Mr. Sneezy, the Dust Mite Poo

I've been scouring the web for information about my tiny but powerful foe, the dust mite. Actually, it is not the mite itself that causes trouble, but its poo. Just as the poo of fleas (referred to as "flea dirt," that black stuff left behind in bedding and couches) can cause problems for you and your furry friends, it is the poo of the revolting dust mite that has caused my current deafness and misery. So I am trying to figure out how to reduce the mite poo presence in my house, given that I live in an apartment with semi-icky rental apartment carpeting. Of course, Miss Kitty comes with her own unique set of allergens. My ENT gamely continues to inquire whether I still have the cat and if I might not consider barring her from the bedroom. But what's the point of sleeping at all if MK can't be snuggled in my arms?

I was sort of disappointed to discover that all sites agree upon one thing--vacuuming is completely useless for dust mite control. It only serves to swirl them around in your house and possibly cause a more serious allergic reaction. But few things satisfy as much as a freshly vacuumed carpet, with its orderly vacuum lines! How discouraging to know that this hasn't helped. I feel I've been given permission to never vacuum again. I've also been let off the hook for dust on hard surfaces, such as bookcases. Dust mites don't live there, only in soft things they can burrow into. I feel better about this since there is dust o'plenty on things that I really don't want to clean, like the blinds and the blades of the ceiling fan. I am relieved to know that my own sloth in these areas has not caused the problem.

My ENT and all allergy sites agree--start with the bed. I had already covered my mattress and pillows with tightly woven covers designed to keep out allergens like cat dander and dust mites. If you don't belive this is needed, you may want to know this grotesque factoid:

Ten percent of the weight of a two year old pillow can be composed of dead mites and their droppings.

Check out this site for additional disgusting facts such as, "About 80 percent of the material seen floating in a sunbeam is actually skin flakes," and horror movie worthy close-ups of mites.

I bought a duvet cover today which I had been dragging my feet on but since I have the duvet in my face and in many cases over my head for seven to nine hours a day it seemed like high time to shell out. So when it arrives, I will throw the duvet in the dryer on high heat to kill all the nasties currently taking up residence in my Primaloft supposedly non-allergenic duvet, then zip it up in this $80 dust mite diaper, then button it into the pretty but useless duvet cover. Then I am to wash all my bedding once a week using hot water and a hot dryer, since dust mites can live through everything else, and ideally, change my pillow cases every two days. Are you laughing like I did when the ENT made this suggestion? I'm going to work on the once a week thing and see how it goes.

Ouch

Stop it already!

Lies Rachael Ray Has Told Me

It's completely unoriginal to hate Rachael Ray. Do a quick Google search for "Rachael Ray"+"hate" and you'll see what I mean--the vitriol that spews forth! But I have to admit I find her completely irritating. I don't have cable which means I have seen her show from my sister's house, once. Once was enough--her constant "yum-o," "delish" and other frankly irritating cutesy-isms were reminiscient of a yappy dog whose owners once thought its yapping was cute and never trained it to stop but then it became quickly un-cute and totally annoying, making everyone around it want to commit acts of violence.

But! For Christmas I requested and received a grill pan from my sister from the Rachael Ray line. I was determined to make grilled meat with professional looking grill marks on it. It was a happy orange and reasonable price and the Le Creuset version was $90 which seemed like way too much for a grill pan.

Anyway, to break in said grill pan, I perused the RR website for recipes and found one that sounded good, Drunken Risotto wih Grilled Chicken. This was a 30 minute meal, right up my alley, but here my troubles began.

Rachel's philosophy is that we can cook yum-o hassle free meals from simple ingredients that one can buy at any grocery store.

LIE: My local grocery store, despite boasting an entire aisle and a half to wine, did not have Barolo, prompting me to make a call from the wine aisle to Jac who recommended a Chianti instead. Furthermore, I needed dried porcini mushrooms which the store was out of but had portabella. I figured p-o-r made them close enough.

This is the Bay area which is just about as foodie as it gets. What about the rest of the country? Can you buy fresh arugula in Wyoming in the dead of winter? Fresh rosemary? RR did not give the dried equivalent, so I busted out my Joy of Cooking to tell me--1/2 teaspoon crushed dried for every fresh tablespoon.

Rachael instructed me to first preheat my new grill pan on medium high heat with nothing in it.

LIE: According to websites I read trying to figure out how to clean my hopelessly blackened crusty grill pan that laughed as I approached with soap and sponge I learned one should NEVER heat up the pan with nothing in it as it can cause sticking.

LIE: Nor should one EVER heat enameled cast iron on high heat because it holds heat so well.

LIE: If I had followed her instructions and preheated the grill pan for the amount of time indicated, I would be posting this from a Red Cross shelter.

Rachael encouraged me to "eyeball" the first two liquid measurements, a hallmark of her devil may care approach to cooking. She does the same thing on her show, pouring slugs of EVOO into pans with a toss of her head as though measuring ingredients is for the fuddy duddys of yore.

LIE: The subsequent liquid measurements are not accompanied by (eyeball it). So I still have to take out, use and wash my measuring spoons and cups, so what difference does it make if I measure the first two as well? No time nor hassle was saved.

Rachael instructed me to start cooking the chicken, which takes 12-14 minutes before finishing the risotto instructions, which called for 22 more minutes of additional cooking.

LIE: Clearly, RR's steps are all out of whack. She has clearly never followed this recipe herself.

LIE: This is no 30 minute meal. As a matter of fact, this meal took an hour and a half. Even her fans point this out.

Rachael Ray was born on August 25th, making her a Virgo.

LIE: There is no way on God's green earth that this woman is a Virgo! She is totally flaky, loosey-goosey, untrustworthy and icky! She is an emoticon personified and I cannot accept that I share a birth sign with this woman.

In the end, it was a fantastic meal. I would make it again in a heartbeat, now that I actually know how to do it, no thanks to the misinformation provided by RR.

Would I consider trying another RR recipe? I don't know. It takes time to heal from this kind of betrayal and besides I still haven't managed to get all the scorch off my grill pan.

Meet Mei Lan

We interrupt this cranky blog to announce the birth of baby panda Mei Lan at the Atlanta Zoo. Look at these pictures--you will feel faint from the cuteness.

What's Next, Jenny Craig Canine?

The resources of the pharmaceutical industry have finally been put to good use. The FDA recently announced their approval of the first obesity drug for dogs. It's about time we hit hard at the legions of overfed and underexercised housepets and I applaud my friends at Pfizer (the folks that brought you 'wood on demand' and the people that due to endless litigation are keeping Miss Kitty's blood pressure medicine ultra expensive) for taking the first steps toward corralling this growing public health epidemic.

As the human companion of a slightly zaftig pet I find rotundity endearing and utterly adorable. My cat kicks "feline sleek" to the curb and embraces her inner raccoon. But, as a vet once told me, cats can handle extra weight better than dogs and people and then proceeded to inform me that I should feed her 1/8 cup of dry food per day. Have you ever even seen an 1/8 cup measure? Probably not, because in the circles we move in, we would just call that two skimpy tablespoons. Does that seem like enough food for any living creature bigger than a dwarf hamster? I didn't think so either. Also, I value my life and despite weighing about 9 pounds, after some vigorous scratch post activity her nails are lethal weapons and I am a vulnerable target when sleeping.

Side effects to Slentrol include vomiting, loose stools, and diarrhea. Though she has a host of other medical problems, my cat has never been a barfer and is chronically constipated, so these are two things I thankfully have little first hand experience of. But I can imagine, and have heard from friends that live with such animals, that there are few things less pleasant than dog diarrhea especially since due to its explosive nature tends to involve wall to wall carpeting, antique persian rugs, the backseats of cars and beds that unfortunately never had the mattress cover put back on after the last epsiode of the squirts.

Who knows what consumers will think? Perhaps the segment of the population who think it is advisable to remove back teeth to create sculpted cheekbones, smart to enter their daughters in scary Jon Benet style pageants and a-ok to have bags of salt water sewn into their chests will think Slentrol is a great idea.

I'll take the fat animal.

1/1/2007

I wish I had something deeply profound to write about on this first day of 2007. But, it's the usual collection of mundane observations. Right now I'm slightly preoccupied with/awed by my sinus cavities. My eyes hurt and I have moments of exhaustion so crushing it's all I can do to remain conscious. You know when you blow your nose, and it's like, a regular nose blowing event. But then, as you continue to blow, you unwittingly tap into some inner reservoir nestled deep inside your head and this outrageoos volume of snot issues forth. When you're done you feel so light and airy. Amazing what these holes in the head, usually so handy for helping you hold your noggin up, can do when they use their powers for evil. If only we could use these vessels as storage areas for emergency water, as a camel uses their hump, then we wouldn't have to worry whether our earthquake kit water had gone bad, because we could blow a bunch of water out of our sinuses into a drinking glass and thus stave off death for a few days.

Back to the New Year.

2006 sucked in many ways so I am not too busted up to say goodbye to it, but there is of course danger in saying such a thing--what if 2006 was really just testing my mettle to see if I could hang with the hard stuff to come in '07? Whoo! I am such a pro at driving myself crazy! I really have no idea what is going to happen in 2007, but I am very curious. Curiosity keeps me going when all else fails--even in crap times, I really just can't wait to see what happens next. I suppose if I had a more Eastern bent to me, I might be more inclined to stay in the moment, "be here now," and all other irritating types of sayings. Then I might also be able to get the hang of that yogic alternate nostril breathing and then maybe I wouldn't have so many sinus problems.

I am sad for the family of Gerald Ford, but a day of mourning without any government services excessive. He died at 93 after living a long full life. Besides, I am waiting for season 2 of The Wire and theres been no mail for two days already--enough's enough! Have you seen The Wire yet? It's so good.