Panda Gulag's Newest Member

As yet unnamed three day old baby panda in Chengdu born to mom Ji Ni. Isn't it hard to believe that it takes eleven months of gestation to produce a cub the size of a chicken leg? And that Ji Ni was "weak and tense" after the delivery? I'm no zookeeper, but I am willing to bet that Ji Ni, like all pandas that munch bamboo non-stop, regularly drops poop bombs much bigger than her baby cub. Perhaps her pooing also leaves her weak and tense, I cannot say. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm feeling weak and tense and need to lay down.

What's Really Important

Oscar dresses. Check out Perez Hilton, click on "Celebrity Trash" link to the right.

Gwyneth. Loved the dress, hated the hair. So flat, so boring. I was thinking maybe a soft curl, something Veronica Lake-ish with some glam barettes or pins.

Celine. You're as crazy as they come but that was a great dress in an even greater color. Now please eat a sandwich, you're way too thin.

If you want to see how to rock a dress in your curves, check out Kate Winslet. Didn't love the dress or the color but vavoom.

Same for Rachel Weisz. Sha-wing, girl looked smoking.

Naomi Watts. Great dress color, great hair, but the black belty thing was not doing it for me. Then I found out she's with child, and felt I could forgive the belt.

Even though she had the long flat boring hair, Reese looked mega hot. Could it be the sassy bangs? I don't know--divorce becomes her.

Cameron. Blech, hated it all.

Normally I love what Cate Blanchett wears but I wasn't feeling the silver sheath. Just eh.

Didn't get a good look at Katie Holmes' dress, but the waist up pic didn't look too promising. There is some thing very strange in her hair that looks like candy buttons.


And in other important news, next season of America's Next Top Model starts Wednesday.

A Challenge

Name me one obsessive-compulsive activity that is as satisfying as cleaning a scungy, dusty, crumby keyboard with individually wrapped alcohol swabs.

The Asylum for the Criminally Insane Panda

You may have noticed I'm on a bit of a panda kick lately. I don't know why, I just can't seem to stop. This picture today was just a killer, so I did a quick search for the home of this kookoo cute montage and discovered it was the Giant Panda Breeding Center in Chengdu, China. Right up my alley, so I found their web page.

Have you ever in your life seen a more depressing, less animal friendly looking place? Perhaps the gigantic cages in the foreground gives it away. Like most Americans, I don't like to see the harsh evidence of a captive animal. Give me tall fences seemingly made of leafy green bamboo! Concrete painted to look like wood! Anything but this!

Do any of you live near Chengdu, China? Can you spare an afternoon snapping pictures that the nice people at the Giant Panda Breeding Center can use to freshen up their ultra Chairman Mao website?

True Confessions/Did You Know?

In the spirit of truthfulness now gripping the nation, a la Gavin and Zsa Zsa's bizarro husband, I want to confess:

I am Dannielynn's father.

In unrelated but equally monumentous news, while making hot chocolate tonight I noticed that one serving of Trader Joe's organic powdered cocoa has 36% of recommended daily fiber. Granted, they consider one serving to be three tablespoons, which is about three times as much as you need for one cup of hot cocoa, but perhaps it's a given that you'll drink three cups because it's so delish and because you'll have an amazing poo in the morning.

Who Put the R in Vaginal?

I normally don't answer my home phone because it is almost always a telemarketer. If it is someone who really knows who I am, they'll call my cell. But when the phone rang and rang the other night, I picked it up. A mistake-- that slight pause that screams, "The person on the other end does not know you. Hang up now." But before I could, a perky voice announced she was not selling anything but was conducting market research.

Didn't matter about what--I was in. Flunky of the advertising companies? I like to think not. I am constantly amazed that there are so many products out there that hold no appeal whatsoever to me or any of the people I know. Glade Plugs Ins. Lunchables. Scented garbage bags. Disposable toilet brushes. I know part of the problem is that we're not great American consumers, tending toward environmentalism, conservation, and simple living, not to mention being limited by the storage space offered by urban apartment dwelling (that's none, for those who don't know)--essentially antithetical to rampant consumerism resulting in purchase of flats of antibacterial toilet paper. But surely it must also be that people like us are not participating in these kinds of studies in big enough numbers. I have participated in many phone surveys, paid focus groups and have even worked for a research company, asking random digit dialed people questions like, "Not counting potatoes, how many servings of vegetables did you eat this week?"

So of course I was a little excited. Perky started by asking if I owned a DVD player connected to a TV player. I told her I did, figuring this was an electronics survey. Then she said, "The following questions I will ask you are of a personal nature. Please be assured that your answers are confidential and will be compiled with others in your demographic group." Wow, I thought, this survey is about porn! I wasn't sure how much help I could, since I have seen very little porn. Maybe this company was developing porn for people just like me, and I could be instrumental in helping shape better porn for the greater good. I would certainly try my best!

Then Perky started asking about personal lubricant. As her questions went on, she explained that KY was rolling out a new kind of lubricant, the name I have forgotten by now, whose claim to fame is its supposed ability to stay slippery for a long time. From her questions, it seems that KY is trying to shake their medicinal image and get a little more racy. More power to 'em, but this seems like a lost cause in the Bay Area, where you can walk into one of three Good Vibes or any store in the Castro and buy any kind of lube you can dream of and some that you never have.

But the most distracting part of this phonecall was that this very nice sounding woman could not pronounce "vaginal." Since this word popped up at least every minute or so, it was really hard to keep my focus on her questions. Sometimes it was "varge-inal." Sometimes "ver-ginal." When prepping the staff to roll out this new survey, did the supervisor never coach them on how to pronounce vaginal? Was I the only person who agreed to answer these questions, so her inability to pronounce vaginal never came up before? Couldn't Perky have put me on hold and asked the person in the cube next to her, "Psst--this woman is actually doing the survey--how do you pronounce that v word?"

Later that evening I had a full blown Women's Studies fit that a grown female was unfamiliar with the pronunciation of her own genitalia. Can you even conceive of a person of any gender unable to pronounce penile? Let's speak frankly--how many women (and men) have you encountered that don't know how to pronounce clitoris? It's maddening! Go now, ambassadors of my outrage. Speak to your family and friends of all genders and ages and make sure they know that there is no R in vaginal.

Friday Night Thoughts

Friday is a good time for quiet reflection. I did watch three hours of The Sopranos, season 6 tonight, so I guess that doesn't technically qualify as quiet reflection. Some great stuff in there. I know it won't end well, but I'm rooting for Vito to have some happy moments with his fireman/biker/short order cook boyfriend in this super gay New Hampshire live free or die town. This wife of Christopher's appeared out of nowhere, a watered down and much less interesting version of Adrianna. Poor man can't get enough substances in his body to erase the memories of his murdered fiance.

Moving into real life, I really don't care that Gavin slept with his friend and campaign manager's wife. Haven't we all learned by now that it is depressingly human to be an ace at your job and a disaster at your personal life? Bill Clinton being one famous example, but who even needs to look that far? Does this not describe you and everyone you know at one point or another in your lives?

Where in hell did that Bay Area sailor disappear to? Since I am a violently seasick landlubber I can think of few places I'd like to be less than a sailboat anywhere, let alone off the Farallons. Do you know what is lurking around the Farallons? Check out The Devil's Teeth. Really a great read but terrifying, if you're kookoo like I am and sometimes feel uneasy in the bathtub.

In a big surprise, Texas became the first state to mandate the HPV vaccine for young girls. There are many reasons spurring the conservative Republican governor to make this decision, such as having employed a Merck lobbyist as a former chief of staff and having accepted campaign donations from the company as well. But, it was the right decision, even if the motivations are highly suspect and Merck will make a boatload of money off of this and other states following suit. The right decision for the wrong reasons is a good place to start.