesday, February 03, 2009
What Else Can You Get Out of There?
Reader, remember our last anatomy lesson? I thought I needed a refresher when I read this headline: Charitable Aunt Has Kidney Removed Through Her Vagina. My qualifications to understand this are both academic and intuitive but between taking a women's biology class in college and being the lifelong owner of a vagina, I still couldn't picture how this was physically possible.
I still didn't understand it when I read the source article so I had to Google "transvaginal transplantation." Finally, one site spelled it out for the curious, the literal, and the Professional Critic: after detaching the kidney, the surgeon makes an incision in the back of the vagina, then passes the kidney through the incision into the vagina, then out to the waiting world. And to keep everything nice 'n tidy, the detached kidney is put in a plastic bag with an attached string so it can be pulled out like a tampon. Genius! Take note, reader: the wave of the future is "natural orifice translumenal endoscopic surgery."
Through this minimally invasive procedure, the list of items we can extract from our body holes is limited only by our imaginations:
Upscale blender?
Cute/ugly eco car?
Christian Bale losing his mind?
I still didn't understand it when I read the source article so I had to Google "transvaginal transplantation." Finally, one site spelled it out for the curious, the literal, and the Professional Critic: after detaching the kidney, the surgeon makes an incision in the back of the vagina, then passes the kidney through the incision into the vagina, then out to the waiting world. And to keep everything nice 'n tidy, the detached kidney is put in a plastic bag with an attached string so it can be pulled out like a tampon. Genius! Take note, reader: the wave of the future is "natural orifice translumenal endoscopic surgery."
Through this minimally invasive procedure, the list of items we can extract from our body holes is limited only by our imaginations:
Upscale blender?
Cute/ugly eco car?
Christian Bale losing his mind?
Sunday, February 01, 2009
Live Group Blogging the Super Bowl!
Aw yeah, reader. Maybe you already knew--I have a terrifying amount of sports knowledge to share with you. The few gaps in my SIQ (sports intelligence quotient) will be filled in by my co-viewers: The Mama, BikerBoy and two other people that aren't here yet to name themselves, plus The Kid. She's only three, but mouth of babes, etc.
Stay tuned. We'll be posting throughout the game!
3:03 PC: Faith Hill is so cheesy. Who are those old guys?
3:05 PC: They're here with cheesesteaks! This will no doubt be the highlight of the game for me.
3:07 We are joined by BiggerNerdThanYou and QSpawn.
3:17 Cheesiest anthem ever. Hey, it's Sully Sullenberger!
3:20 Jennifer Hudson, meh
3:22 QS: GI Joe Rise of the Cobra? Is that a penis joke?
3:26 Good GOD when are they going to start playing? What the hell is Gen'l Petraeus doing here? Are my tax dollars paying for this shit?
3:33 They've started to play and the others are getting excited about something huge. I don't know what it is. BNTY says "if the Steelers tromp the Cardinals, I'm leaving at halftime."
3:36 Did you hear that Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are splitting up? Sad. Wait, everyone's yelling. Someone lost five yards on that.
3:37 BNTY says "This is huge right here." Oh, he made it. Everyone yells again. This is called a "touchdown."
3:38 BNTY says CHALLENGE!
3:40 Another Da Vince Code movie zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tire commercial? Audi. Kinda stylish.
3:41 BNTY guessed correctly--this is NOT a touchdown and even "huger." He's kicking a field goal. They're excited again.
3:44 WTF is this commercial for? PEPSI!!! Agh, that sucked. Doritos, kinda funny.
3:45 There's running and chaos. Now it's over. Football is boring.
3:46 Qspawn thinks that BNTY's brother makes good homebrew.
3:48 Look at that hair! Is there a person under that hair?
3:50 TheMomma says oy. She isn't Jewish, so is that offensive?
3:51 Arrested Development's Michael Cera! And Tenacious D! in a period Antiquity comedy? How much better could it get?
3:53 Fashion break. TheMomma's new Jacket is a "nice new color!" says PC.
3:54 BB won't let us get The Kid stoned...what kind of Superbowl values are those?
3:55 Those numbers on the field aren't real.
3:56 I take a Google break to see if there's a religion that mandates flower in hair wearing.
3:57 BNTY: He crossed the line of scrimmage! Oh no he didn't!
3:59 I am reminded by lynchb in Madison to cut Jennifer a little slack due to family being murdered. Sorry, Jennifer.
4:01 Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Tires. Kinda funny. QS says that was sexist. BNTY is SO excited about Fast and Furious 4. I am instructed by BNTY to catch up on The L Word, which I know nothing about. There's a long aside of QS choice of paint colors in his new house. Tongues are loosened by beer consumption.
4:04 Everyone's milling around aimlessly. Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell. Hi breasty lady in Doritos commercial! Danica in the shower has arms like a dude. Hot arms says BNTY. I like a chick that looks like she can kick the crap out of me. QS tells me that BNTY met her wife at a self-defense class where she was the teacher. It all comes together.
4:08 Commercials: Guys really hurting each other and then saying "I'm good." It's Diet Pepsi for MEN? QS can FINALLY drink diet soda! Bud horse commercial, that was pretty good.
4:11 BNTY informs us she needs to go to Hollywood and write scripts for all shows. We support her in this endeavor. Everyone yells. Another Bud horse commercial. This one was stupid. Star Trek prequel. Everyone is excited about this but me. I'm sure I'll be forced to watch this eventually with at least one of the people in this room. Love y'all!
4:14 Everyone yells again. Like this: OHHH! Very dramatic.
4:17 BNTY says her wife is going to see strippers at The Stud. I would so much rather be there. Everyone yells NICE! The hair guy missed a tackle. The hair guy is Troy P something.
4:19 The Kid announces, "I'm dirty." It's first and twenty. As if I know what that means. Suck it Nate!
4:20 SO CLOSE! The Cardinals almost make it. Then they make it! Reader, that's a "touchdown!" We get excited. Even me. Sort of.
4:26 Everyone says oooh. Depressing. Now it's "perfect coverage." We discuss how people look uncoordinated in slo-mo.
4:31 Something exciting happened but I was busy looking at pics of Michael Phelps with a bong. The Cardinals did something good. BreastMan ran far with the ball.
4:32 Something about a chop block. BNTY is disgusted. He took out the guy's legs and .. someone else was blocking him and it's bad, I guess.
4:37 Moans and groans. BNTY: The man who's paid ten of millions of dollars a year to catch the football just dropped it. Then everyone says nice. Wow. Commercial for new Pixar movie Up. I'm tired of hearing about Drinkability.
4:41 The Kid does something to the Mama and BB's computer. Jay Leno mugging from a blue sports car. BNTY just informs me of the shocking news that Jay Leno is going to be on M-F at 10pm, cutting an hour off of prime time every night. Read about it here.
4:50 Good lord could the time go any slower? Football is amazing like that. Did you all hear about the flak Bruce Springsteen is getting for releasing his album only to Wal-Mart than OMG! A Steeler just made a break for it and got a touchdown. Everyone: that's huge. Wows all around.
4:53 A 280 pound man just ran 100 yards and is now sucking down the oxygen. I'm amazed by this but everyone assures me oxygen is commonplace.
4:59 This SOBE commercial seems like an acid trip.
5:00 Halftime. Thick necked guys in suits blather on about Warner's horrible mistake. BNTY speculates that the bookies got to him.
5:02 When does the fun halftime stuff start? We discuss the wide pin-stripe suit on Mike Holmgren and agree it's unflattering and that he looks like Wilford Brimley. BB says of Dungy, "I thought I had big ears." Where's Bruce at?
5:04 We agree the commercials are boring this year, as predicted. The Mama made banging molasses cookies.
5:07 It's Bruce, wearing a lot of makeup. BNTY explains that because of HD everyone has to wear more makeup. 10th Avenue Freeze Out. Sounds bad, but I still love Bruce.
5:10 QS says, "I'd like to see his wardrobe malfunction" and then as if ON CUE, Bruce crotch slides right into the camera! We all die laughing, but no glimpse of the Boss' jewels. Born to Run.
5:13 Glory Days. We try to remember Little Steven's character name on The Sopranos. It's Silvio. QS comments that now the cameraman knows if The Boss is circumcised.
5:23 Another weirdly pin-striped suit worn by a trunk-necked man.
5:27 I cannot believe this is only half over. Not sure how much longer I'm gonna last.
5:29 Playing commences.
5:35 Something dramatic and controversial is happening. Avatars and Coke. Another tire commercial. Kinda funny Denny's commercial with wise guys.
5:42 It's Cuba Gooding Jr in the stands looking mighty haggard.
5:47 Any shred of interest I had for football has left the building. The Kid starts telling me stories.
5:49 The Kid: Once upon a time there was a boy named Big Bad Wolf and he walked along the meadow and he was playing football and some jelly was coming and mushed his face. And it hurted, a lot of it. The he went to sleep and a washcloth got the jelly off.
5:51 Kid: Now it's going to be a different story about a turtle. Once upon a time there was turtle named Bud and he was walking in the forest and there was lion coming and he said can I walk with you turtle and he said no no! And the lion said I want to, why? Why? Why? But I'm not going to let you and you're in my way and the trees. And the lion said Yeah! Can I come with you? Sure, says her. That's the turtle.
5:54 It's a foul. Unnecessary roughage?
5:56 Kid: Once upon a time there was a little tiny turtle named Chocolove. She went shopping and there was light and dark in there and it had a lot of nightlights in there so they could see because there's lot of groceries there. It was a big grocery store. That's all.
5:58 Awesome commercial for Career Builder--the best so far. Here it is.
6:03 I ask for a game brief: BNTY says the Cardinals should be out of it, but they're not. QS says The Cardinals have been doing everything they can do to lose the game, but The Steelers have not been doing their part.
6:18 Cash4Gold commercial featuring MC Hammer and Ed McMahon. This has got to be a first for the Super Bowl. Sign of the times. Funny, though.
6:20 BNTY yells Nice! Run! Run! Run real fast!
6:26 Larry Fitzgerald gets a TD for The Cardinals after a balletic leap. Hilarious commercial for Hulu featuring Alec Baldwin. Love him to bits.
6:34 Great ad for Pepsi, spoof of MacGyver featuring Kristen Wiig and Will Forte from SNL and the real MacGyver Richard Dean Anderson.
6:35 The Kid: My bum itches.
6:42 Even though I haven't the foggiest idea what's happening, I feel the tension in the room and feel the same. BNTY yells Oh, safety Safety. That's a safety. BNTY is right. That means points and the ball back. I remember this hasn't happened since Super Bowl XXV. You may have known that as well.
6:47 Wow! Amazing breakaway by Fitzgerald again! He's FAST.
6:49 Even I found that exciting.
7:01 Dramatic TD by Steelers with 35 seconds left. I'm a little disappointed.
7:09 Drama in the last moment. But they're not reviewing the play. Huh. Game over.
Phew! Another Super Bowl over. Thanks for stopping by, reader.
Stay tuned. We'll be posting throughout the game!
3:03 PC: Faith Hill is so cheesy. Who are those old guys?
3:05 PC: They're here with cheesesteaks! This will no doubt be the highlight of the game for me.
3:07 We are joined by BiggerNerdThanYou and QSpawn.
3:17 Cheesiest anthem ever. Hey, it's Sully Sullenberger!
3:20 Jennifer Hudson, meh
3:22 QS: GI Joe Rise of the Cobra? Is that a penis joke?
3:26 Good GOD when are they going to start playing? What the hell is Gen'l Petraeus doing here? Are my tax dollars paying for this shit?
3:33 They've started to play and the others are getting excited about something huge. I don't know what it is. BNTY says "if the Steelers tromp the Cardinals, I'm leaving at halftime."
3:36 Did you hear that Sarah Jessica Parker and Matthew Broderick are splitting up? Sad. Wait, everyone's yelling. Someone lost five yards on that.
3:37 BNTY says "This is huge right here." Oh, he made it. Everyone yells again. This is called a "touchdown."
3:38 BNTY says CHALLENGE!
3:40 Another Da Vince Code movie zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz. Tire commercial? Audi. Kinda stylish.
3:41 BNTY guessed correctly--this is NOT a touchdown and even "huger." He's kicking a field goal. They're excited again.
3:44 WTF is this commercial for? PEPSI!!! Agh, that sucked. Doritos, kinda funny.
3:45 There's running and chaos. Now it's over. Football is boring.
3:46 Qspawn thinks that BNTY's brother makes good homebrew.
3:48 Look at that hair! Is there a person under that hair?
3:50 TheMomma says oy. She isn't Jewish, so is that offensive?
3:51 Arrested Development's Michael Cera! And Tenacious D! in a period Antiquity comedy? How much better could it get?
3:53 Fashion break. TheMomma's new Jacket is a "nice new color!" says PC.
3:54 BB won't let us get The Kid stoned...what kind of Superbowl values are those?
3:55 Those numbers on the field aren't real.
3:56 I take a Google break to see if there's a religion that mandates flower in hair wearing.
3:57 BNTY: He crossed the line of scrimmage! Oh no he didn't!
3:59 I am reminded by lynchb in Madison to cut Jennifer a little slack due to family being murdered. Sorry, Jennifer.
4:01 Mr. and Mrs. Potato Head? Tires. Kinda funny. QS says that was sexist. BNTY is SO excited about Fast and Furious 4. I am instructed by BNTY to catch up on The L Word, which I know nothing about. There's a long aside of QS choice of paint colors in his new house. Tongues are loosened by beer consumption.
4:04 Everyone's milling around aimlessly. Land of the Lost with Will Ferrell. Hi breasty lady in Doritos commercial! Danica in the shower has arms like a dude. Hot arms says BNTY. I like a chick that looks like she can kick the crap out of me. QS tells me that BNTY met her wife at a self-defense class where she was the teacher. It all comes together.
4:08 Commercials: Guys really hurting each other and then saying "I'm good." It's Diet Pepsi for MEN? QS can FINALLY drink diet soda! Bud horse commercial, that was pretty good.
4:11 BNTY informs us she needs to go to Hollywood and write scripts for all shows. We support her in this endeavor. Everyone yells. Another Bud horse commercial. This one was stupid. Star Trek prequel. Everyone is excited about this but me. I'm sure I'll be forced to watch this eventually with at least one of the people in this room. Love y'all!
4:14 Everyone yells again. Like this: OHHH! Very dramatic.
4:17 BNTY says her wife is going to see strippers at The Stud. I would so much rather be there. Everyone yells NICE! The hair guy missed a tackle. The hair guy is Troy P something.
4:19 The Kid announces, "I'm dirty." It's first and twenty. As if I know what that means. Suck it Nate!
4:20 SO CLOSE! The Cardinals almost make it. Then they make it! Reader, that's a "touchdown!" We get excited. Even me. Sort of.
4:26 Everyone says oooh. Depressing. Now it's "perfect coverage." We discuss how people look uncoordinated in slo-mo.
4:31 Something exciting happened but I was busy looking at pics of Michael Phelps with a bong. The Cardinals did something good. BreastMan ran far with the ball.
4:32 Something about a chop block. BNTY is disgusted. He took out the guy's legs and .. someone else was blocking him and it's bad, I guess.
4:37 Moans and groans. BNTY: The man who's paid ten of millions of dollars a year to catch the football just dropped it. Then everyone says nice. Wow. Commercial for new Pixar movie Up. I'm tired of hearing about Drinkability.
4:41 The Kid does something to the Mama and BB's computer. Jay Leno mugging from a blue sports car. BNTY just informs me of the shocking news that Jay Leno is going to be on M-F at 10pm, cutting an hour off of prime time every night. Read about it here.
4:50 Good lord could the time go any slower? Football is amazing like that. Did you all hear about the flak Bruce Springsteen is getting for releasing his album only to Wal-Mart than OMG! A Steeler just made a break for it and got a touchdown. Everyone: that's huge. Wows all around.
4:53 A 280 pound man just ran 100 yards and is now sucking down the oxygen. I'm amazed by this but everyone assures me oxygen is commonplace.
4:59 This SOBE commercial seems like an acid trip.
5:00 Halftime. Thick necked guys in suits blather on about Warner's horrible mistake. BNTY speculates that the bookies got to him.
5:02 When does the fun halftime stuff start? We discuss the wide pin-stripe suit on Mike Holmgren and agree it's unflattering and that he looks like Wilford Brimley. BB says of Dungy, "I thought I had big ears." Where's Bruce at?
5:04 We agree the commercials are boring this year, as predicted. The Mama made banging molasses cookies.
5:07 It's Bruce, wearing a lot of makeup. BNTY explains that because of HD everyone has to wear more makeup. 10th Avenue Freeze Out. Sounds bad, but I still love Bruce.
5:10 QS says, "I'd like to see his wardrobe malfunction" and then as if ON CUE, Bruce crotch slides right into the camera! We all die laughing, but no glimpse of the Boss' jewels. Born to Run.
5:13 Glory Days. We try to remember Little Steven's character name on The Sopranos. It's Silvio. QS comments that now the cameraman knows if The Boss is circumcised.
5:23 Another weirdly pin-striped suit worn by a trunk-necked man.
5:27 I cannot believe this is only half over. Not sure how much longer I'm gonna last.
5:29 Playing commences.
5:35 Something dramatic and controversial is happening. Avatars and Coke. Another tire commercial. Kinda funny Denny's commercial with wise guys.
5:42 It's Cuba Gooding Jr in the stands looking mighty haggard.
5:47 Any shred of interest I had for football has left the building. The Kid starts telling me stories.
5:49 The Kid: Once upon a time there was a boy named Big Bad Wolf and he walked along the meadow and he was playing football and some jelly was coming and mushed his face. And it hurted, a lot of it. The he went to sleep and a washcloth got the jelly off.
5:51 Kid: Now it's going to be a different story about a turtle. Once upon a time there was turtle named Bud and he was walking in the forest and there was lion coming and he said can I walk with you turtle and he said no no! And the lion said I want to, why? Why? Why? But I'm not going to let you and you're in my way and the trees. And the lion said Yeah! Can I come with you? Sure, says her. That's the turtle.
5:54 It's a foul. Unnecessary roughage?
5:56 Kid: Once upon a time there was a little tiny turtle named Chocolove. She went shopping and there was light and dark in there and it had a lot of nightlights in there so they could see because there's lot of groceries there. It was a big grocery store. That's all.
5:58 Awesome commercial for Career Builder--the best so far. Here it is.
6:03 I ask for a game brief: BNTY says the Cardinals should be out of it, but they're not. QS says The Cardinals have been doing everything they can do to lose the game, but The Steelers have not been doing their part.
6:18 Cash4Gold commercial featuring MC Hammer and Ed McMahon. This has got to be a first for the Super Bowl. Sign of the times. Funny, though.
6:20 BNTY yells Nice! Run! Run! Run real fast!
6:26 Larry Fitzgerald gets a TD for The Cardinals after a balletic leap. Hilarious commercial for Hulu featuring Alec Baldwin. Love him to bits.
6:34 Great ad for Pepsi, spoof of MacGyver featuring Kristen Wiig and Will Forte from SNL and the real MacGyver Richard Dean Anderson.
6:35 The Kid: My bum itches.
6:42 Even though I haven't the foggiest idea what's happening, I feel the tension in the room and feel the same. BNTY yells Oh, safety Safety. That's a safety. BNTY is right. That means points and the ball back. I remember this hasn't happened since Super Bowl XXV. You may have known that as well.
6:47 Wow! Amazing breakaway by Fitzgerald again! He's FAST.
6:49 Even I found that exciting.
7:01 Dramatic TD by Steelers with 35 seconds left. I'm a little disappointed.
7:09 Drama in the last moment. But they're not reviewing the play. Huh. Game over.
Phew! Another Super Bowl over. Thanks for stopping by, reader.
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