When One Door Closes

Grrr, Netflix. The first season of The Riches has been sitting in my q with a "long wait" FOREVER. But! They did recommend Shameless, a British series which is hilariously dark, or darkly hilarious if you like. The lovely James McAvoy stars. Two thumbs way up.

Harder to feel good about are rumors that nutter Tom Cruise is sending wife-bot Katie to Scientology 'boot camp,' complete with 24-hour surveillance. Still ... she wasn't living under a rock and she seems like a smart girl. Surely she had some idea of the crazy she was signing up for?

Mariah Carey has gotten engaged to some guy named Nick Cannon and is wearing a ring that his ex-fiancee wore. How do we feel about that? I'm thinking maybe hock the ring and buy a new one, no?

TGIF

This almost makes up for not being in Kauai right now.

Aloha! Last Day Bonus Post!

We're about to head off to the airport, but here's a little movie from Poi'pu yesterday. Weep.

Aloha! Two Days In One

Today (Tuesday) is our last full day in Kauai. Wah! We never want to leave and are considering calling in sick for the rest of the year.

Yesterday, we went back north, to the Kilauea Light Station and animal preserve. In this gorgeous cove below (tilt your head), we saw two honu floating around, which promptly disappeared once they sensed our desire to document them.



This is a magical place--for you west coast peeps, it reminded me a lot of Point Lobos State Reserve.

Then we went to 'Anini Beach, an absolutely gorgeous and calm strip of coast. There's lots of houses for sale right across the street--you can see why they're a bazillion dollars. Off in the distance there you can see the strip of jutting out land--that's the Kilauea lighthouse.



Today, our very last day, we went to the amazing Kauai Hindu Monastery. The lush grounds are ridiculously beautiful and as if you need to gild this lily, they're hand carving a granite temple, too. Check out the links on their site for the building progress.



After this, we had a delicious breakfast at the Ono Family Restaurant--I recommend the tropical pancakes made with banana, coconut and macadamia nuts, topped with coconut syrup. Yum. Then Liz had a Hawaiian sea salt exfoliating treatment and came back glowing.

Later we headed to Poi'pu State Beach, where we were greeted by this rambunctious monk seal:



I snorkeled and saw lots of really cool fish whose names I don't know but just picture a tropical fish tank and you get the idea. Then we saw honu! The pictures didn't come out so hot, but this is the best one:



Tomorrow we go home and we're kind of sad about it.

Aloha! And So On.

Today we drove up to the north shore, where the road ends at Ke'e Beach and the start of the Kalalau Trail. I did a short part of the trail, probably not more than a mile and it was very beautiful, and is it sacrilegious to say it looked a lot like Mendocino? Then a bit of snorkeling, where I saw those same slightly boring fish, then a few others. Te weather was a little odd, I guess this is how it is up there: bright sun, then clouds, then rain, then sun, repeat this cycle every two minutes and you get the picture.

We headed down to Hanalei, a very cute little town for some shopping and lunch. Here's the Hawaiian variety plate: shredded pork, cabbage and rice, with sides of ahi poke and lomi lomi.



Then we were off to Princeville, which is a slightly weird pseudo-gated community full of golf courses and fancy cookie cutter houses. But one things Princeville does have going for it is The Queen's Bath:



Incredible.

Aloha! Etc.

Yesterday we stayed local. Liz got her toes done at Soul Play, a very cool salon where you should go if you're in Kapa'a and in need of a pedicure. As we all know, the beach is hell on a pedicure so this may not be as far-fetched as it sounds initially.




Then we went to Lydgate Park, whose rock-enclosed swim area blocking big waves, makes a perfect swim and snorkel area for children, seniors and me. Liz got a picture of me coming out of the water James Bond style but unfortunately the camera cord is at home, so just picture it: alternately pale and sunburned, muffin-topped middle aged lady slogging out of the surf. I plan to audition for the next 007 movie. I did get a picture of Liz, in her tankini. Note her freshly painted toes.



I did snorkel, if you can call swimming around with just the mask, snorkeling. I've decided that you can, so while I was snorkeling, I saw some fish. They were kind of boring but I didn't hold it against them as I was excited about it, and really, it's not their fault that they're somewhat drab and not sea turtles. I expect to see more exciting sea life today as we're heading off to the North Shore.

Aloha! The Day After That

This morning I took a walk to the beach behind our hotel.



I even did a little Tai Chi on the beach, all the while battling the horrible cheesiness of it.

Liz was not feeling 100% so I went off to Poi'pu solo, first taking a walk on Maha'ulepu Beach. Can I get a wow?



Then you walk up, onto some cliffs for some really dramatic views of the crashing surf below.



No, you're not drunk--the picture is oriented the wrong way. I don't have time to futz with it so you'll just have to tilt your head for the correct effect. By the way if anyone knows a way to speed up the process of uploading pics to Blogger or videos to YouTube, please chime in. I know I'm supposed to be embracing 'it's all good' island style philosophy but for the love of GOD I don't have all day! I have a video of this place but I'll post it later when I'm not feeling so very impatient New Yorker.

Later I went to Poi'pu State Beach, definitely a good beach for swimming versus drowning, where I saw my very first sea turtle paddling not three feet away from me. Holy cow, those things are huge and utterly pre-historic looking. I'm looking forward to getting some snorkel gear today and seeing hanu underwater.

Then another lunch with my new best friend: ahi poke and seaweed salad, this time from the Koloa Fish Market.



Note that the fork says "Aloha." Isn't that nice?

Now we must go--Liz has a hot date to get her toes done and then we're off to Lydgate Beach, which is supposedly also a good beach for not drowning.

Aloha! The Next Day

Today we went to Waimea Canyon, on the west coast of the island. You drive and drive a curvy road up, up, up, stopping at various scenic overlooks along the way, where you run into a couple from the east coast who at first strike you as friendly and helpful until you realize the man lacks the ability to read social cues, such as clear body language that says oh god please stop talking and more obvious cues like "gee we don't want to keep you from your very last day in Kauai!" then finally just walk back to the car while he's still talking forcing you to avoid them the rest of the day--but then! you make a little movie:



Okay, keep driving up and up then voila! You're there at the main overlook with a thousand senior citizens pouring out of their tour buses, but what an incredible view:



Then we bought some yummy snacks: dried bananas and dried sweet potatoes, both drenched in honey--so, so sweet and strangely addictive. But then! Keep going up an alternately well-paved and hideously potholed road and you're practically on the north cost of the island, the Na Pali coast. My pictures did not come out well but you can see much better ones here. Note we only saw a slice of this from the last overlook at the end of Waimea Canyon but it really does look like that--incredibly jagged lush green spires, the bluest of waters. Oh, and lots of dragonflies the size of Mini Coopers buzzing around. Totally stunning--everyone stops talking when they take in the view, it's that amazing. We're considering the helicopter tour--it's spendy and what if I ail? Still, seems a better choice for me than a boat.

We stopped a bunch on the way back, Hanapepe, a cool little artist's town, where we decide to go back on gallery night, Glass Beach which is oddly situated behind a dumping station and what look like gas refineries, a bit of a weird slightly creepy vibe here but pretty cool, another local poke dive where I had my first taste of lau lau: a giant chunk of fatty ass pork cooked in taro leaves. Yum. Liz ordered and ate more ahi poke which while tasty, was not as good as yesterday's, and salmon lomi lomi, which sort of seemed like ceviche. Then Salt Pond Beach, where I finally got in the water. Though this is one of the calmer beaches, I would have no problem drowning here. They are really not kidding when they say to be careful in the water. Later, we stopped at a fahncy hotel in Poipu for a drink:



And a walk on Shipwreck Beach with freaking huge waves pummeling the crap out of some intrepid souls surfing there.

Then ... we went to Wal-Mart. Lizh and I are already planning our reparations for this trip, since we both swore off of Wal-Mart a while back (if you've not seen this, it's high time), but my sister assured me this was the best place to get coffee. You can buy poi there and lau lau and there's like 3 aisles of flip flops, which makes it much more interesting than any other Wal Mart I've ever been to, but still.

And somehow I'm sunburned, which I'm sure has nothing to do with the fact that I only put on sunscreen in the middle of the day because it was cloudy before that! And raining! And Professional Critic learns a painful lesson about how harmful UV rays are present even when the sun isn't shining.

Aloha!

Hello reader! We arrived in Lihue yesterday morning only two hours after we took off from San Francisco. That's really a five hour flight, but you know time diff and all. Did you all realize that Hawaii was so far away from the west coast? I sure didn't. It's just as far as going to New York. I didn't take many pics yesterday because I was so tired I could hardly walk straight. As expected from the pictures, our condo is wicked mid-80s decor, badly in need of a makeover. Kim, come quick--if this room doesn't get updated soon I may need to bust out my hot pink Vidal Sasson jeans and feather my hair.

Shortly after arriving, we went into Kapa'a for some grub. Armed with recommendations from Lonely Planet, we hit the jackpot. For me, amazing ahi sesame poke, cubes of buttery tuna with sesame oil and seaweed, and a side of seaweed salad. --for $5. This made up for the shock we got later at Safeway--anyone for a $6 loaf of crappy sandwich bread? No? How about a $17 dollar bottle of olive oil? You'll pass? Us, too. Then we proceeded to a funky outdoor cafe where Liz had a big chicken satay wrap stuffed with brown rice, veggies and peanut sauce, washed down with hibiscus lemonade. We are definitely going to eat well this trip.

This morning I took a walk to the beach and on the way were lot of cool birds running around and of course the ubiquitous and slightly scary wild rooster. They did not want to be photographed nor does PC have a telephoto lens so you'll just have to take my word for it and check out this huge, slow-moving and therefore very photographable snail:

Wide-Eyed Innocence Up in Flames

You know the super-catchy song on the Mac Air commercial? This one:



It's Israeli Yael Naim doing her version of the quirkily irresistible Feisty shtick. Fun, right? But she becomes ever-more interesting as she torches and scorches out Britney's Toxic:



Getting your song chosen by Mac must be career-changing like Oprah picking your book.

Professional Critic Breaks a Sweat Lying Down

I'm back, after a rather whirlwind two days away for work related things which we all know better than to discuss on our personal blogs. I was near what they call 'the happiest place on earth,' where it's perfectly acceptable for grown adults to wear mouse ears and for little girls to ugh don the white-sequined variety some with triple ugh, attached bridal veils. The less said about that, the better.

But I came back ad suddenly it's like a thousand degrees here in the Bay area and my little apartment is a sauna, the kind that smells of kitten shit. Though they feel neglected and accusatory, even the cats could only muster enough energy to bitch at me for a few minutes and then we all collapsed on the floor, letting the ceiling fan swirl the muggy air over us again and again.

Monday, Monday

They tried to make me go to rehab, but I said

no

no

no

Weekend Pleasures

Lordy lou, if you you're not a reader of Jezebel then maybe you've never seen their weekly advice show Pot Psychology. Please take measures to address this immediately, and hey? don't read this at work. You'll thank me later on both counts.

Professional Critic, Bamboozled

But fun things first: Stuff White People Like will make you laugh, even if at times somewhat uncomfortably. I sure did recognize myself in many of these things, like The Wire and ouch! Knowing What's Best for Poor People. Good stuff.

But not so good? Learning that the ideas that have been shoved down Professional Critic's throat about her high cholesterol by well-intentioned doctors, the mainstream media and the nutrition industry are totally wrong. Sure we've all heard the latest, that cholesterol drugs are very good at lowering your cholesterol but not as good at keeping you alive, but somehow I never got the memo that there is actually no link between dietary cholesterol and cholesterol in your blood. Oh, and? That there may be no link between high cholesterol and heart disease! And finally! That there are more poor health outcomes associated with low cholesterol for women than high cholesterol! Oh! But how can that be? The handout my doctor gave me told me to eat no more than one egg a week, skinless chicken and no red meat, which was generously supplied by the good people at Lipitor says otherwise. How could I have been so hopelessly naive? Probably because I was afraid of having a stroke. Damn.

So I have some reading to do: The Cholesterol Myths, Real Food, probably some other stuff, too since you know I think everyone's a crackpot.

Oh yeah! I almost forgot to tell you! I took a Scientology personality test online and am consequently being bombarded with emails urging me to schedule a meeting to learn my results. I'm promised a "graph," I know I won't be able to resist.