Saturday Share

I know it looks like I already posted today and though it was technically after midnight last night when I finished, that post was really for Friday. And the person whose wireless I'm stealing had the nerve again to move his (I'm more comfortable with the idea of stealing from a man if you must know--they still make more money than women so let's just call it a Robin Hood thing and not just that I'm a cheap bastard, mmkay?) router/receiver/whatever the f that thing is called, forcing me to retreat into the bedroom where I can get a decent signal from some other fat cat dude. Indulge me in this ridiculous fantasy, thanks so much.

Back to business. Thank you baby Jesus in the manger, the fourth season of The Wire has come out! Have you not ever seen this show? Please take a moment for quiet self-reflection, for something is horribly amiss with your priorities in life. Just do yourself a favor and just rent the first season. If you don't think it's one of the best things you've ever seen in television or movies, then I'll say no more and allow you to go back to watching Yes, Dear or whatever it is that people who have no idea what good television is watch. No judgment here.

I recently started taking an online web design class. It's like HTML, guppie division--so far I've learned how to do this and this and a few other things that Blogger doesn't seem to like so I'll have to go back and see if I'm doing it right. And? Although I've switched to Firefox from Safari because dang it really is better, I'm still coding my stuff the old fashioned way and not using the Blogger shortcuts even though I moaned mightily about having to do it. That's just my way.

Now I see that my little computer is telling me "Could not contact Blogger.com" and I don't know why not because my stolen signal looks just fine and grrr I've had just enough of your lip, Blogger.

Friday Night Round-Up

Gee whiz. My last post was about Britney and just a few days later I get to report that her newly-pregnant 16 year-old sister is on pace to best her in the hot mess department. I guess their mom won't be publishing a parenting book after all, which seems like a right move. How it even crossed the mind of Mrs. Spears that the public could benefit from her parenting advice boggles the mind but then again Joe Simpson has bragged to the press about his daughter's breasts. There must be different standards in the celebrity world that deem such seemingly cringe-worthy behavior as good parenting, not at all offensive or inappropriate.

I loved this article about store cats in NY city keeping delis and markets rodent-free. Unfortunately health inspectors cite code which prohibits animals around food preparation and want store owners to instead pay for chemical extermination. Let's file that under "completely stupid." Do we really prefer to introduce toxic chemicals which no doubt end up on the food and in the groundwater or introduce a natural predator that can dispense with the problem easily and have a swell time doing it?

Better a cat hair than rat hair. Stop picking on the store cats! It's the green solution. Also, have you ever smelled a rotting rodent carcass trapped behind a wall? It's so foul. Jac and Winger should consider renting out their kitty Nellie to markets with rodent problems. She is a murderess of the highest order.

Hot Mess, In Syrup

Check out the new Britney video for "Piece of Me". While not abjectly horrible, Brit lumbers along sluggishly as she did at the VMAs and in the Gimme More video. A stretch to call it choreography, the dance moves consist largely of Brit tossing her weave around and pouting, as though the director was just so grateful she showed up and sat for hair and makeup he decided not to push his luck by asking her to do anything except stand around and sway a bit.

Ah, to return to the days of Slave 4 U.

Human Oddities

This might cause me to lose sleep tonight. Today I read about a little girl in China who had a third arm growing out of her back. This picture alone is enough to haunt my dreams for years.

It's a snowball effect. I then can't stop myself from reading about the little girl who had the remains of her two deceased siblings in her abdomen. "One of the bodies was complete except for limbs but the second had only a head with hairs and part of its digestive system." A vision of which will be emblazoned inside my eyeballs as I try to fall asleep tonight.

Please God, make me stop. Then of course, there's tumors with teeth and hair. Just as I'm drifting off, I'll see that mass of fat, hair and teeth and bolt upright in my bed in a cold sweat.

But I have to admit--I love the last paragraph mini-lecture about the proper way to prep a teratoma for photographing. Someone tell Dirty Jobs about this.

Drop 12 Grand at Target in Five Minutes

I read recently in a trusted news source (Perez) that Eva Longoria was seen spending $12, 000 at Target. I like Target as much as the next gal, and can certainly drop some cash there, but by that I mean $50, $100 if I buy clothes, too-$150 on a totally crazy day. But $12,000? I just didn't think it was possible.

Leather sofa:
$2, 999

Two throw pillows:
<$239.98

Throw blanket:
$59.99

Glass entertainment center:
$1199.99

Flat screen TV:
$6,899

DVD Home Theater System
$499.99

But I was wrong.

I'd Like To File a Complaint

Hi. Is this the window to register official complaints? Okay, well, this week as you might know I was ailing with a very disagreeable stomach bug. But I went to work Friday like a trooper even though they were having a breakfast and the whole building reeked of scrambled eggs and sausage which covered up the smell of all the decomposing mice behind the walls, which came back with a vengeance in the late afternoon. It was all very tenuous, but with many fresh air breaks, I made it.

On my way home from work I drove past a taqueria and thoughts of grilled chicken super burritos invaded my head and I felt horribly nauseous, picturing sour cream and guacamole oozing out of a tortilla gah, but I could stop thinking about super burritos and think instead about something very neutral like orderly rows of three-ring view binders, and that feeling went away. Which is real progress.

But then before bedtime I started to feel funny, not haha, my throat kind of hurt and my ear ached, bad sign for me, so I took an Emergen-C, hoping it wouldn't set off a riot in my guts, and went to bed. And then? I woke up this morning definitely sick. Sore throat, headache, tired, achy and really fucking irritated. So that's why I'm here.

What? You have something for me? Is this a prescription? Financial compensation for my suffering? Okay, okay, I'll read it!

Dear Professional Critic:

Suck it up.

Love,
The Universe

Oh.

Word of the Day

Okay everyone. Take your seats. Guys? Please settle down. It's time for our vocabulary review.

Today's word of the day is polterwang. Can anyone break down the etymology of this word for me? That's right: polter, as in ghostly, and wang as in, you know, schlong.

So what is this polterwang, hmm? We all know the phrase "camel toe" of course, but are you familiar with this opposite phenomenon? The illusion of a penis where there in in fact, none?

This word was coined by the fabulous Fug Girls earlier this year and was used most recently to describe the effect this unfortunate jumpsuit had on Alicia Keys' nether region:



But there's a twist here with Alicia's outfit. One of the hallmarks of a Professional Critic is knowing when to stand back and let the experts talk. So:

"And, of course, there's the issue of the bulky bushel-and-a-peck it gives her. It's a cross between camel-toe and polterwang (camelwang? No -- poltertoe, I think)..."

Please take notes. This will be on the test.

Professional Critic, Flattened

I'm slowly recovering from an evil gastrointestinal malady. Not sure if it was food borne or a random vile germ, but really, what difference does it make when you're hugging the toilet bowl? Sorry to be gross.

I spent a few days at Lizh's while she freezes her ass off in Sconnie. That's Wisconsin to you non-Cheddarheads. She has cable, very exciting for Professional "Five Channels" Critic. I caught an episode of the current season of Nip/Tuck, a real treat since I'm always lagging a year behind in Netflix rentals. So, huh? Julia is a lesbian? And Portia de Rossi is her girlfriend? But she's still a hideously whiny unlikeable drip. Incredible.

On America's Next Top Model: after botching her go-sees Heather was sent home. I was sad to see her go but I have a feeling we haven't seen the last of Heather. She's touched a nerve with the public as her record number of "Cover Girl of the Week" wins and this
NY Times article attests. On the other hand, the nasty Bianca was given the boot last night and buh-bye.

As we know, I'm years behind the 8 ball so I just saw Sicko. My goodness, if you haven't seen this movie, you simply must. Michael Moore uses a lighter touch this time around. When wives discuss the death of their spouses, denied payment for kidney cancer treatment, an insurance company medical reviewer comes forward to say the more claims she denied the more she was financially rewarded, citizens of England, France and Canada laugh at the idea that you would have to pay for medical care or doctors in these same countries express shock that medical decisions are financially based, well, it speaks for itself.

Finally, another addition to Professional Critic's Top Christmas Picks. Don't worry if you've already bought my present, this truffle serving set can be the stocking stuffer. Isn't it amazing how back in the day it was a big deal to get an orange? Times sure have changed.

Giving Baby Pandas a Run for the Money

Okay, I know I'm supposed to be taking a break from posting but I just checked out a Dooce recommendation, Daily Coyote. This woman is raising an orphaned coyote pup in Wyoming with her cat and can I just say oh my God the cuteness is causing me tooth-gnashing physical pain.